Humorous Quotes - Page 2

...life's about accumulating wrinkles, deep as rivers and as wide as is needed to travel along their path, so that by the time you're ready to die, your life can be read.

Probably your biggest mistake was doing funk-dance to Unchained Melody,” the dog offered earnestly. “It’s a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it’s one of the slowest songs I can think of. You’d have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor may have been the large amount of beer you consumed beforehand.

Assisted him? Dylan made the repairs. I only fell and hit my head, from what I can recall. Yes, I make excellent deadweight.

A shame. As promising as a sky full'a rainbows but as useful as a bag'a dirt.

It's easy to have high morals when you'd be safe naked in the middle of San Quentin Prison.

He pulled out a dagger from ... she wasn't sure where. Did he have that in his loin cloth? What else does he have in there? (Amy's thoughts, The Witching Pen)

I’m twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I’m the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all.

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

Do you recall telling Dr. Phillips during your appointment on February second of last year that you needed to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases because—let me make sure I get this correct here . . .” Taylor read out loud from her file, “Because, quote, ‘your weasel-dick husband slept with a skanky whore stripper and the cheating bastard didn’t use a rubber’?” Ms. Campbell shot up in her chair. “She actually wrote that down?” The jury tittered with amused laughter and sat up interestedly. Finally—things were starting to look a little more like Law & Order around here. “I take it that’s a yes?” Taylor asked.

Do not open that door until I'm in my room. I may be old and losing my hair, but I still want to look nice for a handsome man.

Among the top ten things I've learned in life: when your hair stylist is having a bad day, reschedule.

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.

There exist no new mistakes anywhere. The same mistakes people committed are the same mistakes people are committing and the same mistakes shall people commit

Love is the reflection of a broken heart in a shattered mirror...

Greed is a contagious mental illness without which civilization as we know it would not have been possible.

When life gives you lemons, find a friend whose life has given them tequila and have a party.

If you think I'm overdramatic, just remember that Candy Crush calls itself a saga.

I wanted to write in Kitchenese, the secret language of cooks, instantly recognizable to anyone who has ever dunked french fries for a summer job or suffered under the despotic rule of a tyrannical chef or boobish owner.

Every person has his secret; in reverie, unbeknown to others, he finds peace, freedom, sorrow and love.

A rainy day is a good day to be in bed with a good book - or with someone who has read one."T.K. Lukas

Its not your fault for not being there.Its my fault for thinking you would be

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

You’ve got to give the door something?’‘Yes,’ said Dumbledore. ‘Blood, if I am not much mistak

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

My toes are a total wreck, my fingernails worse, and god knows my hair could use a registered nurse.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Ski-ing" The act of visiting Polish people.

Simon stepped forward and clapped him on the shoulder. "Nothing better than making a maid happy, is there?""Aye, there most assuredly is." Simon cocked a puzzled brow."Skewering my meddlesome brother would definitely be better."Simon laughed. "Then I'd best go pack so that I won't be directly in your sight for the next few minutes.""You do that, Simon, and while you're at it, make sure to find your common sense and bring it along as well.

Shut your gob, You tell me nothing in my kennel. Here, I am Queen Bitch, and you will muzzle yourself. Kebibi Ahuda to prisoner

The only unreachable dream is the one you don’t reach for.

There was an edge to his expression, like he didn't trust anyone who was more attractive than he was.

One of my favorite quotes is:"... If I strike you it ain't going to be in your fancy.

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends. Love means nothing in tennis,But it's everything in life

A muffin what? Are you asking me to eat you or something?

Life is a process during which one initially gets less and less dependent, independent, and then more and more dependent.

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but … what?

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

There's a story behind every "I don't believe in love""Period

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

He had had a severe shock some weeks earlier, when, having narrowly failed to capture a large grey-brown hare for his dinner, it had stopped at the edge of the forest, looked at him with disdain, and said, 'Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, that's all,' and had scampered off into the long grass

A “good friend” was well…. Like your teeth.You had a limited number of them to last you an entire lifetime.You could survive without them, but having them made life much more enjoyable.If you didn’t take good care of them, you could lose them forever.

Smiling is not a choice It’s a Lifestyle Pass it on

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

I don’t really believe in aliens. I like to think of them as planet challenged.

What level of personal are we talking about?" she mumbled. "I don't mind discussing my periods in graphic detail, but I'm probably going to stay quiet about the jar of fingernail clippings I carry with me at all times.

Learn more and Know more.

A cult? Jesus Christ. No wonder Anita is worried about her children. They’re like turkeys—they might drown themselves in the rain if you don’t watch ’em close enough.

I screamed, Go to hell! in the car, and the GPS took me to my mother-in-law's house.

While the man is putting on it's shoes, the woman can buy dozens of high heels.

A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water.

Do not argue with a spuse who is packing your parachute.

Among wilderness survival tips, punching a wild animal in the face probably isn’t on a checklist.

This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- two of them -- on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals... I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants".

Percival pinched his lips, sending his laugh to his eyes.

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

The evidence suggests that you would be more likely to select the tempting chocolate cake when your mind is loaded with digits. System 1 has more influence on behavoir when System 2 is busy, and it has a sweet tooth.

God has given you the same brain, so use your own in stead of borrowing ideas from somebody else. Think about and fathom the ideas before following them.

Unicorns aren't magical and beautiful. They're just predatory horses that have horns and love to eat virgins.

There are times when I am so unlike myself that I might be taken for someone else of an entirely opposite character.

I measure my days by the number of homicidal thoughts I have. I only had two today. So it must have been good.