Humour Quotes - Page 11

People who can change and change again are so much more reliable and happier than those who can’t

I'm living so far beyond my means that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Langdon turned to Sophie. "Who is that? What... happened?"Teabing hobbled over. "You were rescued by a knight brandishing an Excalibur made by Acme Orthopedic.

Much has been written on the excellence of bats' navigation equipment. It is all false. Tropical bats spend their entire time flying into obstacles with a horrible thudding noise. They specialize in slamming into walls and falling, fluttering onto your face. As my own 'piece of equipment essential for the field' I would strongly recommend a tennis racket; it is devastatingly effective in clearing a room of bats.

And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.

Oh Lass, I’m not going full out R rated for Alex, trust me,” he emphasized and rolled his eyes. “No, no. I’m doing this for you, so you feel luscious, and if it should jolt Raf out of his comfort zone, bonus!

Do you really think he was flirting with me?""Let's see. He gave you candy you hate - I saw your face - and a CD of songs..." He looks at the CD. "All of these are, like, twenty years old at least. Figures. Oh, and he groped your face. Sounds like true love to me.

Any day God removes His hand from you, you are finished. Your hope and trust is only in Him. Your confidence, your strength, your power and your life is in God. There is no better life without Him. Look around the world and you will understand me.

Jeese, I thought, fear choking me. I was being targeted by a ‘tangoed’ psychopath!

I always wanted to be a juvenile delinquent but my parents wouldn't let me.

From the beginning, when something was wrong I've been saying: 'Dilly-ding, dilly-dong, wake up, wake up!' So on Christmas Day I bought for all the players and all the staff a little bell. It was just a joke.

Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because—what with trolls and dwarfs and so on—speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.

Immediately after a divorce or a breakup, your mind whispers that there are plenty more fish in the sea, while your heart shouts that there is only one whoever-you-just-divorced-or-broke-up-with.

Well?" said Loki. "What about you, Heimdall? Do you have any suggestions?""I do," said Heimdall. "But you won't like it."Thor banged his fist down upon the table. "It does not matter whether or not we like it," he said. "We are gods! There is nothing that any of us gathered here would not do to get back Mjollnir, the hammer of the gods. Tell us your idea, and if it is a good idea, we will like it.""You won't like it," said Heimdall."We will like it!" said Thor."Well," said Heimdall, "I think we should dress Thor as a bride. Have him put on the necklace of the Brisings. Have him wear a bridal crown. Stuff his dress so he looks like a woman. Veil his face. We'll have him wear keys that jingle, as women do, drape him with jewels -""I don't like it!" said Thor. "People will think... well, for a start they'll think I dress up in women's clothes. Absolutely out of the question. I don't like it. I am definitely not going to be wearing a bridal veil. None of us like this idea, do we? Terrible, terrible idea. I've got a beard. I can't shave off my beard.""Shut up, Thor," said Loki son of Laufey. "It's an excellent idea.

It was a smooth silvery voice that matched her hair. It had a tiny tinkle in it, like bells in a doll's house. I thought that was silly as soon as I thought of it.

Do you ever wear leather?" the guy asks."What?""Leather. Do you like leather?""It doesn't exactly wipe me out.""I like to see boys in leather."I look at him cool. "Okay," I say, "what is it you want and how much are you willing to pay for it?""I've got a leather jacket upstairs...Would you put it on?""Just put it on?""I'll go and get it."He leaves the horror hole and returns a few minutes later holding a leather flying jacket with a lambswool collar. There are tears in the jacket's sleeves, and the lambswool is yellow with age. John Wayne could've worn it in one of those crappy war films he made. "Put it on," the guy says.I give him a spiky smile and put on the jacket. "Okay, where's the plane, and what time's take-off?""Drop your jeans and turn around.

I just want to say, for the record, as far as Royal protectors go, you're not very good.""It's my first day," Royce replied dryly."And already I am trapped in a timeless prison. I shudder to think what might have happened if you had a whole week.

In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.

You can pretend to be serious but you can't pretend to be witty.

In fact the bare adjective "bad" hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

You can win war without fighting and you must not fight a war in order to win. The battle is of the Lord.

Life,” said Marvin dolefully, “loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.

Congratulations.You've just been demoted from the "pity" sector to the "apathy" sector.To check the validity of this offer you can ask if anyone cares.To cancel your subscription, go get a life.Thank you.

I promise to pay you before you die - but you have to promise not to die.

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?”“What do you think?”“Then I’m not going to let you go.

Now according to German logic, a declaration of war was found to be unnecessary because of imaginary bombings

Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral.

Nobody ever drowned in their own sweat.

Back in my day, which was about a week and a half ago, we took our lumps and we got back up and we cried like babies and quit and then put on weight.

Some people have great ideas maybe once or twice in their life, and then they discover electricity or fire or outer space or something. I mean, the kind of brilliant ideas that change the whole world. Some people never have them at all... I get them two or three times a week.

I am so glad that God's disappointment in me is not greater than his love and I still have a Destiny. I am growing in grace and mercy because that is the only soil that can produce the kind of life that God desires.

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

Tucker: "Today we ran into a mama grizzly with two cubs at the ridge off Colter Bay and Clara sang to it to make it go away."Mrs. Avery: You sang to it?Tucker: Her singing is that bad.

Advertising - A judicious mixture of flattery and threats.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

The strong man lit a cigarette. It looked too frail for his hand. They looked like King Kong and Fay Wray, that hand, that cigarette. There was a movie going on right under his nose and he didn't even know. The guy had about one brain cell and he was doing time in it.

Some mistakes are worse than others: wearing your underwear inside out isn’t as uncomfortable as wearing it back to front.

Writing is lonely. Until that moment you write your first character and suddenly you have company.

She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.

Humour is the best weapon to fight any battle. But there is a thin line between humour and humiliation and beware not to cross it.

Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.

The main causes for divorceare marriages.

Why, there's the air, the sky, the morning, the evening, moonlight, my friends, women, the beautiful architecture of Paris to study, three big books to write and all sorts of other things. Anaxagoras used to say that he was in the world in order to admire the sun. And then I have the good fortune to be able to spend my days from morning to night in the company of a man of genius - myself - and it's very pleasant.

Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..

Skinny jeans were only good if you had skinny genes.

One of the main functions of a push-up bra is to lower the number of mothers who seem like mothers.

You know for sure Jane would be annoyed she gave you all her money and you’re not even enjoying it. Should have given it to me.’ Myrna had shaken her head in mock bewilderment. ‘I’d have known what to do with it. Boom, down to Jamaica, a nice Rasta man, a good book—’‘Wait a minute. You have a Rasta man and you’re reading a book?’‘Oh, yes. Each has a purpose. For instance, a Rasta man is great when he’s hard, but not a book.’Clara had laughed. They shared a disdain for hard books. Not the content, but the cover. Hardcovers were simply too hard to hold, especially in bed.‘Unlike a Rasta man,’ said Myrna.

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, "You can do this. You've got what it takes." The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

God wants to use you right where you are with what you have not what you do not have.

We are all planted in God's vineyard and our lives are filled with potentials and purpose and we have all been given the hopes to anchor our lives even in the most disappointed times. So God is waiting to see what you and I will make out of the raw materials that He has given to us. He is waiting to see what we will make out of the discouragement and disappointment. I believe that in those deepest places of disappointment that the greatest grace will manifest.

He had decided that if he ever returned to his old job he would create a special level of hell, an enormous inescapable shop of attractive but useless and overpriced items that the damned would wander for eternity in the cold delusion that this was what they wanted. And then Nerys had taken him to IKEA and Clovenhoof realised the humans had once again beaten him to it.

I’ll always be your friend,” he said. “Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too.” He groaned and shifted in his chair. “Soon. I want to be that soon.” Then a look came over him. “Oh Gina…I didn’t even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

Shall we proceed, and ought I do so with my knife drawn?”“You’d better keep it where it is for the moment,” he said. “Otherwise you might stab me to death accidentally.” .“If I stab you to death,” she said, “it will not be accidental.

Swans sing before they die— 't were no bad thing Should certain persons die before they sing.

Murder is only killing in the wrong place.

The worst part of being a driver is that you have hours to yourself while waiting for your employer. You can spend this time chitchatting and scratching your groin. You can read murder and rape magazines. You can develop the chauffeur's habit it's a kind of yoga, really of putting a finger in your nose and letting your mind go blank for hours (they should call it the "bored driver's asana").