Humor Quotes - Page 10

I would rather have a man chasing JESUS than a house full of stuffs and garrage filled with big cars.

You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.“I can't read your mind, you idiot.

Then I say, "Let's go and brush our teeth." So Lola says, "But Charlie, I can't brush my teeth because somebody is using my tooth." "But who would use your toothbrush?" I ask. Lola says "I think that lion. I saw a lion with my toothbrush and now he's brushing his teeth with it." "But it isn't this your toothbrush Lola?" "Oh," says Lola, "he must be using yours.

The greater the pain, the greater the fun.

The Boogeyman,' he said, just to be sure. 'The Boogeyman killed an employee of the President of the United States.'The president nodded.Some days, Zach thought, I really hate this job.

I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Those darling byegone times, Mr Carker,' said Cleopatra, 'with their delicious fortresses, and their dear old dungeons, and their delightful places of torture, and their romantic vengeances, and their picturesque assaults and sieges, and everything that makes life truly charming! How dreadfully we have degenerated!

...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low.

Everton" (Francis)Alex turned his head to view a rainbow peacock mask bobbing toward him. "Good Lord, Francis, you are replendent," he said admiringly.The peacock stopped beside him. "Dash it, Everton, how'd you know it was me?"You're still wearing your faux ruby ring.

Men like to create unnecessary organizations and give them impressive or mysterious names; this usually ends in increased confusion, and should therefore be ignored.

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

Can dragons fly?"The apparent change of subject didn't seem to startle the Mage. "No. Not at all. They do not have wings, ... "If you want a flying spell creature, you need a Roc.""A what?""A Roc. It is a giant bird," Alain explained. Mari shook her head. "A giant bird. I'm crazy to be listening to this, you know that?""I have thought…” He fumbled for words, for a moment looking just like any other seventeen-year-old young man. Was that actually embarrassment showing? “You might…be interested…someday….in flying…on a Roc. I mean…with me.” 
“Are you asking me on a date?” Mari tried desperately not to laugh at his discomfort. “A date on a giant bird?”
“Um…I do not know…just something to do…together. That is not dangerous,” Alain added hastily. 
“Doing something together, that isn’t dangerous?” Mari asked. “That would be a change of pace for us, wouldn’t it? … "Have you ever gone…flying…with a girl before?” 
Was he blushing? Just the faintest hint of it, but—stars above. She had made a Mage blush. 
“No,” Alain said.

I want to take ye to bed. In my bed. And I mean to spend the rest of the day thinking what to do wit ye once I got ye there. So wee Archie can just go and play at marbles with his bollucks, aye?

Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence.

I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker's dozens! …they come in thirteens.

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard... -George Foster

I admire the person who can write it right off. Mencken once said that a person who thinks clearly can write well. But I don't think clearly--too many thoughts bump into one another. Trains of thought run on a track of the Central Nervous System--the New York Central Nervous System, to make it worse.

Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.

Can you…make it different this time?”“Different, how?”“Different position, different…something. I want to learn it all.”Whoa, pressure. When Maira’s genius brain wanted to learn something, she really applied herself.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

That dress…was a very, very good decision. I could write an entire poem on the virtues of your legs alone. You are a feast for the senses.” I laughed. “I don’t know about a feast. Maybe just an hors d'oeuvre.” He took my hand and wrapped it around his arm. “Not an hors d'oeuvre. The dessert. And I plan to spoil my appetite.

Nate shook his head with a crooked grin. "You haven't gone Back to the Future, McFly.

We are all going to die soon. Do you really wish to waste time being angry at me?""Yes. I remain an unrepentant optimist. If i see that I am about to die, or you, I will forgive you. But not until then, you bastard.

I stared. "Canadian Satanists? You're sending me to a group of Canadian Satanists?

Intellectuals always make a fuss about nothing.

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

You write poetry?" Klaus asked.He had read a lot about poets but had never met one."Just a little bit," Isadora said modestly. "I write poems down in this notebook. It's an interest of mine.""Sappho!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something like, "I'd be very pleased to hear a poem of yours!

A good friend would offer you an umbrella in the rain. A best friend would steal yours and say, 'run, b*tch, run!

Gavin, Logan, Calix. Was there a sale on trendy names when they were born, or something?

Oh my…!Love can be troubled somber,mournful and yet subtle and precise. Love is a chaotic thing, my dear!

Get out of here. Yoda so does not have an English accent!''Other than that you're saying I'm a dead ringer?''If the shoe fits.''Sheesh, I hate tall girls.

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

I told you it was easy,” HARV said.“True, but you say that about everything.”“That's because everything is easy for me.”“Everything but humility.”“No, that's easy, too. I just choose not to practice it.

Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it…

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

My creativity keeps me from starving. Humanity keeps my life mundane. Loving secures my love for life, but my imagination keeps me sane.

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

Audrey Hepburn, as famous as she was, packed her own suitcases... I don’t know why that struck me, but it did. 'She has a servant’s heart,' I thought.

I've decided that I'm going to collect as many spiders in a jar as I can and then pour them all over you, William Flecter. Seeing as how it's good to face your fears.

I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.

Women like clothes, they like shoes, they like flowers and they like people to look at them and think,‘God, she’s gorgeous.’ The more people who think that, the better it is. The one day in your life where you get all that rolled up into one is your wedding day. And itcomes with jewelry and presents and endswith a vacation where it’s practically law that you have to wear fabulous underwear and have lots of sex.

Hoh, Boy!" Freddy snorted, slapping his palm to his forehead. "I hope you never donate your brain to science. It would set civilization back fifty years.

Long hair will make thee look dreafully to thine enemies, and manly to thyfriends: it is, in peace, an ornament; in war, a strong helmet; it...deadens the leaden thump of a bullet: in winter, it is a warm nightcap; in summer,a cooling fan of feathers.

A good many times I have been present at gatherings of people who, by the standards of the traditional culture, are thought highly educated and who have with considerable gusto been expressing their incredulity at the illiteracy of scientists. Once or twice I have been provoked and have asked the company how many of them could describe the Second Law of Thermodynamics. The response was cold: it was also negative. Yet I was asking something which is about the scientific equivalent of: Have you read a work of Shakespeare's?

What's up?" I asked.You tell me," he said. "You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian."It was an experiment," I said. "It was part of my therapy."What the hell kind of therapy are you in?

In order not to make a liar out of Henry or Katherine, one or the other, the committee men think up circumstances in which the match may have been partly consummated, or somewhat consummated, and to do this they have to imagine every disaster and shame that can occur between a man and a woman alone in a room in the dark.

Illium, his expression subdued as it had been for too many days, turned to her. “Mind if I have a go?”“Kick his ass.”Stripping off his shirt and boots, Illium held out his hand for one of Venom’s blades. Lips curving, Venom passed it over. “Sure you can handle me, pretty, pretty Bluebell?”“Did I ever tell you about my snakeskin boots?” A savage grin, and she knew Venom was about to bear the brunt of whatever haunted the blue-winged angel.Venom swirled his blade in hand. “I do think I need some new feathers for my pillow.

I’m creating a self help show called Self Talk. I’ll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law.

You’re a gambling man, right? Or do you only bet on frivolous things like poker and fucking women?

...Right now there's a pair of bad cops on their way out here to shoot me.""You don't know that.""Yeah, you're right," Stranahan said. "They're probably just collecting Toys for Tots. Now go.

He didn't have a single clue what was going on with these two strangers, but every instinct told him Master George equaled good, Mistress Jane equaled bald- he blinked-uh, bad.

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.No hope, no harm; just another false alarm

i realize you cant just throw real gems at ppl...because they think cubic zirconia is the real thing lol

Men don't ask other men if they're getting home OK, they just assume that beneath the frail, weak exterior lurks a muscle-building kung fu master fearless of ever being mugged.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Love does not cost anything. Kind words and deeds do not cost anything. The real beauty of the world is equal for everyone to see. It was given by God equally to all, without restrictions. Everyone, was given a beautiful vehicle in which to express love to others. Feelings are free to express and give to ourselves and each other through our willingness to give and care. What is complicated about this... Why have we made others feel they have to climb mountains and swim oceans in order to make a difference. All we need to understand my friends, is that human life was given equally to us all, not partially but in totality. The sun was given to all. It does not shine on the few. So, just has nature is indifferent to our station or situation, we need to know that we are all equal. We need to focus on the things that are constant and not place our values on things that can be blown away with the next, great, wind.Value life in what ever house it dwells. For when it comes time that we are all stripped to bare bones before the divine and facing eternity, we will understand that the only law we were meant to follow, was to love ourselves and each other. Nothing more...nothing less.