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If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted I beg his pardon.
Johannes Brahms
A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you mad if it happened to you.
Anonymous
Some people speak from experience while others from experience don't speak.
Anonymous
Nouvelle cuisine roughly translated means "I can't believe I spent ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."
Mike Kalin
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
Bob Hope
If Noah found himself back on Earth you can bet all he would recognize would be the jokes.
Anonymous
Ladies and gentlemen you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
Jackie Mason
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.
George Miller
Remember if God had wanted this to be perfect he never would have had me up here.
Anonymous
Don't worry if your "you" is small and your rewards are few: Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you.
Anonymous
I thank you for not snoring.
Marlon Brando
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another man's resemblance to ourselves.
Ambrose Bierce
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