Humour Quotes - Page 6

I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins...you should be shot in the head.

Don't think because you can't affect something at a great level that God can't use you in a great way. David didn't even train one day with the armies but He won the war. He didn't even have a weapon but he killed a giant.

Heaven. The biggest waste of our time we ever invented, outside jigsaws.

I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

The ability to laugh at life is right at the top with love and communication in the hierarchy of our needs. Humour has much to do with pain it exaggerates the anxieties and absurdities we feel so that we gain distance and through laughter relief.

Solomon's Laws 1. When the law doesn't work...work the law.

Draco Malfoy is a bad boy!" squeaked Dobby angrily.

The enemies agenda is destruction, his strategy is division and his tactics is on little differences. Mind you he is not going to be happy until he sees you divided.

If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.

When you walk into a chocolate store, suddenly the most difficult decision you will ever have to make in your life, is which chocolates to pick! It is pure torture! Especially when you are in Belgium surrounded by Belgian chocolates!

Sure, at some level scientists know nanobots will destroy mankind. They just can't resist seeing how it happens.

In many cases, it was the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that fell for her man.

Another one of your quippy japes?

So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.''Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.

Fred said, “Man, I think he’s gonna make a fuckin’ suit of human skin, using the best parts from each of us.”“Holy crap,” said John. “He’ll be gorgeous.

Don't think like a shop girl! Think like a poet!"Veronica, Mary Gatskill

Oh, those hateful sods will never make it to Heaven. They’re all on an express elevator to the gay spit-roast dungeon in Hell. Within five minutes of kicking the bucket, they’ll have demon balls swollen with fiery spunk slapping off their shapeless chins.

What have you got in there you little bastard?

The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right.

And so Mort came at last to the river Ankh, greatest of rivers. Even before it entered the city, it was slow and heavy with the silt of the plains, and by the time it got to The Shades even an agnostic could have walked across it. It was hard to drown in the Ankh, but easy to suffocate.

If countries were named after the words you first hear when you go there, England would have to be called "Damn It".

This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory.

Xander Harris: Hair. Red. Red is good. Fire engines are red. Porsche's are red.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

There was an edge to his expression, like he didn't trust anyone who was more attractive than he was.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we've found ways to amuse ourselves." "Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?"Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice."He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.They both let go, laughing."Naw," Plight said," we just play board games.

At least Kyle wasn't home. That would be a hard one to explain to his new roomate. Nobody liked a guy who kept blood in the fridge.

When the only exorcise you get is running for a bus, get more buses!

This is supposed to be a lighthearted session of symbolic document destruction, not a political debate.

News of the death of James V on 14 December gave even further cause for rejoicing, because his heir was a week-old girl, the infant Mary, Queen of Scots. Scotland would be subject to yet another weakening regency—it had endured six during the past 150 years—and should give no further trouble.

Sometimes we want God to use us to do big things when we would not even want to do the basics.

Author? Author? Did you write these legs?''Yes."'Well, I don't like dem. I don't like 'em at all at all. I could ha' writted better legs meself.

While studying my bible, I noticed that all the miracle Jesus did was never magical, the people that received their healing call it the blind man, the woman with the issue of blood, lazarus, the man they threw through the ceiling to him etc, had one thing in common. I didn't call it faith but I call it action. ...they made a move and was ready to make a shift and a change.Lessons to learn from here; faith without work better put without action is dead. Secondly, miracle will never find you in your sitting room, you need to make a move in order to find it. Third, God can only start the work in your life only with what you have left not what you do not have. Fourth, do your own part and then allow God to do the one you cannot do. Fifth, always be ready for a change. Sixth, when you have done everything and nothing seems to work....Call on JESUS...I am a living withness, He always starts when we are tired.

You don't have to feel grateful in order to be grateful.

You know what would be awesome? . . . If I could have a machete.

Life is a process during which one initially gets less and less dependent, independent, and then more and more dependent.

Chater: You dare to call me that. I demand satisfaction!Septimus: Mrs Chater demanded satisfaction and now you are demanding satisfaction. I cannot spend my time day and night satisfying the demands of the Chater family.

Showing off is more ridiculous in instances where the thing that is being shown off was bought on credit.

If you are landing it doesn't really matter who is sitting beside you but while you are taking off, it is very important you know who is around you. Eagles don't flock with pigeons.

It was a sweet smile, but it hid menace, like the kind dentists gave.

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

OK, so the guy is cool, but... I mean own up, this is barking time, this is major lunch, this is stool approaching critical mass, this is... this is... total vocabulary failure!

Glenn could see I was bricking it and turned round to me as I sat there, gripping the armrests."You all right?" he said."I hate flying, Boss. I'm shitting myself.""Don't worry, Merse. It's going to be OK. We *won't* crash."I thought, "Thank God for that. Glenn's said we're going to be safe. Nothing's going to fuck with us now.

Should I get you a shovel so youcan dig that hole a little deeper?

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

He pointed at the caiques, but Peppone declined the librarian’s offer, saying only, “Do you think the proprietor of the inn where we met will report us?”t“The money I left him was more than enough to silence his alarms,” said Danaco. “Gold has an amazing habit of altering memories.

He had to be nice to me at the moment because he had to be surrounded by people. This was because boys like him were, essentially, pasta. Everyone thought they loved him because they had never been forced to experience the true blandness of him on his own.

Why were kings cross? Maybe their trains were late! Some say warrior Queen Boudica was buried under platform 8.

So a half-breed goatsnake, a Yith, and a Ghast walk into a bar.

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.

The nuisance of her presence outweighs the gratification to be derived from tormenting her

With regard to things such as independence, mental capabilities, and sexuality, a very old man is nothing but a gigantic infant with white hair and wrinkles.

Today as always, men fall into two groups: slaves and free men. Whoever does not have two-thirds of his day for himself, is a slave, whatever he may be: a statesman, a businessman, an official, or a scholar.

Modern-Day Parenting is no joke. For starters, no one takes you seriously unless you have a fancy parenting style. Tiger Mom, Helicopter Mom, Organic Mom and on and on. I've decided to go with L-Board Mom. I may look like I don't know what I'm doing but you want to keep safe distance 'cause you know I can hurt you and get away with it.

Being a bad parent is a sign of not having learned from experience.

Kurt pick his way around testing for heat before taking each step and avoiding places where the ash was heaps up.

It’s like George always says: being in a rock ʼn’ roll band is very sexy, even when you’re only the keyboard player and your idea of the perfect Saturday night actually amounts to a bubble bath, a Richard Curtis boxset and a seafood linguine.

Sylvia grabs my sleeve. “He’s a looker.”“I know. The problem is, he knows it, too.

Why should sinners prosper and sins suffer? It is ignorant; don't think that the poorer you are the quicker you will see God, sorry no unclean thing shall see heaven. Poverty is a disgrace to God. The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof. You can be free, you can perform a miracle if you are a born again. I do not mean Church goers.