Humorous Quotes - Page 3

Passion + Vision +Skill + Mentoring = Success.

You know what you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing. He's already been told twice."Darryl the cop

Life is about the moments you create, that you can keep it with you FOREVER. After everything is over,That is what we have or what we are left with.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." ~ Jane Austin. Arguably one of the best opening lines in literary history (I said ARGUABLY doesn't mean I want to argue). However, to make it a modern retelling it would have to read: It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man or women in possession of a good fortune, just treading water or so broke it aint no joke, must be in want of a life partner.

I leave her to chemically combust and find Wren in the student council office, filling out extremely interesting paperwork. He’s buried behind piles of the stuff. I can barely see tufts of his blonde hair poking out. I reach into the paperwork pile and shove the two halves aside. Hundreds of them fall off the desk and to the floor. Papers drift through the air like snowflakes. Fat, boring-ass snowflakes. Wren looks up, face slack with shock. “Whatcha doing?” I ask. “Dividing up funding for the other clubs,” He whispers, clearly distraught. A paper plops onto his head and slides off dejectedly. I’m respectful for three seconds. “So anyway, I had this nightmare in which Jack was sexy and Kayla died.

If someone lied to you, and you positively know this is true, you may find delight in telling them they are the most honest person you know; continue flattering them, giving them the most wonderful compliments, including how you're so thankful to have such an honest person in such a deceptive world. But, then again, this may very well make you a liar too.

In all of the possible scenarios Kian had envisioned, encountering a lunatic had not been one of them. It just showed him that he could never be completely prepared.

Sex with a married woman ten years his senior was stress free and fulfilling, because it couldn't lead to anything

Millions of business people are each constantly forced to choose between their desire to not be a bad person and their desire to be a good business person, that is to say, to make as much money as they possibly can by maximizing their revenue while minimizing the cost of producing whatever it is that they sell.

...I’m insane, Jorie thought. She saw herself lying in a hospital bed, her wallet and valuables gone. When asked why she got into a car with a woman she didn’t know, her reply would land her in the psych ward. Well, you see, I have this fantasy lover because, frankly, they’re so much easier to deal with. She never makes a mess, loves my demonic cat, always says the right thing at the right time. I saw this woman, and she was my dream come to life, so I just had to get into the car with her because I’m an idiot...

In some cases, you can tell how somebody is being treated by their own boss from the way they are treating someone to whom they are a boss.

Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.

Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of 'Stagefright Sympathy Sickness'.

At the best of times, Father Bain's face resembled a clenched fist.

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

How initially 'to get her in the sack' and subsequently to avoid 'her giving you the sack' are not identical dilemmas faced by the male species, but they sure have a bizarre habit of being bedfellows

When men cry, real men, we cry Man Tears. Those are tears made up of actual meat. We basically cry pork chops and steaks. Imagine a steak tearing its way out of your eye. It hurts like hell, which causes more tears. It's a vicious cycle

So I’m reading some poem by Louise . . . something, I forget her last name, but it’s about Hades and the underworld, and I don’t even notice that Paige has come up to my table until she says, ‘Doesn’t everyone want love?’ And I’m thinking, wow, that’s a pretty deep question, but then again Paige is really smart, and this is my chance to finally show her that I’m not just a dumb jock. So I say, ‘I heard this theory once that love means your subconscious is attracted to someone else’s subconscious.’”“Very deep,” Cade said.“Exactly. And I’m feeling proud of myself for that one, until she points to the book and says, ‘Oh, that wasn’t a question. I was just quoting a line from the poem.

Why do I write? Because I like telling stories and I don't like repeating myself (insert chuckle here).

I know I really shouldn't be complaining right now,

despair all ye mortals,” he said in a voice of doom. “the mama approacheth

I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big."His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.""What?"The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed.

Men weigh love with hands.

If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.

Your own shortcomings are the best ground to grow your sense of humor.

People of understanding, pursue peace.

Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.

I’m a dot in the grand scheme of things. I don’t matter, not even to the other dots.

You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

When you employ HUMOR, you create a friendly, relaxed buying atmosphere.

Wilbur looked at the list glumly. "Are you sure you need all this stuff?""Yep.""The ax?""The ax is critical.""The c

Kind of a bummer, getting your butt kicked by a dead guy.

There is nothing more stimulating to the senses than that of a female body freshly emerged from a steaming hot shower, bathed in oils and feminine scents... well nothing except maybe a freshly opened package of chocolate double-stuffed Oreos.

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay.

It's not what I'd want for at my funeral. When I die, I just want them to plant me somewhere warm. And then when the pretty women walk over my grave I would grab their ankles, like in that movie.

Wisdom of the Ages "The Marshawn" US Army's new main battle tank. Runs over enemies instead of shooting them. Biggest expense: maintaining the dreadlocks hanging off the turret.

Just like how most if not all poor boys look up to and aspire to someday be rich men, most if not all underdeveloped and developing countries look up to and aspire to someday be developed countries.

Start wherever you are! Low hanging fruit really tastes as good as the high stuff.

Self-observation is simply the observation of an internal state and an external event. It is pure awareness, which gives one the ability to choose one's actions. Only by having the choice can one perform what is right.

How passionate have you embrace life?

You know, in some cultures, when you save someone's life, you're then responsible for it."Allison thought about telling him she'd seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered her own bit of nonsense. "In some cultures, saving a life is considered an interference with fate and is punishable by death.

The fact that you have just buried your parent or parents and/or sibling or siblings does not make you less likely to die today.

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.

It was the ship of dreams to everyone else.

Life is about the moments you create,that you can keep with you forever.After everything is over,That is what we have or what we are left with.

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.

Positiveness is not a god gift. Things are negative when you realize that frog inside you is not able to jump high.

If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!

The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very “there.” The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale.

He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly."The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?""Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face.

The only difference between success and failure is Lack of Vision

If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.

Pray GOD by HEART, Not by HABIT.

Riding in a carriage without an escort is modern. But traveling out and about unescorted is unheard of.

Family, can’t live with them, can’t orbitally bombard them back to the foul, oozing proto-plasma they crawled out of, I thought grimly.