Comedy Quotes

The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it.

You’re one tough egg to crack. You know that? You’re like a Kinder egg wrapped inside a mystery wrapped inside an enigma.

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

Life is difficult and those who make us laugh are angels.

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people’s minds, exposing them to the light.

You are gonna get it now sweetheart," he grunted, seizing her nipples and massaging them roughly."Aw, what are you gonna do Max? Blow a load and get all sad about it afterwards?

Everyone says it's wrong, 'drinking and driving', don't they. I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than 'drinking and driving': 1. 'drinking'; 2. 'driving'.Do you know how many people were killed last year in Britain as a direct result of alcohol abuse?--thirty-five-thousand!Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of driving a car?--twenty-two-thousand!Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of drinking _and_ driving?--five-hundred! ::pauses::I'm not taking any fuckin' chances!::swigs his beer::

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

Dresses won't worn out in the wardrobe, but that is not what dresses are designed for.

Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that “women aren't funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.

The coding was anachronistic, kind of like bokeh in a renaissance painting.

Etiquette tip: If you're looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, "No one leaves here alive," that's your cue.

She looks me dead in the face and says, “The safe word is going to be ‘immigration,’ because you know I’ll stop it.

What are you doing?” Nine Eleven asked, noticing Seth trying to look around him. He followed Seth's gaze. “Oh.”He turned back around and handed Seth a wry smile. “So what are you going to do about her, Seth? Create a love spell that will bend her to your will and make her your sex slave?”“Is that how you get dates?” Seth asked.

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.

Nothing kills a party like an oversize metal hedgehog.

...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.

Aren't you something," Grandma said. "I never saw a midget up close." "Little person," Briggs said. "And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.

He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.

A smaller rocket cut across the sky, trailing smoke. It exploded in a red heart."Awwwww!" said the crowd."Upside down," said Sean.The heart was, indeed, upside down. It grew and grew, upside down, until it's lights trailed and faded.A bigger rocket exploded in bright golden sparks, and then came another red heart."Upside down," said all the boys.Three explosions layered on top of one another, gold, blue, pink. Then still another red heart exploded, growing and growing before it faded."Upside down," said everyone in the boat but me.My own heart expanded for Adam.I whispered, "I know what he meant.

The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked — but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note on the window that read:Dear Scumbag Thieves,If you go to the trouble of tossing my car, you could at least steal a lousy pair of sunglasses.The next day I discovered a gift card lying on the driver’s seat with this message:Here’s $500. It’s the best we can do until the holidays.P.S. Get some decent tires, why don’t you. We couldn’t sell these desperate maypops if we did steal them.

Eventually, you're gonna have to let someone in.

It was too early in the morning for this fuckery.

A Wasn’t just isn't. He just isn't present. But you… You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant!

Nihilism is a subject for comedy.

Why is it that drama always starts late? Whereas comedy always seems to have started already.

Percy, you are dismissed from my service.""Me? Why, my lord?""Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed." "Oh, I see." "And as for you, Baldrick..." "Yes." "You're out, too.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it

If she did bitch-slap me, I'd bitch-slap her right back, but I resented the word bitch and all its familiar forms, as it was degrading to women and dogs everywhere.

Comedy is not the opposite of darkness, but its natural bedfellow. Pain makes laughter necessary; laughter makes pain tolerable.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

Any game plan? (Xypher)Don't die. (Sin)I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me. (Xypher)

I wouldn’t be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.

I didn't wait for Luck. I raced after it with a truck.

It’s not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

The people who are scared of ghosts are the ones who discuss most about them.

No small part of the club's audience consisted of would-be comics, as well as the leading comics of the day. In fact, there were so many gagsters around that it was difficult to know who was part of the act and who was just sitting in.

here’s why I take comedies seriously: they present and celebrate the world in which we survive our own and others’ mistakes, follies, transgressions, and deep sins. However lightly, dimly, or bleakly, comedies revel in our survival—in the delaying of death and the staying of the curse. Comedies tell the story of ruined folk somehow avoiding ruin.

They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

Morning, Bill,' said Lord Tidmouth agreeably.'Go to hell!' said Bill.'Right-ho,' said his lordship.

There is no greater power than that of a laugh and happiness is a force which can save a person from the horrors of the world.

When people get into their 30s plus "boyfriend" sounds weird...if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term "manfriend" or "snookie bookie cuddles pie".

Myrtle Mae, you have a lot to learn, and I hope you never learn it.

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

Dresses don't look beautiful on hangers.

We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell.

I don't believe in virgin sacrifice. It encourages promiscuity at an early age

Theater owners dodged construction costs, cutting corners and employing nonunion labor. Shoddy methods caused the death of vaudeville comedian Rube Dickinson in Kansas City. Booked at a brand-new venue, Dickinson stepped outside to have a smoke and was standing underneath the large wooden marquee advertising him when it collapsed. As the marquee caved, so too did his head—killed under the weight of his own name.

On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year’s Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.

A life without trouble and tragedy is boring and not a plot for comedy.

Taking his hand I said "Fank woo.""Hm " he laughed with his mouth closed.

I should think a dead language would be rather boring, sociallyspeaking.

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.

People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound.

You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole.

Come here, let me share a bit of wisdom with you.Have you given much thought to our mortal condition?Probably not. Why would you? Well, listen.There's no one alivewho can say if he will be tomorrow.Our fate moves invisibly! A mystery.No one can teach it, no one can grasp it.Accept this! Cheer up! Have a drink!You can let the rest go. Am I making sense?I think so. How about a drink.Put on a garland. I'm surethe happy splash of wine will cure your mood.We're all mortal you know. Think mortal.Because my theory is, there's no such thing as life,