Quotes by Humorists - Page 6

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man - the biography of the man himself cannot be written.

Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

Evolution is a blind giant who rolls a snowball down a hill. The ball is made of flakes—circumstances. They contribute to the mass without knowing it. They adhere without intention, and without foreseeing what is to result. When they see the result they marvel at the monster ball and wonder how the contriving of it came to be originally thought out and planned. Whereas there was no such planning, there was only a law: the ball once started, all the circumstances that happened to lie in its path would help to build it, in spite of themselves.

There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children.

It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off fr'm th' angels.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Laughter is a tranquilizer without after-effects.

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.

I like life. It's something to do. Somewhere on this globe every 10 seconds there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Come on," he said. "Bring the poker."I brought the tongs as well. I felt like it.

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it it's too far to walk back.

I went to Maui to stay a week and remained five. I never spent so pleasant a month before, or bade any place goodbye so regretfully. I have not once thought of business, or care or human toil or trouble or sorrow or weariness, and the memory of it will remain with me always.

...the existential paradox we all experience; we feel that we are immortal, yet we know that we will die.

At a time when she was engaged to Stilton Cheesewright, I remember recording in the archives that she was tall and willowy with a terrific profile and luxuriant platinum blond-hair, the sort of girl who might, as far as looks were concerned, have been the star unit of the harem of one of the better-class sultans.

Well, everybody does it that way, Huck.""Tom, I am not everybody.