Humor Quotes

Take some advice from an old farmer. You’re in business now. Take the money. You’d be amazed at how many don’t want to pay.

Why do I spend every moment with you thinking about why I did not go in the opposite direction when I had the chance?

It's hot out there." I prowl toward her, pulling off my shirt. I maybe flex my abs a little- anything for my girl.

They say curiosity killed the cat but I am unconcerned. I am smarter, though slightly less evil, than any cat.

The Old Testament is actually pretty raunchy. You might enjoy it.

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are...

We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him."Oh no... why?"I'm not sure that's a good idea."Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line."Are you ashamed of me?""No!" It's my turn to sound exasperated. "Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship'. You're not wearing running shoes.

Henry held up his taco- formerly Vlad's- and grinned. " Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius."pg248 Henry to Vlad & Joss

Don't call a woman a bitch. Call her an ass-hole. It still gets your point across and it's not sexist.

When your heart starts to feel full again. I love FREE refills, and if a restaurant tries to double charge me, I refuse to write a love poem on their Yelp page.-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz

Sometimes people are often confused between attitude and style. Nevermind, I'm Awesome.

Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer?A: Explaining what that is.

Have you ever noticed that idiots have a lot of friends? It's just an observation.

It's difficult to see the glass ceiling because it's made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it properly.

Come on, there's no one there. You want coffee?" Tess asked."Yeah, sure, why not? I'm only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don't imagine why caffeine wouldn't help this situation.

I tried not to laugh. I thought about how my Southern Baptist friends would respond to the suggestion that their entire denomination was making people gay.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

Do you smoke, Herr Cabal?""Only to be antisocial," replied Cabal, making no move.

The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it.

I obscenity in the milk of my shame.

My old man taught me to never trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn't die.

Watch the book trailer to be released 10/4/16On You Tube / TheFabulousBookwormzillas

We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It's all very dull.

Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

There are two Venices I know about and one of them is a hotel in Vegas. The other is an L.A. beach where pretty girls walk their dogs while wearing as little as possible and mutant slabs of tanned, posthuman beef sip iced steroid lattes and pump iron until their pecs are the size of Volkswagens.

Are you insinuatin' that my daughter is a liar?""Oh, no, not at all. I'm saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference.

He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically.“Green grass breaks through snow.tArtemis pleads for my help.tHe grinned at us, waiting for applause.t"That last line was four syllables.” Artemis said.tApollo frowned. “Was it?”t“No, no, that’s six syllable, hhhm.” He started muttering to himself. That’s five syllables!” He bowed, looking very pleased with himself.

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

As rain began to fall, Aldric worried the old machines would not be able to survive the weather. "Hand me that oil can!" he shouted to Siomon.Magic machines need oil?" asked Simon.Of course they need oil. They're not perfect.

Live the message, don't just read about it and preach.

Who? Mr. Dalton has his hand firmly on Grace's elbow, as though she can't manoeuvre herself through the blockade of tables and chairs.She could fly right through you, thinks Jack.

Courage is just dreams with shoes on.

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch.

And then everything was in the hands of gravity, which has never had much love for the terminally stupid.

You have come to earth to entertain and to be entertained.

So much better for you to long for what you can never have, than to get it and have to face the reality of it. I assure you, when you realize the reality of this situation, there wont be a hole deep enough for you to climb into to hide the mortification you're going to feel. - Eric to Camile in Pawn of Innocence.

Though people sort of need your permission to talk to you, they do not really need one to talk about you.

The TV shouted an old black-and-white film he didn't recognize, wheelchairs facing it like church pews.

We seldom learn much from someone with whom we agree.

What do you think we should do about Sampson?" I asked."I would have to say...stop him," Sam said."How?" I asked her."Someone who is as powerful and as smart and crazy as he is should do it.""Okay, but who?""Well...you should.""So you think I'm crazy?" I asked her.

[Janco] paused. His eyes held a distant gleam as if seeing into his past. 'My first practice was a shock. I was a cocky smart aleck--'[Opal] 'Was?'[J] 'Be quiet. I'm telling a story here.

The experience of yearning is a composite of Nature’s purest impulse in you (the need for radical movement; think of all the analogies in all the religions and philosophies concerning the truth and beauty of light; if you take it literally, that means to become truth, beauty, light, get moving at 299,792,458 kilometres per second) combined with your unique qualities and talents of past/present/future (experiences, potentials, attractions and distractions, imagination, etc.). Simply put: need for radical movement in a definite direction.

Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.

Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?"I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was seated and I was standing."First of all, no one is the boss of me but me. Secondly, if you ever reference my 'chain' again, I will kick your ass." I jabbed him hard in the chest with my finger. Possibly breaking it. "And thirdly, don't call me Shorty."Kaleb sat silently for a second, his eyes wide as he looked at Michael. "Where did you get her? Can you get me one?"I blew out a loud, frustrated sigh and dropped down beside Michael, who didn't even try to hide his smile. "You should probably apologize to Emerson.""I am sorry." Kaleb grinned at me. "Sorry I didn't meet you first.

Even so have I given the womb of the earth to those that be sown in it in their times.

The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, 'What? You too? I thought I was the only one!

She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It’s kind of hard to tell, because to be honest, I wasn’t listening.

And people think she killed him?" said Miss Tick. She sighed. "They probably think she cooked him in the oven, or somet

What were you chanting when you gave me your blood?”“More of my vampire magic. I cast a healing spell to aid the powers of my blood.”She sniffled, her nose stuffy. “It was better than Vicodin.”“Vicodin?”“A painkiller from my world.”“A killer of pain. Did you love him?” The words were growled.A burst of unexpected humor gave her strength. “No. In fact, he was hard to shake. He, uh, stalked me, that kind of thing. I had to pretend he didn’texist.”Nicolai kissed her temple and relaxed against her.

No one's an angel - especially if he's a man

I’m now ‘Doctor’ to the patients and I have to cover my ignorance by waving my arms and looking grave.

You’re one tough egg to crack. You know that? You’re like a Kinder egg wrapped inside a mystery wrapped inside an enigma.

Have you been walking in the woods in the last few days?" Matt asked.Lola cleared her throat anxiously. What had she managed to do now, catch jungle fever? "We went hiking in the Greenhills on Wednesday. What's wrong?" Her voice sounded squeaky, so she closed her eyes and took a steadying breath."I don't suppose you've heard of poison ivy," Matt asked. He traced the curve of her knee, pushing the hem of her skirt up her thigh. "Small plant, three leaves, glossy green. Causes a rash of small bumps about a day after contact. Sound familiar?

Jason hated being an old man.

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

Want me to flex my magic for you, baby?

We just move on, don’t we, with traitors still amongst us? But there was one thought that wouldn’t go away. If I loved him, I would forgive him.