Stephen Colbert Quotes

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.