Humorous Quotes - Page 4

Jersey cows,” Eva explained after Jac complimented the luxurious taste. “The butter and cream here are better than anywhere in the world.”“Not that we’re prejudiced,” Theo teased.

Well?" said Loki. "What about you, Heimdall? Do you have any suggestions?""I do," said Heimdall. "But you won't like it."Thor banged his fist down upon the table. "It does not matter whether or not we like it," he said. "We are gods! There is nothing that any of us gathered here would not do to get back Mjollnir, the hammer of the gods. Tell us your idea, and if it is a good idea, we will like it.""You won't like it," said Heimdall."We will like it!" said Thor."Well," said Heimdall, "I think we should dress Thor as a bride. Have him put on the necklace of the Brisings. Have him wear a bridal crown. Stuff his dress so he looks like a woman. Veil his face. We'll have him wear keys that jingle, as women do, drape him with jewels -""I don't like it!" said Thor. "People will think... well, for a start they'll think I dress up in women's clothes. Absolutely out of the question. I don't like it. I am definitely not going to be wearing a bridal veil. None of us like this idea, do we? Terrible, terrible idea. I've got a beard. I can't shave off my beard.""Shut up, Thor," said Loki son of Laufey. "It's an excellent idea.

Show me a writer that doesn't use their craft as a coping mechanism and I'll show you my unicorn.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

Best timepass for idle person is to find another and gossip, without realising that there are superlative degrees of idle, idler, and idlest.

There were, however, a few exceptions.One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent.

I ran outta tears of sadness when I was 20 & all I got left is tears of joy.

Holy paranormal activity, Nightingale - to the Jag mobile.

We create karma by all kinds of selfish actions.The first thing we must understand is that we are psychologically asleep.It is very difficult for us to be conscious of ourselves. We are not very aware. We must come to recognize that we do not pay attention.

A lie near to truth is always difficult to catch

More often than not, an inspirational or motivational speaker is someone who makes money from telling us that we can do all of the things that we can do … and pretty much all of the things that we cannot do.

And watch your tongue. I happen to be partial to humans - most, anyway. Clowns, not so much. Those evil bastards never stop smiling."Niccolo didn't know what these "clowns" were, but he made a mental not to stay away if he ever encountered one. Sounded unpleasant.

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen, when in an uncharacteristic error of judgement he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?

He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars.

Play and be happy.

It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.

Conjugation of the irregular verb “to design”:I create, You interfere, He gets in the way.We cooperate, You obstruct, They conspire.

... With a slight miscalculated leap cleared to the iron picket fence. Put the fear of God into me, picket fences and balls don't mix.

I strive for perfection - I settle for satisfaction

Wisdom of the Ages "Car Commercials" One of the last times you're ever gonna see that overpriced s-box not stuck in a traffic jam.

What we ought to know we never be taught in the classroom.

For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.

He had a bushy unibrow that could house a family of quail.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

My mom said:‘Don’t put your finger in your brother’s ear! If you want to know how that quarter trick is done, go ask the magician.’ So I tugged on The Great Arturo's pant leg until he finally taught me how. That was my first magic trick! I was five years old.

Why do they call them daytime dramas, anyway? Shouldn't they be bedtime dramas? All anyone ever talks about is getting someone into bed! Plus if you're at home watching, you're probably watching in bed. And if you're like me, after an hour or two of watching all those sexy goings-on you forget the silly story entirely and fall asleep. Just like it's bedtime!

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.

If you constantly make it clear that you are unwilling to budge, don't get upset when no one is around who's willing to give you a push.

I’m sure she didn’t mean what she said. Life’s too short to hold grudges.” “No, you just have to organize your time better,” Elaine said. “I believe in grudges. They help you survive.

They say you can judge a person by their book, but I say they will hide under the covers.

Then perhaps you don’t need it. I think the scar gives you character, even if it does mar those pretty tattoos. Would make for great tavern stories if you didn’t cover it.” tNeferre laughed flatly and stuck her hands in her pockets. “There’s nothing great about getting mugged, Ziro.” tZiro laughed, her deep voice jiggling her second chin. “Oh, aye. But no one said you had to tell the truth now, did they?

I gave Henry a supscription [sic] to the Book of the Month club that tells you the book you have to read every month to make your individuality stand out. And it really is remarkable, because it makes over 50,000 people read the same book every month.

I've learned my lesson. I know nothing.

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind.

A writing day is like any other day. Except I live in my pajamas, I forget to eat, and I suddenly look up, wondering when day turned into night.

Don't fight the system, mock the system

Mad Rogan: "Resistance is futile."Nevada: "You are not assimilating me!

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

I’m not sure this is what we bargained for, boy. We expected the girl to be attractive.”If I hadn’t been so terrified, I would have been insulted.

Don't ask creator to guide your footsteps if you're not willing to move your feet.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.

She looked out and saw a tall and comely woman beckoning to her. Susannah's first look at Mia in the flesh astounded her, because the chap's mother was *white.* Apparently Odetta-that-was now had a Caucasian side to her personality and how that must frost Detta Walker's racially sensitive butt!

As we all know, as if forever exploiting or attempting to exploit each other were not enough, a group of sane human beings who have just reached the end of a war against a common enemy of theirs will sooner or later start or continue killing and/or fighting against each other.

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.

Boredom is probably more frequent and more tormenting if you do not have sight or hands.

Isolde took a swig. "It doesn't matter if you believe it or not. Your government just gave you two months to get knocked up." She held up the bottle, her face dull and red. "Cheers." "You better get your fill of the booze now, then," said Xochi. "You'll be drinking for two pretty soon.

What are you doing?”Celaena lifted another piece of paper. “If His Pirateness can’t be bothered to clean for us, then I don’t see why I can’t have a look.”“He’ll be here any second,” Sam hissed. She picked up a flattened map, examining the dots and markings along the coastline of their continent. Something small and round gleamed beneath the map, and she slipped it into her pocket before Sam could notice.“Oh, hush,” she said, opening the hutch on the wall adjacent to the desk. “With these creaky floors, we’ll hear him a mile off.” The hutch was crammed with rolled scrolls, quills, the odd coin, and some very old, very expensive-looking brandy. She pulled out a bottle, swirling the amber liquid in the sunlight streaming through the tiny porthole window. “Care for a drink?

People think I am younger then I really am,because I act so immature.

If you talk to God you are praying if God talks to you you have schizophrenia.

Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.”D’Artagnan Bloodhawke

A friend told me that one day he and I would be rich and famous. I told him that I'd trade my half of the fame, for his half of the money.

You know?” he asked.“Yes. I know what I am.”“You – you do?”“I’m a time traveler.

You probably drink too much. If you hand me that bottle, I'll reduce your temptations. --Augustus "Gus" McCrae

Don’t think you’re some kind of snowflake, suit guy. I’m a bitch to everyone.