Openers Quotes

I'm an idealist: I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.

I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before.

Once you get people laughing they're listening and you can tell them almost anything.

I was chosen to speak due to my warm personality. . . . Look up warm and it means "not so hot."

I do not stand on protocol. If you just call me Excellency it will be okay.

As Spinoza or someone very much like him once said . . .

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

An evening like this would be empty without some reference to [politics] so let's just think of this as empty.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

When I told her we were going to roast her she said "Of course . . . they only crucify the innocent."

A bore is a man who spends so much time talking about himself that you can't talk about yourself.

Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously they've never heard me tell a joke.

If any of you are related to our main guest let me know so I can speak slowly.

At the end of a long introduction: You omitted perhaps one thing - that in 1974 I had a hemorrhoidectomy.