Funny Quotes - Page 16

So you’re her brother?” says Lynn. “I guess we know who got the good genes.”I laugh at the expression on Caleb’s face, his mouth drawn into a slight pucker and his eyes wide.

Fun and killing ain’t synonyms to regular folks, Zeus.”.

The thing about being a screenwriter, scriptwriter, or scenarist, You get to have multiple personalities and not be charged!

Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.

Not one word," Kel warned. "Tobe and I have reached an understanding." Neal's lips twitched. "Why do I feel you did most of the understanding.

You really are a pain in the ass,” he laughs. I swat him playfully, laughing too as a single tear rolls down my cheek. He wipes it away and tucks my hair behind my ear, “But you’re my pain in the ass.

Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.

I held a nail in place and slammed it with the hammer. Best. Chore. Ever.

Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.

There is something stunningly narrow about how the Anthropic Principle is phrased. Yes, only certain laws and constants of nature are consistent with our kind of life. But essentially the same laws and constants are required to make a rock. So why not talk about a Universe designed so rocks could one day come to be, and strong and weak Lithic Principles? If stones could philosophize, I imagine Lithic Principles would be at the intellectual frontiers.

I stare past her at the inspirational kitten posters. There's one of a soaking-wet kitten climbing out of a toilet with the caption "it could be worse!""Just tell me whatever it is you're thinking," Mrs. Paulsen says. "Whatever is going through your mind right now.""I hope they didn't actually drop a cat in the toilet to get that picture," I choke out. "...Pardon?""Nothing. Sorry.

Odd, though, all these dealings of mine with myself. First I’ve agreed a principle withmyself, now I’m making out a case to myself, and debating my own feelings andintentions with myself. Who is this self, this phantom internal partner, with whom I’mentering into all these arrangements? (I ask myself.)

The fewer moving parts, the better." "Exactly. No truer words were ever spoken in the context of engineering.

Instead of putting flowers in books to flatten them you can use a brick.

It seems the only thing that can rob you of your formidable powers of inquisition is the sight of me without a shirt on.

Just when you see a kid selling a mascot,If you don't buy it because he winks, Not only that will be considered a "boycott",Xenophobically, it will also be a jinx!

I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don't want to be friends. - Raven from Blood of Prey

Cleave to the common good. We are all responsible for bringing about the time of great suffering, for its continuing.

Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.

Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?

Headline?" he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.

Was she pregnant then?' asked Assad. Judging by the number of family members in his photos, it was a feminine condition with which he was quite familiar.

They say money talks, but all mine ever says is 'good-bye sucker.

You have terminated me,” one of them said in a strange, flat voice. “But Iam one of many.”“Robots!” Iggy breathed, taking Total from Angel.“One of many, one of many, one of many,” the robot Eraser was saying. NowNudge saw the red light in its eyes, saw how they were fading and winking out.“Good!” spat the Gasman, kicking it hard. “Because we like to blow stuff up,blow stuff up, blow stuff up!

When they throw the water on the witch, she says, “Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness”. That line inspired my life. I sometimes say it to myself before I go to sleep, like a prayer.

If you never listen, you can't see. The devil has got so many people so disconnected that they cannot even listen or even sense when the Lord is speaking.

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

What are you doing?” I asked Loretta. “Stabbing a cushion,” she told me.

There is this common notion that people are shallow and ignorant until they go out and see the world. I, on the other hand, went out and in comparison realized I was in pretty good standing.

Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you’ve ever held dear with the greatest of ease.

I don’t understand you, Pigeon. I thought I knew women, but you’re so fucking confusing I don’t know which way is up.”“I don’t understand you, either. You’re supposed to be Eastern’s ladies’ man. I’m not getting the full freshmen experience they promised in the brochure,” I teased.

strangers seem uncomfortable when you question them about their childhood. But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it’s the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with.

A million possible endearments ran through his head. But he said, “Help.

I'd love to be what I have been.

I meditate; therefore, you live.

How, and when shall these things come to pass? wherefore are our years few and evil?

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."Where?"In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically.

One of the multitudes of exboyfriends had been a country music fan and left Gemma with an unfortunate passion for Tammy Wynette. It was like, Cat thought, he’d given her herpes.

Honor is kind of what you get when you weaponize manners ...

Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.

...I'm worried I will leave grad school and no longer be able to speak English. I know this woman in grad school, a friend of a friend, and just listening to her talk is scary. The semiotic dialetics of intertextual modernity. Which makes no sense at all. Sometimes I feel that they live in a parallel universe of academia speaking acadamese instead of English and they don't really know what's happening in the real world.

Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it.

It will never belong in a Hallmark card, but I drove a car into a house and killed a man for you. You chained me up for days and I still wanted to come back and talk over our darkly sordid, slightly kinky, and a lot warped relationship. Face it, you're stuck with me.

I am so tired of this gothic crap,” I muttered. “Just once, I want to meet the villain in a cheerful, brightly lit room. Possibly one with kittens.

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

Seven billion who need to be kept happy, and docile, until the end. How do you do that? What's the best way to calm down a scared kid, get them to go back to sleep? Tell them a story. Some shit about Jesus or whatever.

Not everything is funny or will make you laugh...but what a worthy goal to have.

And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?"Gabriel looked wounded. "To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood--""That's very comforting, thank you.

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location where I was first punched in the face by a bully. Somewhere out there, a tooth of mine lay deep within the soil.

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a fucking weirdo.

My princess," began Mara, then found she could not speak the crushing phrases. "His Highness sends his warmest regards," she finished.She had the satisfaction of seeing Ianni's face come back to life; the great dark eyes lost their look of suffering and turned hopefully toward the king. Mara turned to him too, well-pleased with her merciful little lie. But one look at his startled face froze the blood in her veins. What a fool she was! Of course, he had understood every word she said. "Son of Pharaoh, live forever!" she gasped. "I crave pardon-- I could not believe you meant to wound this princess, however lowly--""You mean you forgot that I could understand," retorted Thutmose.

When did you grow a back bone?" Cassius stopped pacing and actually smiled a little.Kendall wasn't appeased "I borrowed Jory's

Flirting with random women in a tavern? That sounds like Helios. Well, it sounds like most of the gods, actually.

Look here, cousin,” Big Country’s drawled in the background. “This here’s a car. We just got off a plane, and no matter how fast you push this bitch, she ain’t gon’ fly, so believe me when I say, I refuse to die over some foolishness you call love, not today.

Nothing is impossible to kill. It's just that sometimes after you kill something you have to keep shooting it until it stops moving

Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant-No! no! I mean an elephoneHe tried to use the telephone-(Dear me! I am not certain quiteThat even now I've got it right.)Howe'er it was, he got his trunkEntangled in the telephunk;The more he tried to get it free, The louder buzzed the telephee-(I fear I'd better drop the songOf elephop and telephong!)