Quotes by Comedians - Page 9

On the Ning Nang NongWhere the Cows go Bong!And the Monkeys all say Boo!Theres a Nang Nong NingWhere the trees go Ping!And the tea pots Jibber Jabber JooOn the Nong Ning NangAll the Mice go Clang!And you just cant catch em when they do!So its Ning Nang Nong!Cows go Bong!Nong Nang Ning!Trees go Ping!Nong Ning Nang!The mice go Clang!What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

Spike Milligan

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times men would not stop to ask directions.

Elayne Boosler

If I could go back and say one thing to my younger self it would be: YOU ARE NOT FAT.

Jennifer Saunders

It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.

Stephen Fry

He wanted the show to be fresh to audiences 50 years down the line.

Dick Van Dyke

No sex?" He looked at me in disbelief. "Well if you can't have ze sex, what can you do?"For the sake of simplicity I took my left arm and lined it up just under my collarbones. "Nothing below here," I said. I took my right arm and lined it up to my knees. "Nothing above here.""What about your armpit?" he asked. "Can your boyfriend do anything he wants to your armpit?"I thought about it. Armpits seemed pretty harmless. "Yeah," I said optimistically. "My boyfriend can do anything he wants to my armpit.""This is good," the Frenchman said. "He can stick his penis in and out of your armpit, and if you grow hair there it is almost like vagine."Is it too late to change my answer? I wondered, pulling a cardigan over my bare shoulders and covering any hint of an invitation.

Elna Baker

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

Stephen Colbert

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Steven Wright

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Steven Wright

People who ask you if you’ve ever seen a ghost are always people who believe in ghosts. They’re limbering up to tell their own ghost story. These are always remarkably tedious efforts about feeling as if someone had brushed past them but nobody being there. I always think that if you’re lying anyway you should at least make it interesting.

Frankie Boyle

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

Lenny Bruce

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

George Carlin

Mental health is one of the last great taboos.

Stephen Fry

What is beautiful is goodand who is good will soon be beautiful.

Cathryn Michon

It’s even more awkward when we’re face to face with people. It used to be exciting to make plans with friends because you could sit and catch up and talk about what’s been going on in your lives. Now when you see someone there’s nothing left to say. You’ve already seen the pictures from their trip to Rio on Facebook. You’ve read their tweets about the latest diet they’re on. And they already texted you about the pregnancy scare. So you end up just sitting and staring at each other until you both start texting other people.

Ellen DeGeneres

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Milton Berle

Music is everything and nothing. It is useless and no limit can be set on its use. Music takes me to places of illimitable sensual and insensate joy, accessing points of ecstasy that no angelic lover could ever locate, or plunging me into gibbering weeping hells of pain that no torturer could devise. Music makes me write this sort of maundering adolescent nonsense without embarrassment. Music is in fact the dog's bollocks. Nothing else comes close.

Stephen Fry

Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card

Phyllis Diller

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a fucking weirdo.

Jen Kirkman

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

Craig Ferguson

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

Louise Rennison

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)

Frankie Boyle

There are young men and women up and down the land who happily (or unhappily) tell anyone who will listen that they don’t have an academic turn of mind, or that they aren’t lucky enough to have been blessed with a good memory, and yet can recite hundreds of pop lyrics and reel off any amount of information about footballers. Why? Because they are interested in those things. They are curious. If you are hungry for food, you are prepared to hunt high and low for it. If you are hungry for information it is the same. Information is all around us, now more than ever before in human history. You barely have to stir or incommode yourself to find things out. The only reason people do not know much is because they do not care to know. They are incurious. Incuriosity is the oddest and most foolish failing there is.

Stephen Fry

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

Bill Hicks

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.

Richard Belzer

It didn't matter that there was a war on our doorstep. She had things to do, places to be.

Trevor Noah

I mostly drink clear booze because the rest of it looks it's already been through a gentleman.

Christopher Buehlman

Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you.

Soupy Sales

I think life is a lot different for alternative kids nowadays. Texting and the internet mean that being a Goth or something means you're part of a big social scene, it's an inclusive thing. Back then, we all just went our different ways in the afterglow,wishing each other all the best with the next ten years of bullying.

Frankie Boyle

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail & hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit & thrive

Dane Cook

The groom is so much better for her than her last boyfriend. He's sophisticated he brings her flowers and candy he dines by candlelight. Her last boyfriend thought it was enough to spray her name on a fence.

Tim Conway

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Eugene Mirman

The reason why I changed the meaning of the golden rule is because everyone has forgotten to the critical law of do on to others

Johnny Corn

The Mob essentially created the term 'stand-up comic'—according to eighty-six-year-old comedian Dick Curtis: 'The Outfit used to manage fighters. A stand-up fighter is a guy that is a puncher. A stand-up guy was a guy who was tough and you could depend on. The Outfit managed fighters and they managed clubs that booked comics, so the term found its way into the lexicon of nightclubs. A guy who just stood there and punched jokes—joke, joke, joke—he was a stand-up comic.

Kliph Nesteroff

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

George Carlin

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Rita Rudner

Ideas about our own self-worth are no more real than thoughts about an imaginary chair.

Mark Williams

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

George Burns

Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?"Her advice? "Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.

Mollie Gross

I once saw a pin on a Delta Airlines employee and I asked him what the letters in Delta stand for. He said "Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive."

Adam Christing

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

Phyllis Diller

Don't fight the system, mock the system

Trevor Noah

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

Robin Williams

If anybody studying psychology wants a concrete example of what a narcissist looks like, I advise them to consider any man who cheats on his wife. These guys are the textbook me-firsters, the ones who think the rules don't apply to them, the ones who tell themselves as long as she doesn't know, there's no harm done. No woman needs to sleep with these guys. There are so many single self-absorbed narcissists who will fuck you poorly.

Julie Klausner

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.

George Carlin

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

Chelsea Handler

People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: 'Be realis

Dylan Moran

In society, we do horrible things to one another because we don’t see the person it affects. We don’t see their face. We don’t see them as people.

Trevor Noah

No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn’t conversation. It’ll never lead anywhere. No one is going to say, “Wow, Mindy, you really have it especially bad. I have heard some stories of stress, but this just takes the cake.

Mindy Kaling

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

Chelsea Handler

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Lewis Black

I am aware I sound like a Marxist Victor Meldrew but, guess what, I'm over 50 and I don't give a fuck.

Mark Thomas

She lives the poetry she cannot write

Larry Wilde

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!

Demetri Martin

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni

I was still a newlywed and certainly wasn't to the point where I felt comfortable yelling, "I'm going to shit my pants any second!"But the sweating had started, which was followed by the tears. "I'm not feeling well, and need to get home," I told him."Ok, but I have to obey the speed limit because of all the kids in the neighborhood," he replied.I was pleading with him to hurry up when he came to a complete stop.I screamed at him, "Why are we stopping?"He rolled down the window. "Retreat."I could see the flag lowering in the distance, the beautiful orange sun setting behind it.In the opposite direction I could see the roof line of our home - so close, yet so far away.As Retreat played, I surrendered. I pooped my pants. I took one for the flag.Now that's patriotism.

Mollie Gross

I don't know what it is about "magic happens"-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it "so does cot death".

Tim Minchin

I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.

Chelsea Handler

The word "yoga" literally means "uniting", because when you're doing it you are uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, "Ouch, that hurts," and your body will say, "I know." And your mind will think, "You have to get out of this position." And your body will say, "I agree with you, but I can't right now. I think I'm stuck.

Ellen DeGeneres

I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.

George Burns

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