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Quotes by Humorists - Page 4

It bothered me that the bag bothered me more than head did, but what are you going to do? A person doesn't conciously choose what he focuses on. Those things choose you, and, once they do, nothing, it seems, can shake them.
David Sedaris Quotes
Nothing exists; all is a dream. God—man—the world—the sun, the moon, the wilderness of stars—a dream, all a dream; they have no existence. Nothing exists save empty space—and you!
Mark Twain Quotes
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain Quotes
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Erma Bombeck Quotes
Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.
Arnold H. Glasow Quotes
That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do.
Mark Twain Quotes
A writer writes not because he is educated but because he is driven by the need to communicate. Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood.
Leo Rosten Quotes
A public library is the most enduring of memorials, the trustiest monument for the preservation of an event or a name or an affection; for it, and it only, is respected by wars and revolutions, and survives
Mark Twain Quotes
Then a beat-up car lurched into sight towing an even more beat-up car. As the cars came near, I saw that they were connected back to front by a loop made of two seat belts buckled to each other. That was the only time I ever saw a Russian use a seat belt for any purpose at all.
Ian Frazier Quotes
I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty.
Mark Twain Quotes
Behold the day-break!I awaken you by sitting on your chest and purring in your face,I stir you with muscular paw-prods, I rouse you with toe-
Henry N. Beard Quotes
Would it not be downright cruel to keep him in semi-captivity in a town or city, where the opportunities for wreaking havoc and destruction upon the landscape are necessarily so limited? In a word, is it right to attract Wombats?
Will Cuppy Quotes
Whales are silly once every two years. The young are called short-heads or baby blimps. Many whale romances begin in Baffin's bay and end in Procter and Gamble's factory, Staten Island.
Will Cuppy Quotes
One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.
Josh Billings Quotes
I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
Mark Twain Quotes
It's astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex - trying to determine what goes where and how often. They can't imagine any system outside their own, and seem obsessed with the idea of roles, both in bed and out of it. Who calls whom a bitch? Who cries harder when the cat dies? Which one spends the most time in the bathroom? I guess they think that it's that cut-and-dried, though of course it's not. Hugh might do the cooking, and actually wear an apron while he's at it, but he also chops the firewood, repairs the hot-water heater, and could tear off my arm with no more effort than it takes to uproot a dandelion.
David Sedaris Quotes
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.
Mark Twain Quotes
Nick got home the first week in December, to find New York still wallowing in its post-Armistice euphoria. Service men were celebrities wherever they went, and nothing was too good for them-especially the ones who were wounded-until it came down to such practical matters as finding housing or a job...It too him awhile to come to the conclusion that all the talk about help for veterans was just that, and anything that was done for him would have to be done by himself.
Nathaniel Benchley Quotes
All to myself I think of you Think of the things we used to do Think of the things we used to say Think of each happy bygone day Sometimes I sigh and sometimes I smile But I keep each olden golden while All to myself.
Wilbur D. Nesbit Quotes
It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all that was required.
P.G. Wodehouse Quotes
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Dave Barry Quotes
An author is a person who can never take innocent pleasure in visiting a bookstore again. Say you go in and discover that there are no copies of your book on the shelves. You resent all the other books - I don't care if they are Great Expectations, Life on the Mississippi and the King James Bible that are on the shelves.
Roy Blount Jr. Quotes
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
Mark Twain Quotes
A hypocritical businessman, whose fortune had been the misfortune of many others, told Mark Twain piously, “Before I die I intend to make a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. I want to climb to the top of Mount Sinai and read the Ten Commandments aloud.” “I have a better idea,” suggested Twain. “Why don’t you stay right at home in Boston and keep them?
Mark Twain Quotes
If a cat sits on a hot stove, that cat won't sit on a hot stove again. That cat won't sit on a cold stove either. That cat just don't like stoves.
Mark Twain Quotes
One of the poets, whose name I cannot recall, has a passage, which I am unable at the moment to remember, in one of his works, which for the time being has slipped my mind, which hits off admirably this age-old situation.
P.G. Wodehouse Quotes
My advice to those who are about to begin in earnest the journey of life is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.
Josh Billings Quotes
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry Quotes
I believe that the ability to laugh at oneself is fundamental to the resiliency of the human spirit.
Jill Conner Browne Quotes
Put all thine eggs in one basket and - watch that basket.
Mark Twain Quotes
Back when I was a devout Pharisee, I scowled at those who talked about grace, assuming they wanted both salvation and permission to do whatever they pleased. And when I came to discover grace as a biblical concept, it frightened me at first. The old idea of being saved by works has its benefits. It's a system where God owes you. You've been helping him out with all your good deeds. He can't very well put you through difficulty, since you're a taxpayer. You've paid your dues, you have your rights. But the beyond-belief teaching of grace is that we get what we can never pay for and more, including joy and hope and the desire to please him. I like living by God's grace a lot better than relying on my own efforts.
Phil Callaway Quotes
I lost Susy thirteen years ago; I lost her mother--her incomparable mother!--five and a half years ago; Clara has gone away to live in Europe and now I have lost Jean. How poor I am, who was once so rich! . . . Jean lies yonder, I sit here; we are strangers under our own roof; we kissed hands good-by at this door last night--and it was forever, we never suspecting it. She lies there, and I sit here--writing, busying myself, to keep my heart from breaking. How dazzling the sunshine is flooding the hills around! It is like a mockery. Seventy-four years ago twenty-four days. Seventy-four years old yesterday. Who can estimate my age today?
Mark Twain Quotes
More men have been elected between Sundown and Sunup than ever were elected between Sunup and Sundown.
Will Rogers Quotes
If you don't want me to attend the patient I'll go.''But she can't see a doctor now.''Why not?''She isn't well.
P.G. Wodehouse Quotes
I can tell you that she's not breathing,” he said. “She has no heartbeat and all organ function and brain activity have stopped. Also her body temperature is now at seventy-three degrees.”“So you’re saying that she’s dead,” I said.“Well, I can't prove it, but, yes, I am leaning that way.
John Zakour Quotes
I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
Leo Rosten Quotes
Don't mistake pleasures for happiness. They are a different breed of dog.
Josh Billings Quotes
Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist - it reduces him to his fighting weight.
Josh Billings Quotes
What George was thinking was that the late king Herod had been unjustly blamed for a policy which had been both statesmanlike and in the interests of the public. He was blaming the mawkish sentimentality of the modern legal system which ranks the evisceration and secret burial of small boys as a crime.
P.G. Wodehouse Quotes
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
Dave Barry Quotes
Oh, I'm not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example.
Dave Barry Quotes
I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the front door; and all that was left of the mobscene was the head of a whacking big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere sort of way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology.
P.G. Wodehouse Quotes
NOTICEPersons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.BY ORDER OF THE AUTHORPer G.G.,Chief of Ordnance
Mark Twain Quotes
Most people like hard work particularly when they're paying for it.
Franklin P. Jones Quotes
Never lend your car to someone you've given birth to.
Erma Bombeck Quotes
It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble it's what we know that ain't so.
Will Rogers Quotes
The common eye sees only the outside of things, and judges by that, but the seeing eye pierces through and reads the heart and the soul.
Mark Twain Quotes
Her magic formula for dealing with children is ignoring all faults and accenting tiny virtues. She says, "Instead of telling Tommy day in and day out that he is the naughtiest boy in the United States of America, which could very well be true, take an aspirin and comment on his neatly tied shoes. Almost anybody would rather be known for expert shoe-tying than for kicking the cat." She always tells whiners how charming they are--bullies how brave--bad sports how good--sneaks how honest!
Betty MacDonald Quotes
I am a Christian because of God's grace. I find it in no other faith system. The Christian gospel is rather simple. I love the way Tim Keller puts it: "I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me." The result is that I neither swagger nor snivel; I live with thanksgiving, overwhelmed and overjoyed by grace. This path seems to lead us to a place of needing to be noticed less often, and being less concerned with how we're thought of.
Phil Callaway Quotes
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
Mark Twain Quotes
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
Mark Twain Quotes
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
Mark Twain Quotes
Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to speak French.
P.G. Wodehouse Quotes
Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?
Calvin Trillin Quotes
If stupidity got us in this mess, how come it can't get us out.
Will Rogers Quotes
Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up some times, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfucking Rooster. You know what I'm saying?
David Sedaris Quotes
I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.
Jerome K. Jerome Quotes
It don't make no difference whether you do right or wrong, a person's conscience ain't got no sense, and just goes for him anyway.
Mark Twain Quotes
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
P.G. Wodehouse Quotes
A mighty porterhouse steak an inch and a half thick, hot and sputtering from the griddle; dusted with fragrant pepper; enriched with little melting bits of butter of the most impeachable freshness and genuineness; the precious juices of the meat trickling out and joining the gravy, archipelagoed with mushrooms; a township or two of tender, yellowish fat gracing an out-lying district of this ample county of beefsteak; the long white bone which divides the sirloin from the tenderloin still in its place.
Mark Twain Quotes
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