Humour Quotes - Page 3

Most people would instantly start feeling ten years older if someone were to convince them that they were actually born a decade before their birthdate.

If I looked like him,” Tara said. “I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time.

In the yard of the inn, Daffy Cadwaladyr introduced himself. "Short for Davyd," he said pleasantly.The Londoner looked as if she'd never heard a sillier name in her life.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

The worst mistake a writer can make is to assume everyone has an imagination.

The men worked hard and faithfully. As a rule, in spite of the number of rough characters among them, they behaved very well. One night a few of them went on a spree, and proceeded "to paint San Antonio red." One was captured by the city authorities, and we had to leave him behind us in jail. The others we dealt with ourselves, in a way that prevented a repetition of the occurrence.

Anyone who says "Trust me" is the last motherfucker you should ever trust.

The night before, a whole day could have shape and design. But when it was upon you, it could vanish tragically to air.

I bought a packet of Trojan® Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: ‘No. 1 in AMERICA’. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.

But tonight I'll go alone. You're about as stealthy as a lame elephant. See you later." She patted me on the shoulder and took off down the path, leaving me behind, both charmed and insulted. The side effects of hanging around Charlotte Holmes.

They're horrible little creatures. All snot and smelly feet and pestering questions.""Then why did you go into teaching?""It was either that or sit at home with Mother all day. I picked the lesser of two evils.

So Beckendorf was pretty popular?" Leo asked. "I mean-before he blew up?

... all his faces were designed to express rage or loathing. Now that something had happened which really deserved a face, he had none to celebrate it with. As a kind of token, he made his Sex Life in Ancient Rome face.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

My advice for those of you who felt being marginalised, undervalued and taken for granted; guess what? That is the Arena where God creates Leaders.

Clearly, this was another thing I needed to add to the: ‘repetitive cycle of things that were constantly happening in my life’ list, which currently contained fainting and my ability to find trouble.

What’s a TH?”“A Traffic Hazard,” Heeb clarified.“Oh you mean because the woman is so hot she’ll take your eyes off the road?” Narc confirmed.“Exactly.

I remember calling the council's cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

A man who tosses worms in the river isn’t 't necessarily a friend of the fish. All the fish who take him for a friend, who think the worm’s got no hook in it, usually end up in the frying pan.

The two of them kept an eye open for every tree or temple we passed by, and turned to me for a reaction of piety which I gave them, of course, and with growing elaborateness: first just touching my eye, then my neck, then my clavicle, and even my nipples.  They were convinced I was the most religious servant on earth.

The public thinks big, sensible, measured thoughts while people run around doing silly things

I would rather have a man chasing JESUS than a house full of stuffs and garrage filled with big cars.

As for Percy, he held his magic ballpoint pen like he was trying to decide whether to bust out some sword moves or autograph Nike’s chariot.

...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low.

Hey, Carrots," he says.

Here is a man whose life and actions the world has already condemned - yet whose enormous fortune...has already brought him acquittal!

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

Novelist Peter de Vries like Adlai Stevenson and Mark Twain has suffered from the American assumption that anyone with a sense of humour is not to be taken seriously.

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

Nate shook his head with a crooked grin. "You haven't gone Back to the Future, McFly.

He dunked his tea bag and watched the results critically. “I really must get a new supplier. This tea is pathetic. America just doesn’t understand tea at all.

So it's off with the shellsuit and on with the Armanis,Bring out the champagne and the caviar sarnies

How do you want me to give you that warning?” he added, grinning. Sweat rolled down his chiselled back and he wagged his eyebrows suggestively. “It comes with two settings. One that reads: ‘danger – too hot to handle’ or ‘danger – don’t get too close or you’ll get burnt.

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

Six a.m.!" Xander cried. "I know that's a number on my clock, but I've never actually been awake to personally witness it!

I said, "I'll take the T-bone steak."A soft voice mooed, "Oh wow."And I looked up and realizedThe waitress was a cow.I cried, "Mistake--forget the the steak.I'll take the chicken then."I heard a cluck--'twas just my luckThe busboy was a hen.I said, "Okay no, fowl today.I'll have the seafood dish."Then I saw through the kitchen doorThe cook--he was a fish.I screamed, "Is there anyone workin' hereWho's an onion or a beet?No? Your're sure? Okay then friends,A salad's what I'll eat."They looked at me. "Oh,no," they said,"The owner is a cabbage head.

My love for Neo-Tokyo is a bulbous massof post-human organic circuitry.Cyperpunk is my mother tongue.My love is a man-machine interface gun.

Right, times up,” Annie declared as she not so graciously stood from the table. “On to Hot Steppers, where naked men are waiting to grind upon thy lap. Come along my trusty wenches!

When would he learn that women never stayed where you put them?

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

lose weight, eat backwards.

Sometimes the body gets out of bed an hour before the brain.

Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities.

Where are you from?''Studland.'Suddenly, all the girls started giggling. Why did I feel like I was in the middle of a crime scene?'Wait a second,' Isabelle said, eyes shining. 'Studland?''Yeah?' I asked, wondering what was so funny.'As in "studs"?' she chuckled.

Dresses don't look beautiful on hangers.

I have graduated to the extent of not asking what is happening in my life because I trust the maker(God).

Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.

He finds himself bored by the shenanigans of highly spirited young men. Their concerns reside somewhere between balder and dash.

He discovered in his heart the first faint whispering of pure Christianity, and in some way he continued to keep his virtue intact by keeping his vices active.

I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.

I think Amy Winehouse's decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, "Ooh, look! A tunnel! Whack that seat belt off and let's have a fuck.

She often felt like she had been cast in a supportingrole with the film that was Louise. And there was more melodrama to be found there than a full-scale Merchant-Ivory period production. Tonight, she was certain, would be no exception.

It is hard to be kind to those who smack the hands that feed you.

He must have been delightful," she said, "when he was alive!

Most of the very few people who would choose a good heart over riches would eventually use that to either make a lot of money, or attract men or women who are rich.

Life is not always fair. Sometimes you get a splinter sliding down a rainbow.

Then she laughed for real, and put her hands around my neck. 'I am never, ever going to make things easy for you Seaweed Brain. Get used to it.' When she kissed me, I had the feeling my brain was melting right through my body. I could've stayed that way forever, except a voice behind us growled, 'Well it's about time!' Suddenly the pavilion was filled with torchlight and campers. Clarisse led the way as the eavesdroppers charged and hoisted us both onto their shoulders. 'Oh, come on!' I complained. 'Is there no privacy?' 'The lovebirds need to cool off!' Clarisse said with glee. 'The canoe lake!' Conner Stoll shouted. With a huge cheer, they carried us down the hill, but they kept us close enough to hold hands. Annabeth was laughing, and I couldn't help laughing too, even though my face was completely red. We held hands right up to the moment they dumped us in the water.

Idiocy in the modern age isn't an all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation for most people. It's a condition that everybody slips into many times a day. Life is just too complicated to be smart all the time.

Oh, good. Okay, I'd like to get more sleep before I have to figure out how we find a Sith Lord in Washington.

Ponder now by thyself, how great fruit of wickedness the grain of evil seed had brought forth. And when the ears shall be cut down, which are without number, how great a floor shall they fill?