Funny Quotes - Page 6

Holly's forgiven you?" "Almost mostly. But she still gives me slack about it when she's sick. I take it as a husbandly badge," he said, puffing out his chest. "Sick? You told me she was fully immortal." "Yeah, but she still throws up some, because, well, the thing of it is... Ah, fuck, Rydstrom, I knocked her up." "You're going to be a father?" Gods help the world. I'm going to be an uncle? "I got Holly, like, on the first shot. Nix is calling me Bull's-eye and the Womb Raider.

I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag," I warned him. "Do not fuck with me.

How long have you been standing there?""Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.""He deserved it.

Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else.

Nona needs a very dry martini.

Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!

I rolled my eyes. "Just go get your tattoo before I change me mind, you dirty fuck."Alec waggled his eyebrows. "I'd give you a dirty fuck, kitten.

Don't see me as a girl. See me as a buddy of yours or something."tHe cast his eyes downward and didn't look back up to my face. I looked down and groaned. Such a guy. "My buddies don't have boobs, as far as I know."t"Because you felt them up to be sure?" I chuckled, against my better judgement. tOnce again, his mouth dropped open.

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.

How'd you get to be so good at this?""I had a good teacher.""Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass.""I mean you, dummy.""Oh.

If you fall, I'll be the there

To evade arrogance, remind yourself (from time to time) that your talent or success could have been better. To be thankful, remind yourself (every now and then) that your illness or failure could have been worse.

..when the first rubber ball smacked her in the head and made her brains rattle in her skull, she knew that something about this dodgeball game was different

I don’t know who you think you are” — my mother’s voice was low and dangerous — “but if you don’t get out of my way right this instant, it won’t matter.”Adam was the Alpha werewolf in charge of the local pack. He was tough. He could be mean when he had to — and he wouldn’t stand a chance against my mom.

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Your wit never ceases to underwhelm me.

Hi, name’s Ran.” The werewolf smiled, hand extended.Silence.Ran mimicked the knight’s deep voice, while pretending to shake an invisible hand. “Hi, I’m the Amyntor.”More silence.“Oh, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” the werewolf said in his own voice. “No, the pleasure’s all mine,” he said in Atlas’s voice.After yet more silence, Ran coughed into his fist before turning to look down the line at Aaron. “I see where you get your sense of humor from.

Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and tell her to shut the hell up.She sounded as though she was having sex.Good sex.

Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

Here,” I said, shoving the board into his hands. He started laughing.“WHAT are you laughing at?!” I demanded irritably.“Well, it’s just that… that’s going to hurt a bit, my dear. Go on, bend over. I’ll demonstrate.

Please tell me this is easier to take off than it was to put on.”Calla raised a brow. “You do not think Master Kell knows how?

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

I’m twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I’m the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all.

Nothing says awkward like coming in your pants while dry humping.

While death is sadly inevitable, our grief will soon pass like a swallowed penny through one’s bowels.Painful change just takes time.

Shouldn’t you be at your posts?” Jayden stepped up.Logan nodded.“Just talking about…girl stuff,” Tristan said.“Mascara,” Blake said.“What?” Tristan said.“Leaving.” Logan shoved the boys.Jayden leaned in. “There’s something the others wish to remain secret. But I think having the knowledge would be beneficial. You’re—”“Bait.” I didn’t bother to hide my grin.“Precisely, but don’t be alarmed because—” He jerked back. “You know?”“I do.”Jayden stared blankly, then patted my head. “Excellent.

Nevermind nomenclatures, boy! What a serendipitous situation this is!

An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant.

How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter," said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.

He started to wonder if maybe they had been raptured while he was in school. He always worried the Lord would show up when he wasn't around. Or when he was on the toilet, taking care of a number two.

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

Goodfellow snickered."Wouldn't be any fun if we didn't run into some sort of catastrophe." Pulling his dagger ,he waved me on."After you,your highness.Puck to Ash

A dancer on break approached him. She smiled. Each tooth was angled in a different direction, as if her mouth were the masterwork of a mad orthodontist. "Hi," she said. "Hi." "You're really cute." "I don't have any money."She spun and walked away. Ah, romance.

Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.

Honestly, as much as I love my brother, I’m not sure how I feel about him hanging out in your bedroom.” He reached out with a muscular arm and used his fingers to brush a few strands of hair off my cheek, tucking them behind my ear. I shivered, and he smiled. “I feel like I need to mark my territory.” “Shut up.” “Oh, I love it when you get all bossy-pants. It’s sexy.

I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck

F*ck you guys, I'm goin' home

All I could determine was that it must have been a nice thing to see if it was a house you were thinking about moving into. But not so nice if it was the house you were moving out from. I could practically hear Mr Collins, who had taught my fifth-grade English class and was still the most intimidating teacher I'd ever had, yelling at me. "Amy Curry," I could still hear him intoning, "never end a sentence with a preposition!" Irked that after six hears he was still mentally correcting me, I told the Mr. Collins in my head to off fuck.

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.

Can I buy you an ice cream beforeI take you home? I feel like it’s the least I can do after scaring your shirt off.

Go to sleep, dweller-baby. I’ll kill Elowin as soon as we find her.” He didn’t sound like he was kidding. Each word was low and laced with truth.“Next time, just say like … sleep well, or something normal,” I said. “Not go to sleep, I’ll be murdering someone in no time. It doesn’t sound as comforting as you think it does.

Or maybe I, like, cuddle raped him or something.

Calm your tits, pussycat.

Underwater, bubbles erupted before my eyes as a swift hand snatched my arm and pulled me to the surface. I gasped for air, coughing and gagging at the amount of water I sucked into my lungs by pure shock. What was up with me and breathing in water? I needed to grow some gills or something.

Greed is a contagious mental illness without which civilization as we know it would not have been possible.

All humans are rogues. Cured only by death.

It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

I also don't trust Caribou anymore. They're out there, on the tundra, waiting... Something's going down. I'm right about this.

Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me.

She scrambled to her feet, uncaring that a stray knee and elbow had Erik wincing. “How can you be groaning about a simple knee to the groin when you’ve just been battered by flying furniture, candelabras and hit on the head by a pot plant that must weigh a ton or more?”“I’ll have you know there is nothing simple about my groin…” He shot her his predatory grin, the one he often reserved for her breasts. Run little girl, run far and run fast… take those tempting curves, enticing kissable lips and award winning breasts with you.

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

I may not hate all of the people all of the time, but I hate all of them some of the time, and I hate some of them all of the time.

You are hard at work madam ," said the man near her.Yes," Answered Madam Defarge ; " I have a good deal to do."What do you make, Madam ?"Many things."For instance ---"For instance," returned Madam Defarge , composedly ,Shrouds."The man moved a little further away, as soon as he could, feeling it mightily close and oppressive .

People keep asking "Jacob or Edward?" when the really important question is "Diamond Dave or Sammy?