Humor Quotes - Page 21

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.

I'm not too heavy?" she asked. He had just come off crutches, after all.Sophie, you're practically a midget," he reminded her.

Sometimes we want God to use us to do big things when we would not even want to do the basics.

You don't have to feel grateful in order to be grateful.

I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all.

I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.

But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

A muffin what? Are you asking me to eat you or something?

Life is a process during which one initially gets less and less dependent, independent, and then more and more dependent.

Sunday is always one of those days when you don’t feel bad that it has arrived.

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

You can’t has,' he whispered softly, 'not yours.

Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it....

I swear I won't touch you even with a finger until you ask me yourself.

He hadn’t struck her as particularly religious unless she counted the number of times he’d called out to Jesus when he’d been deep inside her.

Je me rends parfaitement compte du desagreable effet que produit sur la majorite de l'humanité, tout ce qui se rapporte, même au plus faible dègré, á des calculs ou raisonnements mathematiques.I am well aware of the disagreeable effect produced on the majority of humanity, by whatever relates, even at the slightest degree to calculations or mathematical reasonings.

If you can't laugh at yourself, don't worry others will…!

If you tell me the truth, the truth I’ll proclaim.If you tell me a lie, you’ll be fair game.

Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)

No hard feelings about that time in the Crucible when you mixed my salts and I was nearly blind for a day. No. No, really, drink up!

When an answer finally comes to me, I know I've completely lost all my wits - or as my mama used to tell my father, I have a few screws loose.

All pomp and show.” Anjali’s glare at the house would’ve exploded bricks if she’d had superhuman powers. “A fat cow needs a big barn.

Clary made fun of him about his new look; but, then, Clary found everything about Simon's love life borderline hilarious.

Showing off is more ridiculous in instances where the thing that is being shown off was bought on credit.

Sydney spent a lot of time on my bed these days.Unfortunately, it wasn't with me.

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but … what?

(Darcy) "Why do you suppose she decided to come back…after all this time, I mean?"(Nick) "The barmaid?""Bronte""If I were to hazard a guess, I would suppose her mother finally convinced her she was on her deathbed.""I suppose, but since she's been on her deathbed for the past ten years that I know of. I'm thinking Bronte probably wouldn't fall for it."

The moon was wide—too wide and too close. Mentally, Simon told the moon to stop being so close and bright and that it should just generally shut up with the mooniness.

Yeah, but will it hurt?”’ I asked.“This is science, Zach,” Randy said, reassuringly, as he tilted my head back and lowered the lens to my eye. “Of course it will hurt.

My mind ran over everything that had happened lately, and running on such thoughts made even my feet hurt.

Finally, my watchers had to fess up. In embarrassed and genuinely polite tones, they said they had no other choice but to arrest me. Then they accompanied me to the prison across the way. As I entered, an extremely tall SS man leapt in front of me and asked: “Do you have any weapons?” “Why?” I responded. “Do I need any?

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

Have Fun Storming the Castle!

I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

So, how’d you get the tattoo?” she said.“Drunken frat boys don’t say no to things their drunken frat brothers are telling them to do.”“That almost sounds like an admission of weakness from the invulnerable Andrew Sheffield.”“Not weakness. Stupidity, maybe. That, I’ll cop to.”“I can’t believe the man behind such a successful business is stupid.”“You’d be surprised. Just as there are different kinds of intelligence, there are different kinds of stupid.

I need to stop saying LMAO because that is precisely what's happening; I wish I could rewind time by two decades, immortalize my derriere in wax, and then kiss it goodbye.

From her own life experience Keldaren knew that loveable hunks were in short supply anywhere in the galaxy, loveable hunks who knew her were an extinct species, and that more marketing companies than friends had her phone number.

Sebastian it is. You can tell me what a patron saint is later, since I have no knowledge of such things. Sebastian Kane."Sebastian Kane Cannon. You're going to marry me and use my last name, right?""Is that supposed to be a proposal?

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.

To be, or not to be: what a question!

Awful things, children. Needy, self-centered tyrants, the boys all teeth and firsts, the girls all claws and spit. Gathering into sniveling packs and sniffing out vulnerabilities — and woe to the child not cunning enough to hide their own — the others would close in like the grubby shark they were. Great pastime, savaging someone.

Vivi muito tempo no mundo das pessoas grandes. Vi-as de bem perto.Não fiquei com muito melhor opinião delas.

And Nate? You kiss like a slobbering dog, you have bad breath, and you wouldn't know how to punch the right buttons on a girl if we came with manuals. Happy Thanksgiving, Jackass.

Traveling through the Dragon's Den, it has just been explained that Haroun, the Ifrit, has been caught in a mirror trap. Here is the passage that follows:"So," said Silas. "Now there are only three of us.""And a pig," said Kandar [the mummy]"Why?" Asked Miss Lupescu, with a wolf-tongue, through wolf teeth. "Why the Pig?""It's lucky," said Kandar.Miss Lupescu growled, unconvinced."Did Haroun have a pig?" asked Kandar, simply.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Once past the comfort zone in either direction, humans soon lost the ability to discriminate bad from worse.

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.

[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]"Don't they teach you anything in your schools?".""Pity. I suppose that's what comes of your main education flowing from Google.

The alarm in the morning? Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra in a perfectly transcendent version in Shubert's seventh symphony. And I've rigged it up so that at exactly 7:30 every morning it falls from the ceiling onto my face.

She was small. Her shadow moved in the dance of chaos before her as the inferno blazed behind her and licked the sky with its many tongues. She clutched an indistinguishable toy with both arms tightly. Her face was serene. Her eyes shone with courage more immense than the surrounding flames. She was small, but at that moment, I've never seen a bigger person.

A baseball club for girls?

Sucks to be left out of adolescence, sort of like getting locked in the closet on Venus when the sun appears for the first time in a hundred years.

Well, it's not easy to find something that you do not know exists.

The greatest ugliness in the world is seeing so beautiful a creature spoil themselves on stupidity.

His princess was dusty.