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Humor Quotes - Page 15

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If Makar Denisych was just a clerk or a junior manager, then no one would have dared talk to him in such a condescending, casual tone, but he is a 'writer', and a talentless mediocrity! returned a bad story to Makar recently is know to the whole district and has provoked mockery, long conversations and indignation, while Makar Denisych is already being referred to as old Makarka. tIf someone does not write the way required, they never try to explain what is wrong, but just say:t'That bastard has gone and written another load of rubbish!
Anton Chekhov
[Truman] didn’t want to fight the guy, whatever he was—alien, vampyr or douchebag.
J. Richard Singleton
Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?""Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-""SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!""Sure it is. You just don't see the humor.""Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall.
Cassandra Clare
Contemplation is purer still, yet more sophisticated. This comes from a strongly developed base of concentration—basically, constancy—through any temptation, including altered states of consciousness, that leads one to meditation (effortless engagement), from which is born an intuitive connection to that which is being focused upon (often, the nature of being in the moment, which is the default “focus”). Some people can attain this state accidentally through some combination of surprising events, which is sometimes called revelation. Fewer still can cause this to happen intentionally, mainly because you have to surprise yourself to have it occur. In any case, it requires a real sense of the value of paradox. One leaves a single position behind (such as “I like this” or “I don’t like this”) and expands in comprehension to simultaneously experience its opposite as well. From there, one rises above the two through a creative burst of intuition, and looks down on them both. What you might call transcendence, although I prefer mildly amused.
Darrell Calkins
There are seven occult kingdoms in the universe, which are the kingdoms of Satan and the fallen angels. There are various planes, zones, realms and centers as well as deities, gods and lords. The Five Cosmic Seals (occult levels) are the universal summary of the 400,000 categories of occult initiations, powers and demons (Astrometaphysical Operations). There are male and female, neuter and mermaid spirits (demons or Cosmic Forces).
Compton Gage
Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.
Lady Gaga
What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?
P.G. Wodehouse
Dill was in hearty agreement with this plan of action. Dill was becoming something of a trail anyways, following Jem about... He only grew closer to Jem. (Lee 55)
Harper Lee
If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.
Jesse Andrews
Acardi! We should have killed him on the spot and you wouldn't let me! You didn't even listen.""Fine," I said, glaring at him. "Next time you want to commit murder, give me a call. You dagger them, I'll chop them into little tiny pieces and toss them into the East River."For the first time, I noticed the shadows beneath his eyes, the gauntness on his face. He lowered his voice, rubbing his temples as if he had a migraine. "This isn't the time for sarcasm, Liana.""No, apparently it's murder time.
M. Kane
What happens next?" she whispered.Connor turned to her and smiled faintly. Always a question, that was Rebecca.There's more?" he said in mock wondermentRebecca dimpled.You know very well there is more."Tell me all about it," he encouraged.In Papa's book—"Tell me all about it without mentioning your papa.
Julie Anne Long
Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase."I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk."They're for you.""You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?
Holly Black
As your abilities begin to grow, your angelic side will start to manifest itself in more noticeable ways.""My angelic side. Great. Like I don't have enough to deal with.""It's not so bad," Mom says. "You'll learn to control it.""I'll learn to control my hair?
Cynthia Hand
Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.
P.G. Wodehouse
Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.
Pawan Mishra
Smartass Disciple: Why we shouldn’t judge others? Master of Stupidity: Don’t! Unless you are paid for it.
Toba Beta
My love, wherever you are - whatever you are - don't lose faith. I know it's gonna happen someday to you.
Morrissey
I handed him a beaker and toyed with the pleats of my skirt. The folds kept rippling against my knees in a distracting way. It was one of Naomi's additions to my wardrobe. I quickly decided that I hated it.
Andrea Cremer
Why don’t we do the whole friends with benefits thing?” he asks seriously.“Because I don’t think I’d enjoy having the benefits you give me removed” I answer back not missing a beat.“Just friends it is then” he says not perturbed and starts eating his lunch.
R.S. Burnett
Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.
Augusten Burroughs
Fall off your own roof.
Veronica Rossi
Jace shook his blond head in exasperation. "You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn't you? You couldn't just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?
Cassandra Clare
Why is it so sexy when hot guys stare each other down like that? Why do I feel like licking the air? Am I ovulating?
Nicole Christie
A beautiful face like yours should be smiling. Why don't you smile?""I do smile. When something beautiful happens in a book, I can't help but smile.
Polkadot
The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
Bette Midler
I mean that it's all right to go to bed with an asshole but don't ever have a baby with one.
David Gilmour
You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.
Nikos Kazantzakis
Pray calm yourselves. I have eleven children, and I am twenty-six times a grandma, and I have seen them all through their silly seasons, and when it come on them they will run the Devil bowlegged keeping up with their mischief. I think she'll wake when she tires of it. A child's spirit is like a child, you can never catch it by running after it; you must stand still, and, for love, it will soon itself come back.
Arthur Miller
These days, “getting lucky” means drinking an entire cup of COFFEE while it’s still HOT!
Tanya Masse
Sure,” she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. “What could go wrong?”Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.Besides everything, I mean,” she said.
Rachel Caine
The outer garments of to-day will become the under-clothes of some destined to-morrow, and centuries hence a man found walking on the public highways dressed as you are will be arrested by the police for shocking the sense of propriety of the community, and so on. It will go on and on until you will find human beings everywhere decked out in layer after layer of clothes until he or she has lost all semblance to that beautiful thing that an all-wise Providence has designed us to be.
John Kendrick Bangs
Are bacon and chocolate the foundation of a good meal? No, everybody knowsthat is a deep fryer and/or gravy. However, I have long held the notion that you can't name a food that I can't improve by adding either bacon or chocolate.
Aaron Blaylock
Typical Xochi, leaving out important, death-related details.
J.T. Bock
I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But I had practiced alone in my room lots of times, trying out different cadences and into nations: 'Fuck, fuck, fuck you, fucknut. Shit, shitstain, fucker! Go fuck a duck, you asswipe!' My favorite was, 'What a fucking cocksucker.' The plan was to say this casually to one of my new friends while one of our teachers walked by. No one in kindergarten ever really got my sense of humor, so I was hell-bent on making my mark in the first grade.
Chelsea Handler
The powers of a man's mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.
James Mackintosh
Yes, but does Maine have anything to SAY to Florida?
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Yogi Berra
They ought to make it a binding clause that if you find God you get to keep Him.
Philip K Dick
ligion is the opiate of the masses." "I did masses of opiates religiously.
Carrie Fisher
Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!
Terry Pratchett
If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.
Oscar Wilde
Anyone who claims good or evil isn't one or either, they're just a liar... the worst kind of liar... the liar that doesn't even know they're lying. We're human. We're good during the day and evil at night, half the time those roles are reversed, that's what it's all about.
Hubert Martin
Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!
Maggie Stiefvater
Jules lips quivered, and I feared she was about to cry. Then she asked, “He bit off more than he could chew, didn’t he?” She made a motion as if she was biting into a tough piece of steak.Gabriella’s lips sealed shut as she tried to hide her grin, though she failed at it when Andrew asked, “Was he eating?” He turned desperately to Gabriella, confused.Jules wasn’t about to cry, she was trying not to laugh! She giggled then, the sound tinkling and odd in the outlandish setting.Andrew straightened and shook his head at Gabriella. “Did you see him eat?
Laura Kreitzer
He sees me when I'm lying. He hears me when I flirt.
Candace Jane Kringle
Demons were all about ego, which meant that most demons had some kind of title. I think it made them feel better about their tiny…pitchforks.
E.J. Stevens
Not another word, not another thought, not another sniffle. If you need to pass gas, I pray you'll clench your backside and keep walking until we are certainly alone.
S.C. Barrus
Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!
J.K. Rowling
If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.
Shannon L. Alder
To think or not to think? That is the new question.
Nadina Boun
...Fate forced me to become a two-man woman. But there was no effing way I could be a four-man woman.Even metaphysics couldn't keep that from being whorey.
Sierra Dean
How'd you get to be so good at this?""I had a good teacher.""Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass.""I mean you, dummy.""Oh.
Rachel Caine
This is why we can't have nice things...
Madge Madigan
Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: "What the heck is going on down there?
Kat Falls
I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I've ever known.
Dave Barry
Arab' is the new four-letter word, didn't you know?
Anissa Rafeh
The monitor presently shows the Windows Blue Screen of Death, though this does not alarm him, as the BSoD is the universal screen saver in Hell.
Robert Olen Butler
To evade arrogance, remind yourself (from time to time) that your talent or success could have been better. To be thankful, remind yourself (every now and then) that your illness or failure could have been worse.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Despite wearing a Rolex, I have no time.
Faraaz Kazi
You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It's far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist
Christopher Paolini
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