200+ Clever One Liner Quotes That Will Make You Think

  • “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

  • A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  • A friend is a present you give yourself.

  • A friend is like a book: you don’t need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.

  • A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

  • A healthy attitude is contagious but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

  • A lie has speed, but truth has endurance.

  • A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

  • A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  • A thousand words will not leave as deep an impression as one deed.

  • A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!

  • A true friend is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else.

  • A wise man once said… Nothing, he only listened.

  • Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

  • Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.

  • Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

  • All sufferings come from false pride.

  • Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won’t expect it back.

  • Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.

  • Always identify who to blame in an emergency.

  • Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

  • Alzheimer’s can’t be that bad. You get to meet new people every day.

  • An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

  • And in her smile I see something more beautiful than the stars.

  • Any place is a palace if your heart decides so.

  • Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

  • Arguing with a fool proves there are two.

  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

  • Be generous to those who need your help.

  • Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

  • Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

  • Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting.

  • Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

  • Books are just TV for smart people.

  • Books are not men and yet they stay alive.

  • By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

  • By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.

  • Can February March? No, but April May!

  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  • Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him Sudden Lee.

  • Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

  • Comedy is tragedy plus time.

  • Currently the flower business is blooming.

  • Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.

  • Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.

  • Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.

  • Don’t try to have the last word. You might get it.

  • Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.

  • Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

  • Dream carefully, because dreams come true.

  • Dreams don’t work unless do you.

  • Even elephants do slip.

  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

  • Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

  • Everything always ends well. If not – it’s probably not the end.

  • Failure defeats losers, failure inspires winners.

  • Failure is always temporary, only giving up makes it permanent.

  • Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

  • Fears are nothing more than a state of mind.

  • Following the herd is a sure way to mediocrity.

  • For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  • Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.

  • God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  • Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

  • Happiness is not a goal; it’s a by-product.

  • Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

  • How do construction workers party? they raise the roof.

  • How do you prevent a summer cold? Catch it in the winter!

  • How it is one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

  • I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

  • I applied for a job today and they ask for three references. I wrote, “a dictionary, a Thesaurus, and a map.

  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  • I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

  • I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is… Scaring men is easy.

  • I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

  • I may not be the brightest nail in the bucket, but at least I have a point.

  • I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner; all it was doing was gathering dust.

  • I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

  • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

  • I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

  • I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

  • I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

  • I’ve never learned from a man who agreed with me.

  • If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.

  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

  • If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.

  • If nothing was learned, nothing was taught.

  • If time is money are ATM’s time machines?

  • If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

  • If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.

  • If you don’t have a competitive advantage, don’t compete.

  • If you had friends like mine, you’d be the luckiest guy in the world!

  • If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

  • If your ship does not come in, swim out to meet it!

  • I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

  • Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.

  • Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire.

  • It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.

  • It is a wise child that knows his own father.

  • It takes years to build up trust, and just seconds to destroy it.

  • It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

  • It’s okay if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.

  • It’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

  • It’s easier to remember your age if you don’t change it every year.

  • It’s just a bad day, not a bad life.

  • It’s not what man can create it’s what man can become.

  • I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I’ll start calling them traditions.

  • Jealousy and envy are deadly to the mind.

  • Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

  • Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

  • Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows.

  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  • Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way; wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

  • Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

  • Learn from yesterday, live for today and have hope for tomorrow.

  • Let me tell you the difference between a good joke and a bad joke… timing.

  • Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

  • Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.

  • Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  • Making a bad decision is better than making no decision at all.

  • Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.

  • Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

  • Men may move mountains, but ideas move men.

  • Men’s natures are alike. It is their habits that carry them far apart.

  • Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  • Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

  • Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves.

  • My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

  • My job is secure. No one else wants it.

  • My parents worked hard to give us everything money could not buy.

  • My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.

  • Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.

  • No great discovery was ever made without a bold guess.

  • No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.

  • Not he who has much is rich, but he who gives much.

  • Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

  • Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

  • Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

  • One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

  • One who looks for a friend without faults will have none.

  • Patience: what you have when there are too many witnesses

  • People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

  • Respect yourself and others will respect you.

  • Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

  • Seek knowledge from cradle to the grave.

  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

  • Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

  • Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

  • Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

  • Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

  • Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

  • Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

  • Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

  • Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

  • The best time to open a gift is the present.

  • The best way out is always through.

  • The deeper the pit you’re falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.

  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.

  • The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.

  • The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.

  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

  • The number one cause of death is too many birthdays.

  • The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.

  • The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

  • The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.

  • The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.

  • The reward for a job well done is more work.

  • The road to success is always under construction.

  • The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun.

  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

  • The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves.

  • There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.

  • There will always be someone better than you, there will always be someone worse… but there is no one exactly like you!

  • Time is a great healer, but a poor beautician.

  • Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.

  • Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  • To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

  • Trust no one the same friends and family you’ll die for will get you killed.

  • Ultimately, we know deeply that the other side of fear is freedom.

  • War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

  • Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

  • We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.

  • We find comfort among those who agree with us, and growth among those who don’t.

  • We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

  • We must be the change we wish to see.

  • We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.

  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  • What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!

  • What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

  • What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!

  • When do monkeys fall from the sky? During Ape-ril showers!

  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

  • Whenever an individual or a business decides that success has been attained, progress stops.

  • Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

  • Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!

  • Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.

  • Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I’ve been doing nothing for years.

  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  • Why kill time when you can make it work for you?

  • Why was the tree excited about the future? It was ready to turn over a new leaf!

  • With all this technology above and under, humanity still hunts down one another.

  • You’re not fat; you’re just… easier to see.

  • You’re not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.

Hope you enjoyed reading this collection of “200 + Clever One Liner Quotes That Will Make You Think”.  Please share this post with your friends and others to read these one liner quotes.

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