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Humor Quotes - Page 9

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Women have no appreciation of good looks-at least, good women have not.
Oscar Wilde
They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate."Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on.""They're for fighting, not fashion.""So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan.""And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off."Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite
J.R. Ward
One of the Georges," said Psmith, "I forget which, once said that a certain number of hours' sleep a day--I cannot recall for the moment how many--made a man something, which for the time being has slipped my memory. However, there you are. I've given you the main idea of the thing; and a German doctor says that early rising causes insanity.
P.G. Wodehouse
Don't get mad about the infestation of fleas if you keep shopping at the dog pound.
Valerie J. Lewis Coleman
You can swim, too." he says. "Where did you learn that in District Twelve?""We have a very big bathtub.
Suzanne Collins
That’s not Eire. Everyone always thinks that, but we’re not shamrocks and wee men. You should know the difference.
Kathy Bryson
How do you feel right now?" "I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?" I retorted.
Richelle Mead
Be With Me In The Phases Of My Work Because My Brain Feels Like It Has Been Whipped And I Yearn To Make A Small Perfect Thing Which Will Live In Your Morning Like Curious Static Through A President's Elegy Or A Nude Hunchback Acquiring A Tan On The Crowded Oily Beach.
Leonard Cohen
It's nice to be able to do things for other people, isn't it?That's why it's fun to talk in the third person sometimes.
Patrick Bryant
DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.
Terry Pratchett
I stumbled up the hill back toward the Hab. As I crested the rise, I saw something that made me very happy and something that made me very sad: The Hab was intact (yay!) and the MAV was gone (boo!).
Andy Weir
Still it is true that many same-sex couples want nothing more than to join society as fully integrated socially responsible family-centered taxpaying Little League-coaching nation-serving respectably married citizens. So why not welcome them in Why not recruit them by the vanload to sweep in on heroic wings and save the flagging and battered old institution of matrimony from a bunch of apathetic ne'er-do-well heterosexual deadbeats like me
Elizabeth Gilbert
See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.
Jim Butcher
Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.
Dr. Seuss
I want that little blonde bitch in the lobby to hear me screaming your name.
Aaron B. Powell
I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.
Michael Summers
I furrowed my brows at him. What was so amazing about a stick? I could pick one up outside on the way to the car. “Let me guess, you’re Harry Potter and this is the school of Hogwarts. If I say Lumos will it light up?
Brandi Salazar
Interns, unite: you have nothing to lose but your unpaid positions!
Piccolo Fortunato
Rats! It's rainy outside,And to be a good fellaInvite a smile so wideNobody needs umbrella!
Ana Claudia Antunes
Mom stood over the still thrashing ghost with the bat and brought it down on its head again and again. "Leave him alone, leave my family alone!" she screamed. "We are not going to die in a stupid gas station in the middle of nowhere!
C.A. Marshall
My advice for those of you who felt being marginalised, undervalued and taken for granted; guess what? That is the Arena where God creates Leaders.
Patience Johnson
Never presume to know a person based on the one dimensional window of the internet. A soul can’t be defined by critics, enemies or broken ties with family or friends. Neither can it be explained by posts or blogs that lack facial expressions, tone or insight into the person’s personality and intent. Until people “get that”, we will forever be a society that thinks Beautiful Mind was a spy movie and every stranger is really a friend on Facebook.
Shannon L. Alder
Hermes gazed up at the stars. "My dear young cousin, if there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it. It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the Internet-""You invented the Inte
Rick Riordan
The demon at length fell to singing a gentle, flickering little song. It was not in any language Sophie knew - or she thought not, until she distinctly heard the word "saucepan" in it several times...
Diana Wynne Jones
Yeah. Floyd is his batman."His what?"Batman, like in the British army, each officer had a batman, a personal servant."You spend too much time reading, Spenser. You know more stuff that don't make you money than anybody I know.
Robert B. Parker
He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy...
J.K. Rowling
I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.""Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.
Cassandra Clare
To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.
Douglas Adams
Let's see," mused the dragon, "that doesn't tell us much, does it? What sort of a word is this? Is it an epithet, do you think?"Gawaine could do no more than nod."Why, of course," exclaimed the dragon, "reactionary Republican.
Heywood Broun
Do I look stupid?" snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.
J.K. Rowling
The dead have existed for as long as the living, give or take a few years. But what good has that done them?
James Aquilone
A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.
Will Cuppy
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
George Carlin
Her face collapsed like a bad poem
Marge Simon
We love out of compassion, passion or a sense of commitment.
Janvier Chouteu-Chando
why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.Why try to make me like you?Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?Why do you scream when I do what I did?Im a kid.
Shel Silverstein
Rowl felt sure that Bridget's fragile feelings would be crushed if he denied her the pleasure of sharing her meat with him.
Jim Butcher
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
Stephen Colbert
You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?
Nenia Campbell
In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.
Terry Pratchett
Historically, techniques to attain altered states of consciousness, usually called meditation, or sometimes prayer, actually involve various forms of concentration, the first level of this kind of internal work. The linear scale of progression is Concentration, then Meditation, and finally Contemplation. Virtually all categories of meditation are, in actuality, forms of concentration. What makes them so are the innate “goals” or ambitions attached to them: to achieve a state or to acquire something, like relaxation, insight or “advancement.” This then constructs a dichotomy, or dualism, between the pursuer and the thing pursued. That is, you are conscious of or believe in something “better,” you are separate from it, and there is effort to attain it.
Darrell Calkins
Welcome, welcomePlease feel welcomedWelcome, oh welcomeWe are pleased to have you here.
CJ Quinn
Just think of it as a picnic with guns and monsters instead of mosquitoes and ants. Do we have fun or what?
Laurence Yep
Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.
Cassandra Clare
Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.
Bill Watterson
Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?""Yes.""You called her a liar?""Yes.""You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?""Yes.""Have a biscuit, Potter.
J.K. Rowling
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Magdalen Braden
The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.
Viktor E. Frankl
I do not understand what makes mothers think they are walking-talking thermometers.But I think somewhere during the process of giving birth and changing diapers, they actually begin to belive they have this supernatural sense.
Melody Carlson
Yes, she'd made a mistake... but she wasn't going to be bullied. You couldn't let boys go around raining on your lava and ogling other people's watercolors.
Terry Pratchett
I'm in love with you.""Good grief." She kept walking.
Tahereh Mafi
Thanks to my mother, I was raised to have a morbid imagination. When I was a child, she often talked about death as warning, as an unavoidable matter of fact. Little Debbie's mom down the block might say, 'Honey, look both ways before crossing the street.' My mother's version: 'You don't look, you get smash flat like sand dab.' (Sand dabs were the cheap fish we bought live in the market, distinguished in my mind by their two eyes affixed on one side of their woebegone cartoon faces.)The warnings grew worse, depending on the danger at hand. Sex education, for example, consisted of the following advice: 'Don't ever let boy kiss you. You do, you can't stop. Then you have baby. You put baby in garbage can. Police find you, put you in jail, then you life over, better just kill youself.
Amy Tan
She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.
Christopher Moore
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
Terry Pratchett
...all members of Congress should be required wear NASCAR uniforms. You know, the kind with the patches? That way we'd know who is sponsoring each of them. I think he was kidding; they'd never be able to do it but it's a great idea and would wake people up in this country.
Brad Thor
What would have been the fate of sages if there were no fools?
Ogwo David Emenike
As an Odd-Fish, it is not my job to be right,' said Sir Oort. 'It is my job to be wrong in new and exciting ways.
James Kennedy
Jenks enthusiastically leaned against the counter and opened the box. Bypassing the plastic knife, he broke off about a third of it and took a huge bite. Ivy watched, appalled, and I shrugged. His mouth moving as he hummed, Jenks finished unpacking the sacks. I was half dead, Ivy was whoring herself to keep me safe, but Jenks was okay as long as he had chocolate.
Kim Harrison
If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)
Melissa Mercer
Wizard’s work was a pleasure and a madness. No wonder the university magicians rambled at times like daft bastards.
Lita Burke
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