Humor Quotes - Page 11

Stanley forced a smile to his lips at the memory of the onesided romance; it was silly, after all, a stupid childhood crush. Who’d fall in love with a fictional character? That was the kind of thing you laughed about as an adult. Or at least Harriet had thought so. He couldn’t quite do it, though. Couldn’t quite see it as a joke. It had felt too real, too raw and wild and fierce, for him todismiss it even now. It was love, of a sort, stunted and unformed as it was. For a time, it had kept him sane.

He die one day, and then he go above of my head to live with your father."He weared the long hair, and after he died, the first day he come back here for to say hello to the peoples."He nice, the Jesus.

This world, I am afraid, is designed for crashing bores.

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got lots of numbers in it.

It's kind of depressing, if you think about it. I mean, me being so young, and yet so cynical and suspicious.

When people get into their 30s plus "boyfriend" sounds weird...if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term "manfriend" or "snookie bookie cuddles pie".

In the interests of friendship, I hope you’ll forgive me what I’m about to do.”“Forgive you wha—”My sentence was cut off as he clamped his mouth over mine, kissing me deeply....“Ready to make a scene?”He raised an eyebrow. “Do I have a choice?”“Not really. To quote something someone said to me recently, in the interests of friendship, I hope you’ll forgive what I’m about to do.” I drew back my hand and slapped him across the face. The smack of flesh striking flesh echoed through the hall. Conversations stopped as people whipped around to stare at us. Raising my voice to something just below a shout, I snarled, “You asshole!

I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

Am I still married to a cat? (Adrian)

The verse is supposed to get you hard so the chorus can suck you off.

My many years of living have not made the actions of teenage boys any less enigmatic.

Tomorrow is promised to no one.

Dr Urbino did not agree: in his opinion a Liberal president was exactly the same as a Conservative president, but not as well dressed.

It was an ancient policy with her to be on good terms with anything that outweighed her and had so many teeth, so she broke the bacon in two and gave him the smaller piece. He was a dog. He would not realize he had been slighted.

Typically, I prefer to gag my own men. I'd never considered having them delivered to me that way.

Myrtle Mae, you have a lot to learn, and I hope you never learn it.

From now on when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I planned to say, Amnesiac.

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

He’s hot. Too hot for me. Jeez, if he said the word sex to me I would probably pass-out.

There’s been a lot written on the topic of minimalism. But I still believe in it.

Well enough,” I reply. “Remember, you’re drunk. And happy. You’re supposed to be lusting over your escort. Try smiling a little more.” like I’m lusting? This is me, lusting.” His lashes flutter at me. better.

Free drinks have no carbs.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

... the novel, arguably the author's best, had a disquieting power, like a sleeping crocodile.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

Dresses don't look beautiful on hangers.

My memories came back like a punch in the face. Only good.

I have graduated to the extent of not asking what is happening in my life because I trust the maker(God).

I never know," Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "What's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?""Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it," said Hagrid.

Great,' I said. 'Visit exotic Australia. Get bitten by an exotic snake. Die exotically.

I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.

A punching bag. The guy was pounding on a punching bag. That realization took about a nanosecond to register in her brain before the real important information came to the forefront: LoriSue, God bless her slutty little soul, had been absolutely correct. He was male-stripper material, and he’d been thoughtful enough to strip to a pair of athletic shorts on his very first night in the neighborhood.

That man has some seriously oversized ovaries. Can you say PMS? He braked at anyone and everyone before shoving his way outside.

While you've been gadding about the countryside, we've held a meeting, and we've all of us decided that you must go.'In short, we've voted you out of the family,' Daffy said. 'It was unanimous.

What is humor?' one of their professors had posed, and he had answered, ''nondangerous, unexpectedly inappropriate juxtaposition.

You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow?" "I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.

They were steaming out of the station before Maia asked, 'Was it books in the trunk?''It was books, admitted Miss Minton.And Maia said, 'Good.

Have you made any other friends since we've been here?"I gave him the death stare. "Yes, actually.""Who? I want a name.""Jamie Roth.""The Ebola kid? I heard he's a little unstable.""That was one incident.

I agreed to keep the cards a secret and asked my grandmother if she believed in magic. She said she did not but that, surprisingly, magic worked even if you did not believe in it.

Is Lisa going to the prom?'I shelved my worries for the moment. 'I don't know, Mom. We don't talk about the You-Know-What. We made a pact.'You could go together, if you didn't want to mess with dates and things.'I don't want to mess with the prom at all, Mom.'She ignored me, placidly eating popcorn, piece by piece.'Some girls in my high school class did that and had a wonderful time. They weren't lesbians or anything. Not that it would matter if they were.'That's nice, Mom. I'm glad you're so open-minded.' I grabbed my Coke and the popcorn bowl and headed for the stairs, because I could go my whole life without ever hearing my mother talk about lesbians again.Maybe you could take Justin to the prom,' she called after me, laughter in her voice. 'He is such a hottie.'Shoot me now.

When you sleepI will creepInto your thoughtsLike a bad debtThat you can't payTake the easy wayand give in!

Embrace tomfoolery as if it were a rich relative on his deathbed.

My patria vera or true fatherland is the place that enriches my soul.

They got a manure machine in there,” Keller said. He went up to the barn and peeked through a hole between tow boards. “On wheels. It’s fun to ride sometimes, when you don’t care how you smell.

It looks as though your shop is doing well," Luka said gazing around, "Could you help me find a gift for a lady friend of mine?"My heart plunged to my grenn satin slippers, and I had to stare down at Azarte for a minute, petting him hard. Naturally Luka had a "lady friend." She was probably nobly born: the daughter of a count or a duke. I imagined her having thick dark hair and clear skin, and was bitterly jealous. "Of course," I stammered after a time. "What would she like? A gown? A sash?" If she came in for a fitting, I decided to "accidentlly" poke her with every pin.

Oh, Wax has always been solemn, but when he's at his best, there's a smirk underneath.

The Japanese island of Okunoshima, also called “Rabbit Island” after the many furry inhabitants who live there, was once home to Japan’s poison gas factories. The rabbits are descendants of ones used for chemical testing during World War II.

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle."That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed."It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,” the inventor said. “The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.

My dad was nothing but a bingo call.

When Your Smile At Someone's Misery, Its Does Not Shows Your Tolerance. Its Reveals lack of Tears For Feeling.

He watched in awe as she stacked up an enormous armload of music. "There," she finished, slapping Frank Zappa's Greatest Hits on top of the pile. "That should do for a start." "You are a music lover," said the wide-eyed cashier. "No, I'm a kleptomaniac." And she dashed out the door. He was so utterly shocked that it took him a moment to run after her. With a meaningful nod in the direction of the astounded Cahills, she barreled down the cobblestone street with her load. "Fermati!" shouted the cashier, scrambling in breathless pursuit. Nellie let a few CDs drop and watched with satisfaction over her shoulder as the clerk stopped to pick them up. The trick would be to keep the chase going just long enough for Amy and Dan to search Disco Volante. Yikes, she reflected suddenly, I'm starting to think like a Cahill.... And if she was nuts enough to hang around this family, it was only going to get worse.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do. Wasting time is merely an occupation then, and a most exhausting one. Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.

I told them he'd be able to get you to go out." Rianne folded her winnings and tucked the bills into her blazer pocket. "Look at him.""He's right here, Ri," Carla murmured, shooting Keenan an apologetic look."We've tried to teach her manners, but..." She shrugged. "It's like housebreaking a dog. If we'd had her when she was a puppy, maybe."Rianne smacked her on the arm, but she was grinning. "Woof, woof.

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

My motto for fashion: If you can’t afford to make an elegant statement, make a ridiculous one.

[Nicodemus] 'Magistra DeVega, can I ask for your help?'[DeVega] 'You can ask,' she said with her usual calmness, 'but the clerics haven't developed a cure for death by idiotic leadership.