Stephen Colbert Quotes

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.