Satire Quotes

Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders.

Though people sort of need your permission to talk to you, they do not really need one to talk about you.

We seldom learn much from someone with whom we agree.

We just move on, don’t we, with traitors still amongst us? But there was one thought that wouldn’t go away. If I loved him, I would forgive him.

Among other possibilities, money was invented to make it possible for a foolish man to control wise men; a weak man, strong men; a child, old men; an ignorant man, knowledgeable men; and for a dwarf to control giants.

We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.

the whole of Victorian literature done up in grey paper & neatly tied with string

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman

...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.

If you do it in the bookies, it's a bet. . . . If you pay some 23-year-old in an Armani suit two hundred grand to go to the window for you, it's a derivative.

He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.

Every single day an estimated eighteen million men gratuitously waste the future of our country, by needlessly ejaculating one hundred million citizens of our country, which had they been born, would have made us the strongest country on the planet.

The old joke is that psychiatrists are doctors who can't stand the sight of blood. Maybe they can't stand it, but if they work where I work, they damn well better get used to it.At least surgeons and prizefighters get to wear gloves

Percy, you are dismissed from my service.""Me? Why, my lord?""Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed." "Oh, I see." "And as for you, Baldrick..." "Yes." "You're out, too.

Are you trying to seduce me or trick me?

Tides are like politics. They come and go with a great deal of fuss and noise, but inevitably they leave the beach just as they found it. On those few occasions when major change does occur, it is rarely a good news.

There’s no such thing as a good or bad person: there are just people who have each been or seem to have been good or bad to you, someone, or some people, thus far.

One of the most common and most dangerous misbeliefs is that it is impossible for someone to be stupid just because they are a doctor or a lawyer.

There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.

Plants are more courageous than almost all human beings: an orange tree would rather die than produce lemons, whereas instead of dying the average person would rather be someone they are not.

An avalanche is just a snowflake that got pissed off.

The pleasure or the benefit that the object of our deed derives from it is every now and then greater or even more important than the one we derive from the deed.

Most people would instantly start feeling ten years older if someone were to convince them that they were actually born a decade before their birthdate.

The worst mistake a writer can make is to assume everyone has an imagination.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

You have a faculty for defining the simplest in terms of the grandiose, so that a poor devil like me can't understand it.

(...) ha! what is hope? a butterfly in a boxof demons, and nothing escapes the darkuntainted, a mockery of politics and greedstamped with treason and dipped inmyths and force-fed brainwashinggoing off after a time for the grandmassacre of faith, humanity, and still we search, scorched feetfor life but find only fake plastic treessatirical, ludicrous, and ironic

Oh, you’re hardly one to talk. Look where ogling a man got you.

It's nice to be able to do things for other people, isn't it?That's why it's fun to talk in the third person sometimes.

Dumbfounded, I stood before the court, trying to figure out if there was a state of being between “guilty” and “innocent.” Why were those my only alternatives? I thought. Why couldn’t I be “neither” or “both”? After a long pause, I finally faced the bench and said, “Your Honor, I plead human.

Perhaps there's an innate human emotion inside us all that when we are presented with something we don't understand, we immediately want to kill it.

We're all prostitutes sir we're all selling ourselves for something

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

People who regularly abuse power don't like being laughed at'.

To be self-contented is to be vile and ignorant, ans that to aspire is better than to be blindly and impoitently happy.

Most of the very few people who would choose a good heart over riches would eventually use that to either make a lot of money, or attract men or women who are rich.

When it comes to assassination, execution is everything.

Satire is a lesson, parody is a game.

Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly.

The world is indeed a cold, hard stone.

I turned on Fox News and jumped when I saw that they had one of those things in their studio. "Are you people crazy?" I screamed at the television. "Get out of there. Somebody shoot it!" Then I realized I was watching Special Report and had mistaken Charles Krauthammer for a zombie.

Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.

Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.

A seemingly simple task like taking a bath or wearing a condom feels like multitasking to someone who suffers from hemiplegia or has only one hand.

Rock stars have many of the same qualities as athletes—millions for doing what they love, fans, easy pussy, fame, status, the ability to do whatever they want when they want. While what they do is still cool, the main difference is that it’s less masculine. You connect with your fans in this intense, intimate, emotional way that is less about you and more about them, how you make them feel. When you’re an athlete, it’s all about you. They cheer you on. When you make music, you cheer them on, provide the soundtrack to their little lives, and all they do is cheer you back to say “Thanks.

On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year’s Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.

I've always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this.

Yet, Malice never was his Aim;He lash'd the Vice but spar'd the Name. No individual could resent,Where thousands equally were meant. His Satry points at no Defect, But what all Mortals may correct...Verses on the death of Dr Swift

By and large, the mission of any ghost is to offer humility. They point out what's important by mocking what is not.(Joshua Malina, Sports Night)

People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound.

You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!

Have I not told youdinosaurs were past glorythey extinct big time.

Not another word, not another thought, not another sniffle. If you need to pass gas, I pray you'll clench your backside and keep walking until we are certainly alone.

To think or not to think? That is the new question.

To evade arrogance, remind yourself (from time to time) that your talent or success could have been better. To be thankful, remind yourself (every now and then) that your illness or failure could have been worse.

An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant.

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.

...in the worst of circumstances, the hypocrite who pretends to be good does less harm than the public sinner.

And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air

A dutiful wife enables a good man to add her hands to his own for self-applause.