Steven Wright Quotes

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

What's another word for thesaurus?