150+ Funny Quotes by Famous People in the World

  • A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.                  – Groucho Marx

  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – Steven Wright

  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.              – Emo Philips

  • A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin

  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright

  • A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.                – Friedrich Nietzsche

  • A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. – Dennis Miller

  • A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. – W. C. Fields  

  • A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas. –  Claude Pepper

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

  • A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford

  • Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.            – Erica Jong

  • Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Mark Twain

  • Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. – Luis Bunuel

  • All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain

  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde

  • Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde

  • Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. – Yogi Berra

  • Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.                     – Margaret Mead

  • Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. – Woody Allen

  • Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.                    – Hedy Lamarr

  • As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. – Norman Wisdom

  • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

  • Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for. – Will Rogers

  • Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland

  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

  • Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. – Groucho Marx

  • Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. – Phyllis Diller

  • Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.      – Abraham Lincoln

  • By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.     – Richard Dawkins

  • By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. – Charles Wadsworth

  • By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost

  • Can I come in? No! I’m in a towel! I’m blind! – James Patterson

  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. – George Bernard Shaw

  • Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs. – Martha Scott

  • Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

  • Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.                 – Joey Adams

  • Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. – Anton Chekhov

  • Electricity is really just organized lightning. – George Carlin

  • Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. – Will Rogers

  • Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. – Stephen Colbert

  • Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy

  • Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain

  • God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him. – Tara Reid

  • Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.                  – George Burns

  • Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? – George Carlin

  • He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. – Victor Borge

  • I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb

  • I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life. – Karan Patel

  • I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.     – Oscar Wilde

  • I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White

  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me, I knew he wasn’t a professional; the knife had butter on it. –  Rodney Dangerfield

  • I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Steven Wright

  • I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.                    – Mark Twain

  • I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Mitch Hedberg

  • I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.                           – Rodney Dangerfield

  • I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.                              – Charles M. Schulz

  • I have an unfortunate personality. – Orson Welles

  • I have had great success being a total idiot. – Jerry Lewis

  • I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield

  • I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

  • I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. – Drake

  • If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld

  • If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. – Steven Wright

  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln

  • If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? – George Carlin

  • If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. – Abraham Lincoln

  • If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. – Robin Williams

  • If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.                  – George Bernard Shaw

  • If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. – Theodore Roosevelt

  • If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.                       – Groucho Marx

  • If you meet my expectations, please ask them to come home.  – John Alejandro King

  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.               – Earl Wilson

  • If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.           – Dalai Lama

  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin

  • If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. –Henny Youngman

  • I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright

  • Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. – Sam Ewing

  • It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.            – Thomas Sowell

  • It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours. – Harry S. Truman

  • Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. – Anthony Burgess

  • Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. – Cullen Hightower

  • Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. – Jules Renard

  • Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

  • Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. – John Wayne

  • Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. – Lou Erickso

  • Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.               – Carl Sandburg

  • Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.                        – Isaac Asimov

  • Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. – Stephen Hawking

  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. – Alan Dundes

  • May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house? – George Carlin

  • Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein

  • Mind is never a problem. Mindset is. – Narendra Modi

  • Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.  – Jackie Mason

  • Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. – Bill Vaughan

  • My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. – Walter Matthau

  • My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. – Milton Berle

  • My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield

  • Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. – Mark Twain

  • Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck

  • Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.                  – Mark Twain

  • Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. – Laurell K. Hamilton

  • No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Abraham Lincoln

  • One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. – William Feather

  • Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.  – Albert Einstein

  • Opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor. – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

  • People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. – Zig Ziglar

  • People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne

  • People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. – Logan Pearsall Smith

  • Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. – Mark Twain

  • Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.         – Robin Williams

  • Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.    – E. B. White

  • Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Dale Carnegie

  • Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.                   – Brooke Shields

  • Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing. – Elle King

  • Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Matt Groening

  • Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. – Criss Jami

  • The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. – Edward Abbey

  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – Steven Wright

  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.       – Robert Bloch

  • The man, who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him. – Oscar Wilde

  • The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.         – Paul Fix

  • The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain   

  •  The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin               

  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.          – Lucille Ball

  • The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

  • There are only three things women needs in life: food, water, and compliments.            – Chris Rock

  • There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry Kissinger

  • There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. – Oscar Levant

  • They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.                      – Clint Eastwood

  • This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. – Oscar Wilde

  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.            – Ashleigh Brilliant

  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.                  – Steven Wright

  • To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.      – Reba McEntire

  • Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like. – Will Smith

  • Turn up the lights. I don’t want to go home in the dark. – O. Henry

  • We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. – W. H. Auden

  • Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin

  • What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. – Jerome K. Jerome

  • When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.                – Prince Philip

  • When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.          – Sacha Guitry

  • When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

  • When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

  • When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. – Norm Crosby

  • Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. – Gertrude Stein

  • Why do they call it “rush hour” when nothing moves? – Robin Williams

  • Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? – John Barrymore

  • Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.                              – Benjamin Franklin

  • Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.                    – James Thurber

  • Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. – Mark Twain

  • You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright

  • You got to be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.              – Johnny Depp

  • You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. – Winston Churchill

  • You’re only as good as your last haircut. – Fran Lebowitz


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