Quotes by Humorists - Page 5

I spent the afternoon musing on Life. If you come to think of it, what a queer thing Life is! So unlike anything else, don't you know, if you see what I mean. At any moment you may be strolling peacefully along, and all the time Life's waiting around the corner to fetch you one. You can't tell when you may be going to get it. It's all dashed puzzling. Here was poor old George, as well-meaning a fellow as every stepped, getting swatted all over the ring by the hand of Fate. Why? That's what I asked myself. Just Life, don't you know. That's all there was about it.

P.G. Wodehouse

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.

David Sedaris

The voice of a donkey braying in the neighbouring meadow seemed like the mocking laughter of demons.

P.G. Wodehouse

Evolution is the law of policies: Darwin said it, Socrates endorsed it, Cuvier proved it and established it for all time in his paper on 'The Survival of the Fittest.' These are illustrious names, this is a mighty doctrine: nothing can ever remove it from its firm base, nothing dissolve it, but evolution.

Mark Twain

There is such a thing as too much couth.

S.J. Perelman

You may have tangible wealth untold. Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold. Richer than I you can never be -I had a mother who read to me

Strickland W. Gillilan

I should never make anything of a fisherman. I had not got sufficient imagination

Jerome K. Jerome

‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence.""Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’

John Zakour

A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less than his share of the credit.

Arnold H. Glasow

The main obligation is to amuse yourself.

S.J. Perelman

Before a marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you`ve said; after marriage, he`ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

Helen Rowland

I learned that it is the weak who are cruel, and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong.

Leo Rosten

Someone once told me that we move when it becomes less painful than staying where we are".

Anne Hines

There are several good protections against temptation but the surest is cowardice.

Mark Twain

The reason is that you eat too many foods that are high in "calories," which are little units that measure how good a particular food tastes. Fudge, for example, has a great many calories, whereas celery, which is not really a food at all but a member of the plywood family, provided by Mother Nature so that mankind would have a way to get onion dip into his mouth at parties, has none.

Dave Barry

I can last two months on a good compliment.

Mark Twain

If man could be crossed with a cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

Mark Twain

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Mark Twain

A bore is a man who spends so much time talking about himself that you can't talk about yourself.

Melville Landon

To be satisfied with what one has that is wealth. As long as one sorely needs a certain additional amount that man isn't rich.

Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

Mark Twain

From his cradle to the grave a man never does a single thing which has any first and foremost object save one-to secure peace of mind spiritual comfort for himself.

Mark Twain

If stupidity got us into this, why can't stupidity get us out?

Will Rogers

It is discouraging to try to penetrate a mind like yours. You ought to get it out and dance on it. That would take some of the rigidity out of it.

Mark Twain

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.

Sam Levenson

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

Josh Billings

When I am alone in the forest at night-time and jump from one tree to another, I often think that life is so strange.

George Mikes

Dinner was served on mismatched plates with paper napkins and silverware that looked like it had been stolen from a school cafeteria. The spaghetti was from a box that was still poking out of the garbage pail, the sauce from a jar that was sitting beside the sink. I got the definite impression that he chose to make dinner because he couldn't afford to take me out.

Arlene Schindler

I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.

David Sedaris

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

Mark Twain

I suppose half the time Shakespeare just shoved down anything that came into his head.

P.G. Wodehouse

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Erma Bombeck

Every author really wants to have letters printed in the paper. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a rung of the ladder and writes novels.

P.G. Wodehouse

Nature has no originality--I mean, no large ability in the matter of inventing new things, new ideas, new stage effects. She has a superb and amazing and infinitely varied equipment of old ones, but she never adds to them. She repeats--repeats--repeats--repeats. Examine your memory and your experience; you will find it is true.

Mark Twain

Obscurity and a competence—that is the life that is best worth living.

Mark Twain

Memories which someday will become all beautiful when the last annoyance that encumbers them shall have faded out of our minds.

Mark Twain

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

Erma Bombeck

And so the merry party began. It was one of those jolly, happy, bread-crumbling parties where you cough twice before you speak, and then decide not to say it after all.

P.G. Wodehouse

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt and children.

Mark Twain

Oh, is that my report, father?' said Mike, with a sort of sickly interest, much as a dog about to be washed might evince in his

P.G. Wodehouse

Oratory: the art of making deep noises from the chest sound like important messages from the brain.

H. I. Phillips

Heaven goes by favor if it went by merit you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Mark Twain

Some folks can look so busy doing nothin' that they seem indispensable.

Kin Hubbard

There are two kinds of patriotism -- monarchical patriotism and republican patriotism. In the one case the government and the king may rightfully furnish you their notions of patriotism; in the other, neither the government nor the entire nation is privileged to dictate to any individual what the form of his patriotism shall be. The gospel of the monarchical patriotism is: "The King can do no wrong." We have adopted it with all its servility, with an unimportant change in the wording: "Our country, right or wrong!" We have thrown away the most valuable asset we had:-- the individual's right to oppose both flag and country when he (just he, by himself) believed them to be in the wrong. We have thrown it away; and with it all that was really respectable about that grotesque and laughable word, Patriotism.

Mark Twain

Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.

Mark Twain

When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum.

Mark Twain

What a good thing Adam had - when he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

Mark Twain

Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Bright and yellow hard and cold

Thomas Hood

The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word 'pen' had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready-- so who was she to advise me on anything?

David Sedaris

the squeeky wheel gets the grease.

Josh Billings

There must be something ghostly in the air of Christmas — something about the close, muggy atmosphere that draws up the ghosts, like the dampness of the summer rains brings out the frogs and snails.

Jerome K. Jerome

As a matter of fact, Ona spent more credits on the window shades alone than you will make in your entire lifetime and that’s if you live to be 185.”“And that’s meant to make me feel better?” I said.“No, that is meant to inform you. I am your computer not your nanny.

John Zakour

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Dave Barry

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

Mark Twain

A few fly bites cannot stop a spirited horse.

Mark Twain

One ought always to lie, when one can do good by it;

Mark Twain

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

Mark Twain

Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.

Dave Barry

Now, then, that is the tale. Some of it is true.

Mark Twain

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