Funny Quotes - Page 17

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)

Now you be careful in the real world" said Armpit " Not everyone is as nice as us.

I had a dream about you last night. I was writing a ‘Sex for dummies-Christians That Secretly What to be Porn Stars- 1st edition.’ And you helped me with the illustrations.

Today 5:14 p.m."Mrrrrrowl. Mrrrrrowl.""Ow! Ow, stupid cat! Ahem. You told me, 'stop calling, Isabelle,' but I'm not the one calling you. Church is calling you. Mine are merely the fingers that work the phone."See, here's something you may not have known before you committed your recent rash acts. Our cat, Church, and your cat, Chairman Meow? They're in love. I've never seen such love before. I never knew such love could exist in the heart of a... cat. Some people say that love between two dude cats is wrong, but I think it's beautiful. Love makes Church happier than I've ever seen him. Nothing makes him happy like Chairman Meow. Not tuna. Not shredding centuries-old tapestries. Nothing. Please don't keep these cats apart. Please don't take the joy of love away from Church."Look, this is really just a warning for your own good. If you keep Church and Chairman Meow apart, Church will start to get angry."You wouldn't like Church when he's angry."Beep

It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.

I m not funny, really m not !!! I just tell people the truth, and then they start laughing and say haha you are funny...but seriously m not!!!

I glared at Christian as the blood smeared around. “You could have at least licked it.”He smirked darkly. “I hear that all too often.

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.

I explained my opinion of the ship’s logic. “That is a strange designation,” said the ship. “While I have certain organic elements incorporated into my substructure and decentralized DNA computing components, I am not—in the strictest sense of the term—a biological organism. I have no digestive system. No need for elimination, other than the occasional waste gas and passenger effluvium. Therefore, I have no anus in either real or figurative terms. Therefore, I hardly believe I could qualify to be called an …” “Shut up,” I said.

Manchee comes outta the bushes and sits down next to me cuz I’ve stopped right there in the middle of a trail. He looks around to see what I might be seeing and then he says, ”Good poo, Todd.” ”I’m sure it was, Manch

Alec licked his spoon, then set it on the table and popped his drink open. "Okay, I may be breaking some kind of girl bonding rule or something, but can I offer you a guy's perspective on this?"I frowned, my spoon halfway to my mouth. "Is this gonna make me want to hit you?"He shrugged. "Maybe. But it's the truth. Here goes: kissing back is an instinct. Unless the girl smells like a sewer or has tentacles feeling you up independently, a guy's first instinct is to kiss back. That's how it works. What's important is how long that kissing back lasted. So...how long?

You were at the party on Friday night, weren't you?" I didn't mentioned I'd followed him into the woods.He leaned back in his chair, his legs sprawled out. His boots nudged the bottom ruffle of my skirt. "Aye."Aye? Seriously? Could he be any hotter?Unless he had been looking for his girlfriend at the party.Not hot."I was supposed to meet my cousin," he elaborated, "but I didn't find her,"Hot again.

No punching?" he asked."No.""No kicking?""No.""How about arm wrestling?""No. And before you ask, we've avoided Slug Bug, Slap Bets, and any and all Dance-Offs."Fate Succumbs

I haven't met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they seem to be much more pragmatic about the whole thing than we are. For most males, driving is an extension of their masculinity; they have little fantasy scenarios going all the time - races, chases, and dramatic combat with other drivers. Females, on the other hand, generally seem to view driving as something you do to get somewhere. I know, crazy.

Decoupage hit Mooreland pretty hard...

I had a dream about you last night... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me." "Say 'please.'" "Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?" "Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice. "All right- PLEASE." "NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage.

Most of the other visitors were chained to their audio guides, looking only at what their little headsets told them was worth seeing.

It were better that we were not at all, than that we should live still in wickedness, and to suffer, and not to know wherefore.

I should go in alone," Valkyrie said, speaking loudly to be heard. "If we both go in, it'll look to official.""So I'll just stay out here?" Skulduggery asked. "But what'll I do? There's no one to talk to. It's boring.""You're standing on the roof of a train," Valkyrie pointed out. "If you find this boring, you really need your head examined. Just wait here. I'll do what has to be done and I'll be find out."Fine," he said, sounding grumpy. "Don't be long.

Talk about getting off tangent. My mother's friend may have just killed his wife and my parents are sitting there talking about cows.

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.

Look under your bed and you will know the greatest thief in your room.

Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.

Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?”“Yeah,” I say. “As long as it’s not in your house and you don’t know about it, you’re okay with us messin’ around.”“I know you’re joking with me. You are joking with me, aren’t you?”“Maybe.

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.

Late twenties, single, female. Do the math.Flirty flings were fabulous until you hit the big three-O, all downhillfrom there. Biological clocks started ticking like time bombs waiting todetonate, gravity exerted more force on your life than your mom, andsuddenly, the dog-ugliest creep looked like Jake Gyllenhaal.

His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours.

Most people believe most of the things they believe only because they believe that most people believe them.

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat.

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.

Anger does not change the fact. The will to take control is everything.

I put a knife in your hand and your first instinct was to stab me.""You tried to stab me first," I objected without thinking.

I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, do we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.

Theologians should study in a seminary and before graduating they should make a visit to heaven and hell after which they should submit their thesis and graduate.

Its Batteries! I just know it!

Life at times is a bunch of crap, the nice part about crap is that it's biodegradable.

I feel no grief for being called somethingwhichI am not;in fact, it's enthralling, somehow, like a goodback rub

I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper and sperm donor. -from the journal of Payton Marcus Townsend.

A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.

If the most High grant thee to live, thou shall see after the third trumpet that the sun shall suddenly shine again in the night, and the moon thrice in the day:

Murderous thieves make their home here." She failed to keep the tremor from her voice. "Absolutely," Jonas replied."Dangerous animals too.""Without a doubt."She slanted a look toward him. "Perfect place for you."He repressed a snort. "Oh, such compliments, your highness. You're going to make me blush.

I think he was especially happy because I used to kiss this boy in the neighborhood a lot when I wasvery little, and even though the psychiatrist said it was very natural for little boys and girls to explorethings like that, I think my father was afraid anyway. I guess that's natural, but I'm not sure why.

He’s sitting casually at my kitchen table peeling the skin off an applewith a pocket knife, a red apple that he has quite obviously appropriated from my fruit bowl, might I add.

My body is tired as worn out rug, but my brain (if i had) is always full of curiosity, jumping around for seeking new funs. If they could learn how to be cooperative each others, my life could be way easier... sigh*

Heat radiated off Henry's face. Salty snot ran down his upper lip. A majestic fart propelled him to the top of Section 12, just at the springing of the stadium's curve. He slapped the sign as if high-fiving a teamate. It gave back a game shudder. He was crusing now, darkness be damned, stripping off his sweatshirt and his long underwear top without breaking stride.

This is a theater," Bertie, annoyed by the inquisition, dropped him onto stage. Several feet of slack cable landed atop the fairy in a slithering heap."Oh!" Peaseblossom said. "You've buried him alive!

If you're ever feeling a lack of middle-aged white men, just pop into the Capitol. Not so much the House of Representatives, which has a bit more color and texture, but the Senate -- jeez. Yes, let's have more testosterone running the country.Maximum Ride, School's Out--Forever

Foul!" yelled Jamie, who seemed extremely happy not to be the one facing a blade. "Distracting technique! Put your shirt back on right now.

Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing.

Fuck," Ranger said.Ranger didn't often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door popped open..

Kelsier rapped lightly on the door, and Dockson strolled over, pulling it open."And he makes his stunning entry!" Kelsier announced, sweeping into the room, throwing back his mistcloak.Dockson snorted, shutting the doors. "You're truly a wonder to behold, Kell. Particularly the soot stains on your knees.

Knowledge is a rope, and you're weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy.

I got this delicious bottle of perfume called Fabreze

Neythen looked perplexed. 'My mum always said I'm named after a saint, not an illness.''Which one?''Well he had his head chopped off, see? And then he picked it up and carried it down the road a time. All the way back home, I think.''Messy,' Piers said. 'Not to mention unlikely, though one has to think of chickens and their post-mortal abilities. Did she think that you would inherit the same gift?'Neythen blinked. 'No, my lord.''Perhaps she was just hopeful. It behooves mothers to look ahead to this sort of possibility, after all. I'm tempted to behead you just to see if she was right.Sometimes the most unlikely superstitions turn out to have a basis in fact.

Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

Julian smiled back, his full lips pulled back over white teeth as he rolled the blanket back a little bit. “Is he really a heart breaker?” t“I’m the breakiest of heart breakers,” Leo interjected, his tone deadpan as he dumped a handful of greens into the pot on the stove. tJulian wrinkled his nose. “That’s not even a word,” He complained and fell into a sulky silence from his place on the bed.