Woody Allen Quotes

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Those modern analysts they charge so much! In my day for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.

Showing up is eighty percent of life.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life

If you're not failing you're not trying anything.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.