Quotes by Comedians - Page 8

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Steven Wright

I'm proud to be a work in progress.

Hannah Hart

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.

Jim Gaffigan

Alternative facts and fake news are just other names for propaganda

Johnny Corn

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.

George Burns

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

George Carlin

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

Craig Ferguson

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Roseanne Barr

...Catholic versus Protestant, essentially. It's that kind of fight. ... And it goes on to this day. Will we never learn? Who knows? Religion. Shit it.

Stephen Fry

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

W.C.Fields

We are what we are. If you are different, it's because you are special. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

John Inman

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

Bob Hope

In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that the rest is easy.

George Burns

But one day he said to me:‘I’ve got it now. It’s reading isn’t it?’‘I’m sorry?’‘You read a lot, don’t you? That’s where it all comes from. Reading. Yeah, reading.’The next time I saw him he had a Herman Hesse novel in his hands. I never saw him again without a book somewhere on his person. When I heard, some years later, that he had got into Cambridge I thought to myself, I know how that happened. He decided one day to read.

Stephen Fry

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Stephen Colbert

It appears your son was 85 percent curry!

Danny Wallace

Committee: A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Milton Berle

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

Brian Regan

The secret of staying young is to live honestly eat slowly and lie about your age.

Lucille Ball

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

Joan Rivers

They were the Saturday Club, a secret society of which only the four of them were aware and which none other could join.

Ben Elton

The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Roseanne Barr

Debbie Downer" was one of the few sketches where I broke, and I remember watching Heratio Sanz laugh so hard that tears squirted out of his eyes. I still believe that sketch may be a cure for low-level depression if watched regularly.

Amy Poehler

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

Lily Tomlin

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Groucho Marx

I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world.

Mindy Kaling

Two things don't need to be "equally bad" to point out that they're both bad.

T.J. Kirk

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Bill Maher

There is more that unites us than divides us. So make it a point to talk with someone who is different from you. You may find that you have more in common than you think

Johnny Corn

I lost my mind. I lunged at him and inhaled all of his fries standing up a foot away from the trash can. No food is as delicious as food you eat standing a foot away from a trash can. Ask any possum.

Mindy Kaling

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

Groucho Marx

Take your time, but don't waste your time. There's a difference.

Philip Wang

Mistakes are a part of being human. Precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.

Al Franken

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

Steven Wright

And how can evil be the mere absence of good? Is genocide the absence of something, of what? Of kindness? Were there no kind Nazis? Of love? Were there no Maoist revolutionaries who loved their families? Evil is an act, we commit evil proactively, it doesn't simply emerge in the absence of good. When you don't put a dollar in the donation tin in the front of the convenience store it doesn't mean that an ax murderer was created. We human beings have one set of actions described as "good" and another set described as "evil.

T.J. Kirk

A true thing, poorly expressed, is a lie.

Stephen Fry

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.

Joan Rivers

Aging is tedious, but it is the only way to live long.

Faina Ranevskaya

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Groucho Marx

I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.

Dean Martin

You do realize as you grow older that almost nobody knows what they are talking about.

John Cleese

I'm so out of shape I take steroids just to watch sports.

Randy Kagan

You are not easily forgotten.

Greg Behrendt

An alcoholic is someone who can violate his standards faster than he can lower them.

Robin Williams

Race is there. You're tire of hearing about it? Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it.

Jon Stewart

I put a chameleon on a red dildo... He blushed

Bo Burnham

Sometimes I want to quit - not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air after reading a mean Twitter comment and say, "All right, you got me. You figured me out. I'm not pretty. I'm not thin. I don't deserve love. I have no right to use my voice. I will start wearing a burka and move to a small town upstate and wait tables at a pancake house."So much has changed about me since I was that confident, happy girl in high school. In the years since then, I've experienced a lot of desperation and self-doubt, but in a way, I've come full circle. I know my worth. I embrace my power. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story. I will. I'll speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologise for it. I am amazing for you, not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you.

Amy Schumer

Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Rita Rudner

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself.

Bill Hicks

Boredom is your mind and body’s way of telling you you’re not living up to your potential.

Hal Sparks

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

Chelsea Handler

If you're looking for an enemy, stop imagining it's one group or another. All mankind is your enemy, including yourself.

T.J. Kirk

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

Mort Sahl

That hedge provides almost complete privacy from cars and pedestrians, and I would bet he and his wife do it more than the national average.

Cassandra Danz

The only politician ever to have entered parliament with honourable intentions, was Guy Fawkes.

Terry Deary

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Dennis Miller

I think the Big Bang theory must have been invented by a man. A woman would have wanted it to take longer and insisted on a commitment.

Cassandra Danz

‪Am I dead? Is this heaven? No, I can't be. I'm realizing this as I process my second sensation: discomfort. I turn my head. Ooh, a TV. Maybe it is heaven.

Karen Bergreen

My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice.

Amy Sedaris

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

Spike Milligan

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