Humor Quotes - Page 34

You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them until they're dead.

It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all that was required.

The first commandment of dog behavior: Thou shalt not hump. Thou shalt especially not hump in public. Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor’s wife, thy neighbor’s leg, or thy neighbor’s Jack Russell Terrier. - Belle, Dog Only Knows

The book didn't want to be copied?I should introduce it to the house that doesn't want any occupants.

...A canonical leader is someone whose exemplary rule might have appeared to be for the alleviation of the pains and miseries of a particular group, but which in reality is for the advancement of humanism...

I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.

When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich?

Your art…” I gaped at the field of white. “There was a lovely portrait of me—right there.”I get offended whenever art is damaged, especially if that art features me.

Everyone claims to want the truth. If you really want it, I’d suggest investing seriously in humor and this mysterious skill of transforming bad news into good. Otherwise, you’ll only get more frustrated.

Love is the purest form of each individual on the planet Earth

Go ahead and laugh at Detroit. Because you are laughing at yourself.

Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." "I know," said Pooh humbly.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Failure: the renewable resource.

I'd rather eat nothing than eat a carrot.

In hindsight, I have no idea why he was ever with me. He thought highly of my breasts. And . . . that's it, I think.

I was lost in the moments I decided to keep. To be awake in a dreamless sleep. And in that place between dream and sleep, I planted some more things I would like to keep.

They say a woman's loyalty only lasts as long as it takes her to hang up and dial again.

Want wisdom? Laugh at yourself.

Yes, I could stop writing... But only after I shoot myself.

With his arm back around Gavin's waist, Brad suddenly seemed very determined to get to their destination. Gavin was curious about it until he saw the restaurant. With rainbow flags hanging on either side of the sign mounted on the roof, it sort of looked like home base in a game of gay tag.

Yes you're getting your tattoo." I threw my arms around Dad's neck. "Thank you!" "Hey," Mom said. "I'm the one who had to persuade him it wasn't turning his little girl into a streetwalker." "I never said that," Dad said. "No?" I said. "Cool. Cause I've decided to skip the paw print. I'm thinking of a tramp stamp with flames that says 'Hot in Here.' No wait. Arrows. For directionally challenged guys

I Twitter (or Facebook) therefore I am

He had a prince's looks but a pirate's eyes.

I’m going crazy, Louis thought wonderingly. Wheeeeee!

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.

If you can't forgive and forget, then pick one and do it ...

We loved it. We loved how slow it was. We love that it took forever. Actually, we never wanted it to end. We loved the jungle, the rafts, the ridiculous armor and helmets. . .I think most of all we loved that it didn't have a happy ending for anyone. The whole time we were sort of expecting that someone would survive because that's how stories work: Even if everything is a total disaster, someone lives to tell the tale. But not with Aguirre, the Wrath of God. Hell no. Everyone dies. That's awesome.

As a rule of thumb, it was always safer if the Commander-in-Chief formulated a risky plan.

I wish," I said. "I could save orgasms in a jar for when I need them, because I think I have a few extra.

(This is from me: I found this and I'm dying I apologize for any non-Supernatural fans out there but omg the fandom must read this.)Dean: Dad, this is Cas.John: I'm not working with any other hunters, Dean.Dean: He's not a hunter, Dad. He's an angel. John: Well, I knew you were gay but that's no way to introduce me to your boyfriend.Dean: What? No Dad, he's literally an angel. From Heaven.

Love is like the human appendix. You take it for granted while it's there, but when it's suddenly gone you're forced to endure horrible pain that can only be alleviated through drugs.

Next!” The taller of the guys at the door called. Saved by the yell.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

So crosses don't do anything against your kind?" Sean asked."No," Arland said. "There is no mystical force repelling us.""Then why?""We're forbidden to kill a creature in a moment of prayer or invocation of their deity. Well, we can, technically, but you have to do penance and purify yourself and nobody wants to spend weeks praying and bathing themselves in the sacred cave springs. The water's only a fraction warmer than ice. When one of you holds up a cross, it's difficult to determine whether you're praying, invoking, or just waving it around. So the sane strategy is to back away.

Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar

The only real recourse that [Russian] people had against tsarist rule was violence and rebellion. It was once remarked that Russia's constitution was "absolutism moderated by assassination.

You must go to the extreme to find out who you are, but sometimes, you never go back.

The other day, we went somewhere, and did something.

Wilbur looked at the list glumly. "Are you sure you need all this stuff?""Yep.""The ax?""The ax is critical.""The c

All men have their frailties; and whoever looks for a friend without imperfections, will never find what he seeks.

You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."Aw, come on, now." Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it.

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

Run everything on a generator,” Haskel said. “Got to keep it a certain temperature for the stuff I carry. Not too cold. Not too hot. There’s shit in here, weather got wrong, it’d go off and blow our asses all the way to Mineola. Maybe out in the goddamned Gulf.”“I don’t like to travel that far unless I got plane tickets and a steward in my lap,” Leonard said.Haskel cut an eye toward Leonard. “You mean stewardess, don’t you?”“I don’t think so,” Leonard said, and let Haskel churn that one over.

The scientist believes in proof without certainty, the bigot in certainty without proof.

You can change your mind, don't let your mind change you

In some cases, it is the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that has left her man for another.

Sure we could replace war with paintball battles. But it would escalate to paint grenades, paint bombs, weapons of mass paint. I don’t want to live in a world where my kids have to worry about what color they will be in the morning.

How many great gems were lost to thoughtand not put down to pen.You can but think of just a fewand then they're lost again.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A line of perspiration slipped down my spine like a waterslide at an unamusement park.

In the legal respect, after the execution of the supposed incendiaries, the other half of Moscow burned down.

All right people, listen up! If you've got a family back home waiting for you or if you just want to save your own skin, turn around and walk away. Also, women! I have no intention of fighting any women!

Straightening, I asked, "What do you believe in?""Old love songs, best friends, the collected works of J.R.R.Tolkien, crispy pork egg rolls with just the right amount of grease, the Big Boss and eternity.""The Big Boss?"Zachary pointed up, as if to heaven. "Pious,"I teased.

How're we getting to King's Cross tomorrow, Dad?" asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding."The Ministry's providing a couple of cars," said Mr. Weasley.Everyone looked up at him."Why?" said Percy curiously."It's because of you, Perce," said George seriously. "And there'll be little flags on the hoods, with HB on them-""-for Humongous Bighead," said Fred.

I grew up once, I decided never to do it again

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual opium.

I thought all men were the enemy," he said as a tease. I narrowed my eyes. "Well who exactly do you think teaches little girls to see other little girls as the enemy, when in fact it's all just a lie to make sure we never consolidate our talents and rise to power?" I watched Lock's expression brighten and I changed the subject before he said something annoying, like how lovely I looked when I ranted about the patriarchy.