Humor Quotes - Page 48

(Can human beings change? The humor, and the sadness, of remarriage comedies can be said to result from the fact that we have no good answer to that question.)

Lucy: I don't feel like talking about college. It increases my stress level.James: And increased stress levels lead to hair loss.Lucy: My head-hair volume is fine.James: You say that like I should be concerned about leg-hair volume.

They hammered on the outer gate and called, but there was at first no answer; and then to their surprise someone blew a horn, and the lights in the windows went out. A voice shouted in the dark: 'Who's that? Be off! You can't come in. Can't you read the notice: No admittance between sundown and sunrise?' 'Of course we can't read the notice in the dark,' Sam shouted back. 'And if hobbits of the Shire are to be kept out in the wet on a night like this, I'll tear down your notice when I find it.

The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.

What if I shave?" he said. "I look much better when I'm shaved. My cousin will vouch for that—do I not look almost handsome when I shave, Edward? " He didn't wait for the duke's reply but turned earnestly back to Prudence. "Do you think you could marry me if I shaved?

If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!

The greatest irony is that people with Rolodexes are no longer LinkedIn. And if that pun doesn't make sense, don’t ask anyone in your Rolodex to explain it.

I hadn't realized she could shrink... It makes sense now with the tricks Ari was able to perform with her.""She wasn't born that way. Her mother was a scientist working to reduce subatomic particles.""And whose mom isn't?" Raven joked. "Was Rick Moranis involved somehow?

Harry, we saw Uranus up close!” said Ron, still giggling feebly. “Get it, Harry? We saw Uranus — ha ha ha —

Modern literature is a north-east wind--a blight of the human soul. I take credit to myself for having helped to make it so. The way to produce fine fruit is to blight the flower. You call this a paradox. Marry, so be it.

I know that big people don't like questions from children. They can ask all the questions they like, How's school? Are you a good boy? Did you say your prayers? but if you ask them did they say their prayers you might be hit on the head.

Judy went back to Paulie’s place, but either he wasn’t home or he wasn’t answering his door. After banging on the door for four minutes, then waiting another ten, she decided she’d probably have to find someplace else to crash today She wished she’d taken the time to actually have a few friends.

I'll never understand ninety-nine percent of humanity. - Enoch

I was still a newlywed and certainly wasn't to the point where I felt comfortable yelling, "I'm going to shit my pants any second!"But the sweating had started, which was followed by the tears. "I'm not feeling well, and need to get home," I told him."Ok, but I have to obey the speed limit because of all the kids in the neighborhood," he replied.I was pleading with him to hurry up when he came to a complete stop.I screamed at him, "Why are we stopping?"He rolled down the window. "Retreat."I could see the flag lowering in the distance, the beautiful orange sun setting behind it.In the opposite direction I could see the roof line of our home - so close, yet so far away.As Retreat played, I surrendered. I pooped my pants. I took one for the flag.Now that's patriotism.

He wanted more, as did I, but we still had a ways to go. I wasn’t a tease and my demands seemed pretty reasonable: always be honest and try not to eat me. ~ Sam, Living Violet

No single bad person regards themselves as a bad person.

The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word 'pen' had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready-- so who was she to advise me on anything?

He wanted to say: how could you be so nice and yet so dumb? The best thing you could do with the peasents was to leave them alone. Let them get on with it. When people who can read and write start fighting for those who can't, you just end up with another kind of stupidity. If you want to help them, build a big library or something somewhere and leave the door open.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Anyone who thinks they're too grown up or too sophisticated to eat caramel corn, is not invited to my house for dinner

I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about PRINCESS.” He tilted his head and half curtseyed when he said the last word.“That! That is what I am talking about. Since we ran into the others you have been cold and more arrogant than usual.” She kept her voice low so the others would not hear.“Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant

Guns, double-crosses, hitmen… I can get used to a lot of things, but I’m never going to get used to sleeping where apocalypse bugs mate,” Wednesday said, walking into the room looking around. She dropped her Birkin on the floor and heard something scuttling behind the cheap plastic wood print veneer covered dresser. She turned to face Alvin, her head cocked to the side. “Seriously. I’m not saying five-star… I’m saying go on Expedia and find a place that actually has stars… any stars.

I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'"Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!

The subjective experience of intense pain (“That’s all I can take”) corresponds exactly to one’s subjective experience in relation to truth (“That’s all I can take”).

Who are you?" he asked.I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.

As we all know, as if forever exploiting or attempting to exploit each other were not enough, a group of sane human beings who have just reached the end of a war against a common enemy of theirs will sooner or later start or continue killing and/or fighting against each other.

New York, of course, is to be in endless surreal situations where a fifty-thousand dollar, gun-metal Mercedez pulls up into a puddle of blood, and out steps a twenty-five karat blonde transvestite with a two dollar wristwatch.

I am perfectly qualified to give you an injection. You're not going to tell me you're afraid of a little prick?""I wouldn't call you that...

Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.

My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat ... I AM A CHIHUAHUA!"

When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi's head. He screamed and released Christian, trying frantically to put the flames out. The Strigoi never saw me coming with the stake. The whole thing took under a minute. Christian and I exchanged looks.Yeah. We were badasses.

Without hesitation but with a sense of entitlement, he lifted my hand to his lips. He was gentlemen-like in every way... I don’t know why I wondered if it was an act or for real.

I have something to tell you.""How, you have something to tell me?""You have understood me exactly.""Well, I am listening.""Listening? Then, you wish me to tell you?""Yes, that is it. I am listening, and therefore I wish you to tell me.""Shall I tell you now?""No.

Every single living thing is food to at least one living thing.

Did I hurt your feelings again? Sorry. When this is all over I'll send some flowers to your inner child.

I just inhaled kimchi ramen. Nose on fire. Next chapter may be obscured by tears.

Boredom is probably more frequent and more tormenting if you do not have sight or hands.

It is not enough to be a man.

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

I don’t give sick days if you’re playing in the snow.” He’s being funny, or trying to be funny. I can never tell which.

Jesus.""I thought you were Jewish."He pressed his lips together for a second before looking at me. "Fine. I'll say Moses. Or Abraham. Happy?""I doubt Jesus is.

The wittiest authors raise the very slightest of smiles.

I don't know what it is about "magic happens"-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it "so does cot death".

Has he written to you?''He writes frequently.''Shew me his letters this instant, I order you'; and M. de Renal added six feet to his stature.

There are few things less comforting than a tiger who's been up too late.

And Tria this is Vilenthe.” Tria just stares before collapsing onto the floor Ingra looks down “She'll be fine.” Vilenthe scowls “She has seen me before. Many years ago before I was selected for the 11th Tournament, she must've forgotten about that but we have met before.

I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

Dating is like pushing your tray along in a cafeteria. Nothing looks good, but you know you have to pick something by the time you reach the cashier.

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.

Now we go in and take over," answered A. "It's our duty to help these people.

I used to ask myself, ‘Sergei, would you rather spend your money on drink or women?’ and thanks to the club, I spend it on both and am called a patron of the arts.

It's an alien apocalypse! Quick, grab the beer!

And they danced with laughter and tears. They swung each other round and round, the first and last time in years.

If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.

the pen is as wise as the mind that speaks through it

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?”“Dumb luck,” Wit said. “In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.