Quotes by Comedians - Page 2

A fan club is a group of people who tell an actor he is not alone in the way he feels about himself.

Jack Carson

I couldn't possibly have sex with someone with such a slender grasp on grammar!

Russell Brand

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W.C.Fields

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

George Carlin

An Act of Dissent is simply a way of saying, 'No, I do not accept this and, as my silence may be construed as acquiescence, I would like to make a small gesture to indicate that you can all go fuck yourselves.

Mark Thomas

This story didn't end in fireworks, because the truth is, fireworks are something from my twenties. I could have made fireworks, but I chose to make a nuanced memory of a person who is neither a hero nor a villain in my life.

Mindy Kaling

The whole motivation for any performer is 'Look at me Ma.'

Lenny Bruce

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Red Buttons

You cannot let a fear of failure, or a fear of comparison, or a fear of judgement stop you from doing what's going to make you great. You cannot succeed without this risk of failure, you cannot have a voice without the risk of criticism and you cannot love without the risk of loss. You must go out and take these risk. … Do what’s uncomfortable, and scary, and hard, but pays off in the long run. Be willing to fail. Let yourself fail. Fail in the way and the place where you would want to fail. Fail, pick yourself up and fail again. Because without this struggle, what is your success anyway?

Charlie Day

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it

Bill Hicks

Does anyone act more like an overserious senior citizen with time running out on their chance for immortality than someone in their twenties?

Patton Oswalt

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

Bill Maher

You can't talk about fucking in America, people say you're dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that's cool.

Richard Pryor

Stick in and do my best.

Rhona Cameron

We kept our heads down and did our jobs. We controlled the only thing we could, which was the show. We did the thing. Because remember, the talking about the thing isn't the thing. The doing of the thing is the thing.

Amy Poehler

I think sometimes people think cheerful is a synonym for dumb, so no one is ever cheerful.

Mindy Kaling

Surround yourself with people who are the ketchup to your french fries-they make you a better version of yourself. Yes french fries are amazing on their own, but combined with ketchup they are a force. Spend time with people who bring out your true flavors, but don’t overpower you.

Grace Helbig

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Groucho Marx

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Demetri Martin

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

Stephen Colbert

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

Dylan Moran

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

George Carlin

As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians. (Earth (The Book), p. 36)

Jon Stewart

She had seen him once, smiling a little through another friar’s sermon about Hell, saying after the other left that fear of Hell is one of many paths to it. Forget Hell and love one another. That is all He wants of you.

Christopher Buehlman

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

No small part of the club's audience consisted of would-be comics, as well as the leading comics of the day. In fact, there were so many gagsters around that it was difficult to know who was part of the act and who was just sitting in.

Kliph Nesteroff

With privilege comes responsibility, you must understand that. People expect us to lead by example and we shall not disappoint them.

Ben Elton

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

George Carlin

I can do anything. I can be anything. No one ever told me I couldn't. No one ever expressed this idea that I was limited to any one thing, and so I think in terms of what's possible, not impossible.

Whoopi Goldberg

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't makeit through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'llmake a door. Something terrific will come no matter how darkthe present.

Joan Rivers

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Stephen Colbert

To all my enemies, I will destroy it.

Frankie Boyle

Time was made for slaves.

John B. Buckstone

The world is getting too small for both an Us and a Them. Us and Them have become codependent, intertwined, fixed to one another. We have no separate fates, but are bound together in one. And our fear of one another is the only thing capable of our undoing.

Sam Killermann

It was my kingdom. And when enemies attack your kingdom, you don’t flee. You show them why it’s your kingdom.

Olan Rogers

I'm always amazed at the human capacity to not make fundamental changes, but instead merely adapt. I see these pictures of people in Beijing and New Delhi, walking around with masks on, because you can't walk outside your house and breathe? If you can't breathe?…If that's not the cue to make a fundamental change, I don't know what is!

Bill Maher

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Rita Rudner

Teeny, it’ll never be a fair fight with Harry. You’re his Cadillac Ranch…but he’s your Chernobyl.” ~ Ruthie

Anna Lefler

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

Eddie Izzard

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Groucho Marx

It you watch a game it's fun. If you play it it's recreation. If you work at it it's golf.

Bob Hope

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine.

Ellen DeGeneres

They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.

Lewis Black

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

George Carlin

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish

Lenny Bruce

The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your own body and get interested in someone else's.

Goodman Ace

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Chelsea Handler

Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.

Greg Behrendt

I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands

Dudley Moore

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

Jay London

I have survived my first day of chemo and I like this feeling of survival. It’s alive and it’s right and it’s what I will make sure I feel every day for the rest of the life I have left. I make a promise to myself: While I’m dying, I will be completely fucking alive.

Glenn Rockowitz

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.

Stephen Colbert

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

Ellen DeGeneres

To my beloved friends, there’s simply no life without you guys. Thanks for the advice and the love and the billion dinners and laughs. Without you all . . . I’d look for new friends and get them.

Martin Short

If you won 600 million dollars in the lottery, would you go out the next day and break into cars to steal the change from the cup holders? That’s what sleeping around is like when you’ve already found a woman who will pledge her life and her entire being to you for the remainder of her existence.You tell me that you are in an “open marriage.” I will probably be lambasted for “judging” you for it, but, sorry Professor, an “open marriage” makes about as much sense as a plane without wings or a boat that doesn’t float. Marriages, by definition, are supposed to be closed. Actually, I’m getting rather tired of people like you trying to hijack the institution, strip it of its beauty and purpose, and convert it into some shallow little thing that suits your vices.

Matt Walsh

Or that other bullshit, 'I need more space.' People never quantify exactly how much space they need, but strangely enough it always seems to be the exact same height, depth, and breadth as you.

Dylan Moran

Companies' motives to make profit means they neglect inherent social or moral values.

Russell Brand

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

Steve Allen

Cherish forever what makes you unique 'cuz you're really a yawn if it goes!

Bette Midler

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Groucho Marx

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