Funny Quotes - Page 14

Daniel Elkins. The man credited with hunting vampires to extinction, killed by vampires. Ironic way to go, but he wouldn't have it any other way. He told me on more than one occasion that he knew he'd go down bloody, and he was right.

Do you remember our first kiss? I do. Not a day goes by I don’t think of the feel of that bicuspid against my tongue. It had such a distinctive feel, neither cuspid nor molar…but I’m not sure it knew that – that was what endeared it to me so. It was like the blunted tusk of a wild boar.

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.

Winnie, don't you ever think you're selling yourself short?""Nope. Never. I'm really good at picking quality dick.

Jersey cows,” Eva explained after Jac complimented the luxurious taste. “The butter and cream here are better than anywhere in the world.”“Not that we’re prejudiced,” Theo teased.

Honestly, he could be adorable, and at the moment she had the feeling he wasn't even trying.

I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more obvious about their territorial dispute if they’d both peed on me.

Hackers are nerdy, pasty, tubby, little geeks with triple thick glasses and this is probably a demented otaku with smelly feet. So catching him will be a breeze!

In the void, there is no distinction of east and west."Gwen blinked slightly at that. "I know all of those words, and yet when strung together like that I have no idea what they mean.

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.

Quick," I hissed. "Tell me what you know about this place."The ghost frowned. His face appeared sweaty and his hair was a mess, like he'd been running his fingers through it. "How about, 'hey, Frankie. How you doing, Frankie? I see you're missing both your legs, Frankie.

It was weird, ’cause there we were in Italy listening to people singing in German. The music was nice, though, and there was this guy dressed up like a parrot. If you’d asked me a year ago to guess what opera was like, I’d never have guessed it had guys dressed as parrots. I might’ve wanted to go and see some sooner if I’d known. It was a sweet story, ’cause he met this girl who was dressed as a parrot too, and they got off together.

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial investment.

No kind of social system can make you more happier and secure than your own money.

A robber? In the trash bins? Honestly, Wes. This is Salem Falls, not the set of Law and Order.

I am too much alien and not enough monkey to fit in here.

A clue! From M!""Who's M?""Maybe M is for Mackintosh! Maybe Grabes ans Mackintosh are in cahoots!""Or maybe M is for Mom. Also, who says 'cahoots'?

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

What do you think is the problem? You’re a cute kid-­‐uh, guy. Man. You’re a cuteman.

People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle

I am who I am and I am who I was, and I am who I will always be!

Hear about the hidden time. Some think the hidden time is yet to come. The Kingdom of God does not come by Observation. It is hidden in the inner dimension.

A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them

I lost myself immediately in one of the books, only emerging when the phone rang.“Dashiell?” my father intoned. As if someone else with my voice might be answering the phone at my mother’s apartment.“Yes, Father?”“Leeza and I would like to wish you a merry Christmas.”“Thank you, Father. And to you, as well.”[awkward pause][even more awkward pause]“I hope your mother isn’t giving you any trouble.”Oh, Father, I love it when you play this game.“She told me if I clean all the ashes out of the grate, then I’ll be able to help my sisters get ready for the ball.”“It’s Christmas, Dashiell. Can’t you give that attitude a rest?”“Merry Christmas, Dad. And thanks for the presents.”“What presents?”“I’m sorry—those were all from Mom, weren’t they?”“Dashiell …”“I gotta go. The gingerbread men are on

Eventually, Krysomallos would be skinned for his fleece, which became known as the Golden Fleece, which means I am related to a sheepskin rug.This is why you don't want to think too hard about who you're related to in the Greek myths. It'll drive you crazy.

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

No matter how dire a situation may be, I can always find the humor in it somewhere. If I was ever in a horror movie I would be the goofy one who doesn't seem to know quite what's going on but survives to the end with witty one-liners.

In summers, after 1 hour of extreme gaming you can use your laptop to iron your shirt.

lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes.

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?”“What do you think?”“Then I’m not going to let you go.

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

If there’s one thing all diviners share, it’s curiosity. We really can’t help it; it’s just part of who we are. If you dug out a tunnel somewhere in the wilderness a thousand miles from anywhere and hung a sign on it saying, ‘Warning, this leads to the Temple of Horrendous Doom. Do not enter, ever. No, not even then’, you’d get back from lunch to find a diviner already inside and two more about to go in.Come to think about it, that might explain why there are so few of us.

Life is so funny sometimes that you just have to laugh.

I am so glad that God's disappointment in me is not greater than his love and I still have a Destiny. I am growing in grace and mercy because that is the only soil that can produce the kind of life that God desires.

You will have relatively less problems to solve, if you don't confuse problems with inconveniences.

There were, however, a few exceptions.One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent.

Some mistakes are worse than others: wearing your underwear inside out isn’t as uncomfortable as wearing it back to front.

Men were good for one thing only. Killing spiders. Other than that, I was on my own. It was sad though. Where was the chivalry of yesteryear?

Are imperfections is which make we grate.

She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.

I’m faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I’m a vampire,” Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. “If you get in trouble, I’ll be there.”“Nice,” Shane said. “I’m warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey.”“No, you’re not.”“Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am.

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat.

The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and..."And his arm looked like an eggplant," Clary muttered to herself in exasperation.

Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed!

Lea, you know you should never have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

How can it not exist? What does that—” A tiny grey body shot in front of the Land Rover. “Squirrel!”Mad Rogan swerved to the side, trying to avoid the suicidal beast. The SUV hit a curb and jumped. For a terrifying second, we almost flew, weightless. My heart leaped into my throat. The heavy vehicle landed back on the pavement with a thud. The squirrel leapt into the grass on the other side.I remembered to breathe. “Thank you for not killing the squirrel.”“You’re welcome, although now I want to go back and strangle it.

Don't look now, but that's my ex over there."Surely I'm not the only one who takes "don't look now" as "there's no better time than now." I looked."Bad, Ali!" Another slap to my arm. "Bad, bad, bad Ali! Have you no self control?

Immature citizens in several sizes were massed before a large factorylike structure where advanced techniques transformed them into true-thinking right-acting members of the three social classes, lower, middle, and upper middle.

God wants to use you right where you are with what you have not what you do not have.

We are all planted in God's vineyard and our lives are filled with potentials and purpose and we have all been given the hopes to anchor our lives even in the most disappointed times. So God is waiting to see what you and I will make out of the raw materials that He has given to us. He is waiting to see what we will make out of the discouragement and disappointment. I believe that in those deepest places of disappointment that the greatest grace will manifest.

I can't see anything" he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. "I'm blind.

Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy."I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break.

I’ll always be your friend,” he said. “Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too.” He groaned and shifted in his chair. “Soon. I want to be that soon.” Then a look came over him. “Oh Gina…I didn’t even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!

I helped with customers who raced through the front door in a mad search for the perfect gift. One that looked as if they'd put hours of thought into their choice. And yes, you're right. They were mostly men." -- Abby Shaw, Sucker Punched

So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not?

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something.

Well,” said the frog, “what are you going to do about it?”“Marrying Therandil? I don’t know. I’ve tried talking to my parents, but they won’t listen, and neither will Therandil.”“I didn’t ask what you’d said about it,” the frog snapped. “I asked what you’re going to do. Nine times out of ten, talking is a way of avoiding doing things.

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.