Humour Quotes - Page 13

It'd be funny if one of them was called Gavin. Funny but irrelevant.

If you never listen, you can't see. The devil has got so many people so disconnected that they cannot even listen or even sense when the Lord is speaking.

You really saw some?" Liz said an hour later. Sure, we had the stereo blaring and the shower running, but Liz still whispered, "They really...exist?" "Liz," I whispered back, "they're not unicorns." "No," Bex said flatly, "they're boys. And they're...good.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Of all funny things, truth is the funniest.

Is this what you do with your spare time?” he asked me, ignoring his sister.“What—are you deciding to talk to me now?” Smiling tightly, I grabbed a handful of mulch and dumped it. Rinse and repeat. “Yeah, it’s kind of a hobby. What’s yours? Kicking puppies?

-I love you, Lenny.-From the diaphragm.-What are you talking about?-You have to say it from the diaphragm. That's a muscle in here. Real deep, not from the throat. I tried to be an actor once and that's the first thing they told me. That's when I quit. I just didn't have that much in my diaphragm.

A million possible endearments ran through his head. But he said, “Help.

The boy knew that escaping school was the surest sign of his election.

How, and when shall these things come to pass? wherefore are our years few and evil?

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."Where?"In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically.

It was absolutely necessary to interrupt him now.

So then do you think it's true that he killed someone? And what about the part where he wishes he could die?""If it IS true that he killed someone, that's bad."In any case, "it seems like something is bothering Shuji" was now a contender for the Understatement of the Century.

When I am alone in the forest at night-time and jump from one tree to another, I often think that life is so strange.

He had no problem with flies or bugs or beetles, even creepy ones like earwigs and cockroaches...Six legs were fine, but eight were alien and unnatural.'The same number of legs as four fully-grown serial killers!

If you're dealing with a pack of werewolves I'll jump in without hesitation, but I was not getting in the middle of a pack of crazed shoppers on Black Friday

Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.

You want fantasy? Here's one... There's this species that lives on a planet a few miles above molten rock and a few miles below a vacuum that'd suck the air right out of them. They live in a brief geological period between ice ages, when giant asteroids have temporarily stopped smacking into the surface. As far as they can tell, there's nowhere else in the universe where they could stay alive for ten seconds. And what do they call their fragile little slice of space and time? They call it real life.

The Sufi saying has it: "God, to the bee, is something which has TWO stings!

He lies down next to me.He says, 'You know - you have a face to die for/''Well, don't die,' I say, "we just met.

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.

The advantage of being married a long time was that one could argue without the necessity of the other's actual, physical presence.

When did you get so smart?"He tapped his forehead. "Brain transplant. They put in a whale's. I'm passing all my classes with my eyes closed now, but I just can't get over this craving for krill." He shrugged. "And I feel sorry for the whale that got my brain. Probably swimming around Florida now trying to catch glimpses of girls in bikinis.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card

His only mistake, naturally enough, was to keep his attention on the bloke with the saw. He should have been watching the naked girls. Amazing how finely balanced that choice can be.

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

Flirting with random women in a tavern? That sounds like Helios. Well, it sounds like most of the gods, actually.

For the next century, no elf is to be banished to the human world. No more Star Wars, no more Harry Potter, no more Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, and no more body-doubling for Tom Cruise. Elves shouldn't be treated like shit. We're not Mexicans.

But I, when I undress meEach night, upon my kneesWill ask the Lord to bless meWith apple-pie and cheese.

There must be a demand, there must be an urge and there must be a will and where there is a demand and a will, there will also be a way.

And as their penile pain began to subside, the two men were able to form more complex thoughts, resulting in a collaborative work: the development of a worldview that might be described as “penilosophy.

Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant-No! no! I mean an elephoneHe tried to use the telephone-(Dear me! I am not certain quiteThat even now I've got it right.)Howe'er it was, he got his trunkEntangled in the telephunk;The more he tried to get it free, The louder buzzed the telephee-(I fear I'd better drop the songOf elephop and telephong!)

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)

Some people have contracted HIV during their separate endeavours to give someone or some people a curable STD.

Michael tousled my hair and said, "Remember, no more skateboards, right?" And then this gem: "If you ever break your arm skateboarding again..." He paused, flashing me a dimpled Charles Ingalls grin, which then suddenly disappeared. "I'll break the other one.

Sadly, I hate foreigners. And Americans. And animals. And flora, and some fauna. Also the magma that is the very core of this our mother earth. I'm full o' hate!

Truly," remarked Nandi as we entered a darkened tunnel, "it is amazing that you have not died yet, mistress." "Well, hang in there. The night is young.

You know you’re dealing with a numpty when her saving grace is that she didn’t help to cover up a murder.

I m not funny, really m not !!! I just tell people the truth, and then they start laughing and say haha you are funny...but seriously m not!!!

Life is mean! Don't lose your humour jacket. You'll really need it.

I'm not sure if you've noticed this yet, but Jenny Sullivan likes to overuse people's first names. It's a technique she read about in a book called Own It - Take Life By The Bollocks. She once said my name so many times I disconnected from it entirely.

While 'Rap Trax!' recorded, Neel found some scrap paper and we started writing our first lyrics. Bandying about subject matter and title, we got stuck on the idea of 'cool', so my first rap song became 'Pretty Cool'. It was a symbol of our confidence. We weren't awesome cool or mega cool. We were only... pretty cool.

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

I always pick a gorgeous time to fall over a suitcase or something.

It were better that we were not at all, than that we should live still in wickedness, and to suffer, and not to know wherefore.

You shouldn't panic so much," Siris said. "You'll never be a good thief if you panic.

Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?”“Yeah,” I say. “As long as it’s not in your house and you don’t know about it, you’re okay with us messin’ around.”“I know you’re joking with me. You are joking with me, aren’t you?”“Maybe.

Ah, if only we were born roaring with laughter and took that emotional template through life with us! Whoever's in charge seriously messed up somewhere. I can only hope that right now, that selfsame Whoever is wryly relating their cock-up to some celestial colleague, who responds: 'Hey, you should put that in a book. LOL!

Most people believe most of the things they believe only because they believe that most people believe them.

But neither could compare with the gargantuan natural edifice that was the mountain upon which Nachtstürm Castle rose. It was a mountain made of the darkness between two lightning bolts. It was made less of earth than Stygian frost. Whole towns fell away as they ascended, as though the ranks of black and frowning conifers waged war against the humans below. Even the path – rather narrow and rarely straight – seemed less made by centuries of pilgrim feet and more by the trace of some careless demon’s claw.It was, in fact, perfect.

If you don't remove your hands immediately, I will render you unable to biologically maintain life.

Oh, is that my report, father?' said Mike, with a sort of sickly interest, much as a dog about to be washed might evince in his

For a moment, Simon's sympathetic nervous system forgot he was arachnophobic. The sight of those spindly legs rising, like an ink drawing popping out of paper into three-dimensional space, should have caused a surge of adrenaline, a yelp of panic, and at least three feet of involuntary back-peddling.

- Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself.

It's time to shop high heels if your fiance kisses you on the forehead.

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Revernd Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man Upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

If the most High grant thee to live, thou shall see after the third trumpet that the sun shall suddenly shine again in the night, and the moon thrice in the day:

This is where being a modern woman can be very confusing. Half of me was annoyed that Quinn felt I needed protecting and the other half of me loved that he wanted to do it. Go figure.” Rosa Wild, "Wild Pursuit