Woody Allen Quotes

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes.

Those modern analysts they charge so much! In my day for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying.

The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever.

If you're not failing you're not trying anything.

Showing up is eighty percent of life.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.