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Anonymous
American
-
Comedian
,
Actor
&
Writer
December 06, 1955
American
-
Comedian
,
Actor
&
Writer
December 06, 1955
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
Steven Wright
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Steven Wright
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Steven Wright
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright