- A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. – Groucho Marx
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – Steven Wright
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Emo Philips
- A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin
- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
- A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. – Friedrich Nietzsche
- A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. – Dennis Miller
- A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. – W. C. Fields
- A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas. – Claude Pepper
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner
- A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford
- Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. – Erica Jong
- Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Mark Twain
- Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. – Luis Bunuel
- All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde
- Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde
- Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. – Yogi Berra
- Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead
- Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. – Woody Allen
- Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
- As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. – Norman Wisdom
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain
- Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for. – Will Rogers
- Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland
- Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. – Groucho Marx
- Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. – Phyllis Diller
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln
- By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. – Richard Dawkins
- By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. – Charles Wadsworth
- By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost
- Can I come in? No! I’m in a towel! I’m blind! – James Patterson
- Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. – George Bernard Shaw
- Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs. – Martha Scott
- Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
- Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams
- Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. – Anton Chekhov
- Electricity is really just organized lightning. – George Carlin
- Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. – Will Rogers
- Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. – Stephen Colbert
- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy
- Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain
- God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him. – Tara Reid
- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? – George Carlin
- He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. – Victor Borge
- I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb
- I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life. – Karan Patel
- I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde
- I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White
- I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me, I knew he wasn’t a professional; the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield
- I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde
- I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Steven Wright
- I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. – Mark Twain
- I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Mitch Hedberg
- I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
- I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. – Charles M. Schulz
- I have an unfortunate personality. – Orson Welles
- I have had great success being a total idiot. – Jerry Lewis
- I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield
- I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney
- I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. – Drake
- If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld
- If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. – Steven Wright
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? – George Carlin
- If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. – Abraham Lincoln
- If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. – Robin Williams
- If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. – George Bernard Shaw
- If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. – Theodore Roosevelt
- If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. – Groucho Marx
- If you meet my expectations, please ask them to come home. – John Alejandro King
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. – Earl Wilson
- If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin
- If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. –Henny Youngman
- I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
- Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. – Sam Ewing
- It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell
- It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours. – Harry S. Truman
- Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. – Anthony Burgess
- Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. – Cullen Hightower
- Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. – Jules Renard
- Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn
- Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. – John Wayne
- Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. – Lou Erickso
- Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. – Carl Sandburg
- Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. – Isaac Asimov
- Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. – Stephen Hawking
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. – Alan Dundes
- May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house? – George Carlin
- Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein
- Mind is never a problem. Mindset is. – Narendra Modi
- Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. – Jackie Mason
- Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. – Bill Vaughan
- My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. – Walter Matthau
- My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. – Milton Berle
- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield
- Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. – Mark Twain
- Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
- Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well. – Mark Twain
- Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. – Laurell K. Hamilton
- No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Abraham Lincoln
- One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. – William Feather
- Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. – Albert Einstein
- Opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor. – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
- People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. – Zig Ziglar
- People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne
- People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. – Logan Pearsall Smith
- Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. – Mark Twain
- Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures. – Robin Williams
- Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. – E. B. White
- Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Dale Carnegie
- Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. – Brooke Shields
- Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing. – Elle King
- Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Matt Groening
- Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. – Criss Jami
- The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. – Edward Abbey
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – Steven Wright
- The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch
- The man, who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him. – Oscar Wilde
- The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. – Paul Fix
- The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain
- The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin
- The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball
- The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin
- There are only three things women needs in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock
- There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry Kissinger
- There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. – Oscar Levant
- They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood
- This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. – Oscar Wilde
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. – Ashleigh Brilliant
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. – Steven Wright
- To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. – Reba McEntire
- Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like. – Will Smith
- Turn up the lights. I don’t want to go home in the dark. – O. Henry
- We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. – W. H. Auden
- Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin
- What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. – Jerome K. Jerome
- When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip
- When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry
- When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
- When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
- When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. – Norm Crosby
- Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. – Gertrude Stein
- Why do they call it “rush hour” when nothing moves? – Robin Williams
- Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? – John Barrymore
- Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin
- Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. – James Thurber
- Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. – Mark Twain
- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright
- You got to be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever. – Johnny Depp
- You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. – Winston Churchill
- You’re only as good as your last haircut. – Fran Lebowitz
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