Quotes by Comedians - Page 4

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

Bill Hicks

I am not the sharpest knife in the knife-thing.

Jimmy Dore

Hanged"I hung myself today. Hanged? Whatever,the point is I hanged myself today and I’m stillhanging.I feel fine. Just bored. I keep hoping thatsomeone will come home and cut me downbut then I keep remembering that if I knewsomeone like that I wouldn’t be up here. Bitironic, right? Or is that not ironic? I readsomewhere that, like, anything funny is,in some way, ironic. But I don’t know if it'sfunny or not. I don’t think my brain owns“funny”, you know?I feel taller. I like that.I’ve never been away from my shadow forthis long. It had always clung to my feet,parting momentarily for a quick dive intothe swimming pool. But never for fivehours. I like it. There’s three feet of spacebetween my two and the floor.I wanted something this morning. I may bestuck. But at least I’m three feet closer to it.

Bo Burnham

We were a bit like bacon and eggs, where y'know, the chicken is involved, but the pig is really committed? I totally gave myself to it just as we promised, "for better or worse", and you didn't see it like that.

Dawn French

I suppose this was the first time I had ever felt an urge not to be. Never an urge to die, far less an urge to put an end to myself - simply an urge not to be. This disgusting, hostile and unlovely world was not made for me, nor I for it.

Stephen Fry

The worst thing about being a great power is when you're not one any more. It takes centuries to get over it.

Ben Elton

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.

Ellen DeGeneres

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

George Carlin

Space is so fucking awesome.

Markiplier

My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!

George Carlin

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!

George Carlin

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

Craig Ferguson

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

Chelsea Handler

The best revenge is living well.

Jerry Seinfeld

Chicago was started by a bunch of New Yorkers who said "Gee I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty but it just isn't cold enough."

Richard Jeni

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

That's an animal fable about humility. If you survive your mistake, you must learn from it. Accept that you're fragile, vulnerable, and sometimes stupid. Realize that you're not immortal and you've got to take care of yourself. And then laugh it off and fly away.

Marc Maron

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

Amy Sedaris

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

Chris Rock

Your girlfriend's sibling or parents might be totally nuts, but always defend them. Always. All a girl wants to do is to get along with her family and if you are on the side of making it easy, you will be loved eternally. It might be easier to condemn them - especially if she's doing that already - but, remarkably, even if they are murderers, she will find the good in them, especially if you start trashing them.

Mindy Kaling

Keep the other person's well-being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on.

Betty White

Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called 'barbecue'.

Jim Gaffigan

I know that you and your girls have been told for years on end that you just don’t pass up any opportunities when a man walks your way—he could be The One. But I’m here to tell you that this philosophy is just plain dumb. Women are smart—you all can tell when your friends are lying, you know when your kids are up to no good, co-workers can’t get anything past you atthe job. You’re quick to let each one of them know that you’re not stupid, that you see them coming a mile away, and you’re not going to let them play that game with you. But when it comes to your relationships with the opposite sex, all of that goes out the window; you relinquish your power and lose all control over the situation—cede it to any old man who looks at you twice. Just because he happened to look at you twice.

Steve Harvey

And after his unparsable response, including a passage where he said he was 'blurring the boundaries between a thing and thought,' she said, 'Thank you, I get lost sometimes,' while laying two fingers on his folded arm.

Steve Martin

So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed.

Alison Larkin

Humor is just another defense against theuniverse.

Mel Brooks

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Stephen Colbert

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Steven Wright

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

Frankie Boyle

It's the fine balance of caffeine and alcohol that bookends my days

Tim Minchin

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Groucho Marx

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

Jerry Seinfeld

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Steve Martin

Let's end by pointing out all the positive ways you can scare yourself and feel alive. You can tell someone you love them first. You can try to speak only the truth for a whole week. You can jump out of an airplane or spend Christmas day all by your lonesome. You can help people who need help and fight real bad guys. You can dance fast or take an improv class or do one of those Ironman things. Adventure and danger can be good for your heart and soul.

Amy Poehler

I cannot bear natural light when I'm writing.

Stephen Fry

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

Craig Ferguson

Author? Author? Did you write these legs?''Yes."'Well, I don't like dem. I don't like 'em at all at all. I could ha' writted better legs meself.

Spike Milligan

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Steve Martin

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

George Carlin

My modus operandi is that I'll be content with anything, as long as I know that it's the best that's possible.

Russell Brand

There are some wonderful aspects to Christmas. It's magical. And each year, from at least November, well, September, well, if I'm honest, May, I look forward to it hugely.

Miranda Hart

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls would never dream of doing - like showering.

Yakov Smirnoff

I love the phrase "I have a sweet tooth." I always want to say, "You're ordering it for your tooth? That's interesting, because it's going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an explanation.

Jim Gaffigan

Let me give you an idea how long ago they got married. You know where they met? . . . At a Cubs World Series game.

Jay Leno

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Billy Connolly

Why were kings cross? Maybe their trains were late! Some say warrior Queen Boudica was buried under platform 8.

Terry Deary

The alarm in the morning? Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra in a perfectly transcendent version in Shubert's seventh symphony. And I've rigged it up so that at exactly 7:30 every morning it falls from the ceiling onto my face.

Stephen Fry

If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

W.C.Fields

Relationships are built in the silences.

Trevor Noah

A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand!

Dylan Moran

Isn't this enough? Just this world? Just THIS?

Tim Minchin

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat.

Stephen Colbert

During our visit, we noticed she was mixing up words. She started referring to Muslims as Mormons. After 9/11, she told Jon and me how it was important for America to stop the radical Mormons because they had perpetrated the attacks on the Twin Towers.There was no way we could convince her of the difference. We'd just smile and not. "That's right, Grandma, all the Mormons got together on September 11th and ran their bicycles into the Twin Towers!

Mollie Gross

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

Chelsea Handler

I wanted to say something about the universe. There's God angels plants... and horseshit.

Zero Mostel

If you are her man, she will talk to you until there justaren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’reat rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold youin her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’reup. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I meanreally loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty,encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’snot so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, evenwhen you’re not saying anything worth listening to.

Steve Harvey

L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.

Jay Leno

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career

Conan O'Brien

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