Humor Quotes - Page 47

- Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself.

Its Batteries! I just know it!

It's time to shop high heels if your fiance kisses you on the forehead.

I feel no grief for being called somethingwhichI am not;in fact, it's enthralling, somehow, like a goodback rub

Oh Tigger, where are your manners?""I don’t know, but I bet they’re having more fun than I am.

Izzy. Sweet, beautiful, but eternally strange Izzy.

Pride has often been his best friend. It has connected him nearer with virtue than any other feeling.

Alas, my being the James Bond of vampires isn't the whole issue. Vanity must wait.

A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.

If the most High grant thee to live, thou shall see after the third trumpet that the sun shall suddenly shine again in the night, and the moon thrice in the day:

Murderous thieves make their home here." She failed to keep the tremor from her voice. "Absolutely," Jonas replied."Dangerous animals too.""Without a doubt."She slanted a look toward him. "Perfect place for you."He repressed a snort. "Oh, such compliments, your highness. You're going to make me blush.

Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it.

All those adorable towheaded kids in the promotional film are going to turn thirteen. Once a family member hits puberty, odds are that everybody is not going to have the same ideals. Unless everybody gets together and agrees that the new ideals involve turning the front yard into a skate ramp and officially changing Dad's name to Fuckhead.

Businesspeople are like sharks, not just because we're gray and slightly oily, or because our teeth trail the innards of those we have eviscerated, but because we must move forward or die.

If upper management found out, they’d send you off to the Probing Department.

Ordinary folk prefer familiar tastes - they'd sooner eat the same things all the time - but a gourmet would sample a fried park bench just to know how it tastes.

There is a meaning of life but I've been sworn to secrecy.

Dicky was intelligent but he ended up selling tea because he was socially retarded.

They seem nice, though, your sisters, really,' Porcelain remarked.'Ha!' I said. 'Shows what little you know! I hate them!''Hate them? I should have thought you'd love them.''Of course I love them,' I said.... 'That's why I'm so good at hating them.

And Mega has a crush on Chester.""I do not!""Do too, Mega.""He's like, old!""How old, Christian says.""Like at least thirty or something."Lor laughs. " Fucking ancient, ain't it, kid?""Dude," I agree. I like Lor.

It is better to make an irrational noise in a bush than in a desert.

The essential war within, and the cause of suffering, begins with the presumption that yearning, impulse and curiosity, desire and question, exist so as to end them. To attain, to acquire, to answer.

It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.

Two farewell gifts," Sadie muttered, "from two gorgeous guys. I hate my life.

I thought you were just typical teenagers.”No one has ever called me typical. I can’t say I like it.

I'm going to get 'I'M NOT FUCKING DEAD' tattooed on my chest.""That will become inaccurate at some point, " Omar pointed out.

NASA spent millions of dollars inventing the ball-point pen so they could write in space. The Russians took a pencil.

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

I wish the trees would go into leaf that I might find out what they are. In their present undress I cannot recognise them. It's true that I doubt if I should know my best friends--men or women--with their clothes off.

No one is sent by accident to anyone.

Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing.

when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.

Clear skin, a manicure, a couple dead zombies, and then fame!

He looked at me thoughtfully, and smiled slowly, his green eyes warm. He smelled of the outdoors, he was so tall and broad shouldered and so ... male ... in this house of women he was shockingly different. All I could think of was how much I wanted to kiss him. I was clearly losing my mind.

We, humans, have come up with so many superficialities that are completely unnecessary for our existence and happiness on earth.

I’m not bipolar, I’ve just had a bipolar life foisted upon me.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve got in your pants if there is nothing in your brain to connect it to.

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

Knowledge is a rope, and you're weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy.

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. Once begun upon this downward path, you never know where you are to stop. Many a man has dated his ruin from some murder or other that perhaps he thought little of at the time.

When exactly did every housewife in America become a whore?

Remember what happened last time with the 'cuda.

No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn’t conversation. It’ll never lead anywhere. No one is going to say, “Wow, Mindy, you really have it especially bad. I have heard some stories of stress, but this just takes the cake.

Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain.

Did they look like psychos? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them - I don't give a fuck how crazy they are!

Life's a shit sandwich, my ass. Life's a polka and don't you forget it!

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

Megan, you just single handedly set the women’s movement back twenty years

Don't be stupid, it's a flying house!

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

You get a kick out of shocking the pants off me, don’t you?” I shook my head with a smirk.He just shrugged with a playful smile, his eyes momentarily flitting toward my pants before returning to meet my gaze.“It’s an expression,” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t tell me you aren’t familiar with it, Mr. Smarty Pants.”“You have quite a repertoire of ‘pants’ references, don’t you?

I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

I am not going to give you disclaimers about what you can expect to find in my story. I went through menopause recently and find I don't much care about anyone's sensibilities anymore. I am called BadSquirrel for a reason. Considering how incredibly rude and grouchy I have become, I expect all of you to be extremely grateful to the QMBG (Queen Mother Bitch Goddess for those of you who haven't kept up) for all of the good warm fuzzy bits of my story. If you like it, it's because she went through it and took out all the really disturbing parts and made me behave.

Database Management System [Origin: Data + Latin basus "low, mean, vile, menial, degrading, ounterfeit."] A complex set of interrelational data structures allowing data to be lost in many convenient sequences while retaining a complete record of the logical relations between the missing items. -- From The Devil's DP Dictionary

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.

... Good gracious, Jerry, you'll probably have to marry the girl.'Joanna was half serious, half laughing.It was at that moment that I made a very important discovery.'Damn it all,' I said. 'I don't mind if I do. In fact - I should like it.'A very funny expression came over Joanna's face. She got up and said dryly, as she went toward the door, 'Yes, I've known that for some time...'She left me standing, glass in hand, aghast at my new discovery.

I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.)

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!