Comedy Quotes - Page 3

The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had already gone to Brian Burdock, a French Algerian with a penchant for Longchamp.

And then to Leo’s surprise, Catherine smiled at him. A sweet, natural, brilliant smile, the first she had ever given him. Leo felt his chest tighten, and he went hot all over, as if some euphoric drug had gone straight to his nervous system.It felt like … happiness.He remembered happiness from a long time ago. He didn’t want to feel it. And yet the giddy warmth kept washing over him for no reason whatsoever.“Thank you,” Catherine said, the smile still hovering on her lips. “That is kind of you, my lord. But I will never dance with you.”Which, of course, made it the goal of Leo’s life.

Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.

Nobody touches my ding dongs!

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

Jasper set an intercepting course towards that Rhylonian Star Duster. Maybe we can catch them on their blind side.”“Doesn’t this ship have a cloak?” Jaq asks.“Miss Synergy, I don’t know what they teach now a’days at the Academy, but ships do not wear clothes.

Because I'm on the phone, Mom!""Fooling around with your friends again! Who is that?""Ahmadinejad.""Oh, my goodness! What is he saying?""That he wants to see Jeezy at the Beacon tonight. Putin's going too. He scalped a ticket from Kim Jong Il. All tha gangstas are going.""Don't be so fresh, young man!""Gotta go," he says to me. "Enemy forces have dropped a Momshell.""Fall back, solider. Over and out.

Son," he said, "you monkeyed up.

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He shook his head. "The next time I hear a women going on about how neurotic men are, I'm going to remember this. You tell me you like my body, and what do I say? I say, thank you. Then I tell you I like yours and what do I hear? A long lists of grievances.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.

Sure we could replace war with paintball battles. But it would escalate to paint grenades, paint bombs, weapons of mass paint. I don’t want to live in a world where my kids have to worry about what color they will be in the morning.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

Astrophil and Stella," he said, taking my hand. "The name 'Astrophil' is derived from two Greek words that, when combined, mean 'star-lover.'""So, what does that mean?"Oliver tilted his head and looked up at the sky. "That Stella is the star of his life.

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

Oh, I forgot to tell you the rest of it—he’s a widower now, so they can ride off together into the sunset, their wedding rings glinting.

You gonna do somethin'? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed?

People keep making excuses, that’s why everthing happens for a reason.

I sat down on the sofa, surrounded by years of coffee rings and sandwich stains. If the police ever did a DNA test on this sofa, it would be ninety per cent disappointment.

Look, kid,” he said, “you don’t spend a lifetime in comedy without learning a thing or two about evil.

Are you all right?” he asked Olivia. His heart was still racing with terror that she’d been hurt. “I heard a woman scream.”“Ah, that would have been me,” Sebastian said.Harry looked down on his cousin, face frozen in disbelief. “You made that noise?”“It hurt,” Sebastian bit off.Harry fought not to laugh. “You scream like a leettle girl.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

If you don't want me to attend the patient I'll go.''But she can't see a doctor now.''Why not?''She isn't well.

Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark

It was the first time her eyes had really met mine and to be honest I think there was more warmth between the lamb chops in the freezer." Daniel meeting Felicity in Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point.

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If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten

Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial investment.

The Dispatcher had played with his phones, calling from one to the other. Then he put them all down and announced that he had them on "hold," a curious expression since it was the first time in half an hour he hadn't been holding one.

[T]he definition of 'crazy' in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.

In summers, after 1 hour of extreme gaming you can use your laptop to iron your shirt.

An enthusiastic person who is very logical with his or her own thinking process, he or she can eventually express his or her thought with delight and humor to educate and entertain his or her audiences.

Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.

No one will laugh at how great things are for somebody.

I am a playwright who does not write comedies, or tragedies.

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something.

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

Debbie Downer" was one of the few sketches where I broke, and I remember watching Heratio Sanz laugh so hard that tears squirted out of his eyes. I still believe that sketch may be a cure for low-level depression if watched regularly.

Better you than Cameron " McGillicuddy grumbled. "I know where Cameron's been." Sean snorted. Cameron said "I already told you I did NOT come on to Lori.

I lost my mind. I lunged at him and inhaled all of his fries standing up a foot away from the trash can. No food is as delicious as food you eat standing a foot away from a trash can. Ask any possum.

Velva’s face glowed in the streetlight. “Sir Sun, don’t you see? I am your violent violet. And you are mine.

People say memories are there to be cherished. I believe memories are there to be created, and if you do something worthwhile today, you will stop living in the past

Laughter is the best medicine

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.

She points to where he went and looks to the neutral Baumen. “He—he did that to me on purpose! He’s insane. Literally, insane!”The munchkin just shrugs. “Welcome aboard!” and returns unconcerned to his work.

I'm so out of shape I take steroids just to watch sports.

In a simple street you can find the whole world: You can find joy and sorrow; you can find good and evil, silence and noise; you can find all the comedies and all the tragedies! An ordinary simple street is the mirror of the whole world!

I put a chameleon on a red dildo... He blushed

How easily such a thing can become a mania, how the most normal and sensible of women once this passion to be thin is upon them, can lose completely their sense of balance and proportion and spend years dealing with this madness.

Agres look!” Tria pointed Agres looked around “Very clever....” cheeky bastard Tria and Agres now found themselves back on a mountain top oh on not again

Human life is an incongruous combination of tragedy and comedy.

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

Now, listen Tyler,' Lara said, feeling a little impatient. She rather liked a cuddle after sex, and a bit of kissing. But a guilt trip was absolutely unacceptable, even if they were lying naked on someone else's kitchen table.

Being less discriminative shouldn't mean protecting nasty people, then discriminating against the innocent

If I could go back and say one thing to my younger self it would be: YOU ARE NOT FAT.

I am going to kill you," he hissed.She gulped. "Don't you want to lecture me first?"He stared at her with a heavy dose of stupefaction."I take that back," he said with precisely clippedwords. "First I am going to strangle you, and then I am going to kill you.""Here?" she asked doubtfully, looking around. "Won't my dead body look suspicious in the morning?

Peter and Jessie were like Romeo and Juliet. Have you ever seen that old movie? Starring Leonardo Dicaprio?

Of all funny things, truth is the funniest.