Humorous Quotes

Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer?A: Explaining what that is.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

Life is nether food nor drink. But the faith of a dance dream.

No matter what goals you set to accomplish always remember there is a thing known as Life which you should never forget to live and enjoy

It’s all about “Priorities” There's No Such Thing as "Busy

Among other possibilities, money was invented to make it possible for a foolish man to control wise men; a weak man, strong men; a child, old men; an ignorant man, knowledgeable men; and for a dwarf to control giants.

Sobs force their way out of my throat. I feel like I’m trapped in a disaster movie where everything is shriveling into darkness and ash. Sunflowers are being uprooted. Puppies are being trampled. Whole cities are crumbling to dust.

She looks me dead in the face and says, “The safe word is going to be ‘immigration,’ because you know I’ll stop it.

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

A wise man is someone who knows how to convert obstacles into resources.

I hope you won't mind, my dear, if we take it," said Thunder Karlsson. "Oh, not at all," said Pippi. "Of course not." And with that, Blom went over and took out the suitcase. "I hope you won't mind, my dear, if I take it back," said Pippi, as she climbed out of bed and went over to Blom.

Orange is the New Black is a really boring porn.

You can't oversleep if you don't make plans to wake up early.

And now here I was in McDonald's again for the first time since my earlier fracas. I vowed to behave myself, but McDonald's is just too much for me. I ordered a chicken sandwich and a Diet Coke.'Do you want fries with that?' the young man serving me asked.I hesitated for a moment, and in a pained but patient tone said: 'No. That's why I didn't ask for fries, you see.''We're just told to ask like,' he said.'When I want fries, generally I say something like, "I would like some fries, too, please." That's the system I use.''We're just told to ask like,' he repeated.'Do you need to know the other things I don't want? It is quite a long list. In fact, it is everything you serve except for the two things I asked for.''We're just told to ask like,' he repeated yet again, but in a darker voice, and deposited my two items on a tray and urged me, without the least hint of sincerity, to have a nice day.I realized that I probably wasn't quite ready for McDonald's yet.

You act like the sorcerers are invading the continent for the sole joy of hunting me down and lobbing me off of tall objects.

You want to grab something here, Brycin?” he asked, bending over again. Um . . . yeah. Your ass.

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.

It is man who forsake is Maker.

Stay strong. Don't be bullied by anyone.

Tanith frowned. Did people still go on DATES any more? She was sure they did. They probably called it something different though. She tried to think of the last date she'd been on. The last PROPER date. Did fighting side by side with Saracen Rue count as a date? They ended up snuggling under the moonlight, drenched in gore and pieces of brain - so it had PROBABLY been a date. If it wasn't, it was certainly a fun time had by all. Well, not ALL. But she and Saracen had sure had a blast.

One of the most common and most dangerous misbeliefs is that it is impossible for someone to be stupid just because they are a doctor or a lawyer.

There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.

I swear by the self-assurance with which elderly men sitting in public tilt sideways to allow the gas to escape loudly.

I have the whole team just around the block! One call and they'll ride in here like cavalry! Riding on... robots! Giant robots! Well, not giant robots, like in Egan, but... but... big enough robots!

It was [Hugh's] omnipresent fear that some woman might be foisted on him who would turn out to be an adventuress and would blackmail him. This preoccupation made it almost impossible for him to engage a secretary.

I want to tell you something but good tasteRestrains me

Rats! It's rainy outside,And to be a good fellaInvite a smile so wideNobody needs umbrella!

Fainting is for preteen girls and those really weird goats. I do not faint!

To enjoy a peaceful & Beautiful Life We should open our 'EYE' and Close our 'I

Life is same for everyone. The difference is only that some are living by heart and some for only sake of living

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

Are all men's lips as soft as yours, Ari?" Bathymaas"I suppose, goddess. But I don't make it a habit to feel the lips of other men so I don't know for certain." Aricles

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

If you wish to compare, compare yourself with God's commandment.

I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.

It's all right, darling. I'll finish the financial report on my own. I can think clearly before sex and stay awake afterwards. That's one of the nice things about being a woman.

THE Biggest enemy of Truth is known as Facts in our Society

Embrace tomfoolery as if it were a rich relative on his deathbed.

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,” the inventor said. “The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

And most of the time, when you're young and dumb - you know everything! Charles Freeman Lee bebop pianist and trumpeter

Someone has opened the flood gates of stupidity...

All kidding aside…” I focus back on Pyke, genuine sincerity in my tone.“Thank you…for everything. For dragging my ‘clueless ass’ through the ocean, andover hill and vale, when you knew it was futile and stupid—but that I’d still try to do it, with or without your help. Thanks for tracking me down when I was alone and helpless; and for giving me a voice when I thought all hope was lost—”“Ugh, for crying out loud…Enough already,” Pyke squirms, a nauseatedgrimace twisting his hairy face. “Now you’re going way overboard with thegratitude…That kind of gushy crap is meant to be dished out in small doses,” he gripes. “Please make it stop…before I have to snap my own neck, just to end the suffering.” He backs away into the crowd, giving Tristan’s shoulder one more slap with a sly wink. “Hurry up, Man, and do something. Kiss her, muzzle her…shove a sock in her mouth—

I was very sorry to hear about your losses. Your brother was a terrible traitor, I know, but if we start killing men at weddings they'll be more frightened of marriage than they are presently. (Olenna Tyrell to Sansa Stark

to be in charge. To be the wise owl. The comforter. I felt I’d moved beyond that. Gained my own wisdom. Found comfort in my own company. In just being me. The long healing process was at an end, hastened by these few days of sunshine and blissful solitude.

Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.

Memories of the past are what drive us, whether to a life of beauty or a life of insanity is up to us.

My sight, hearing and strength are superior and I can fly. What more do you want?

A seemingly simple task like taking a bath or wearing a condom feels like multitasking to someone who suffers from hemiplegia or has only one hand.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Tooth Fairy" Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

Create your own path.Don't blindly follow the massess... because most of the time the "M" is silent.

That's all you need? Easy. I love you.Okay? Want it louder?I love you. Spell it out schould I l-o-v-e y-o-u. Want it backwards You love I.

Allow me to remove my headphones to listen to your bullshit.

A goatee is to beards what diamonds are to ornaments.

I can do anything a man can do except get a hard-on--and that's only because I lack the equipment.

I hope I know my own unworthiness, and that I hate and despise myself and all my fellow-creatures as every practicable Christian should.

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German.

Are you sure you have enough sweetener in that? I could offer to conscript the rest of the cubes from the galley for you.

Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.