Quotes by Comedians - Page 3

The only time you have no opportunities is when you decide to stop taking them.

Danny Wallace

Yeah! "I love you" is subject to the law of diminishing returns; like one or two other critical weekly elements of a relationship, it loses a bit of thrilling value every time you get it out.'... That's what happens with "I love you", that same phrase that you once shouted Hollywood or Heathcliff-like in the lashing raining, now- now you are saying it dumbly at the end of every phone conversation, a follow-on from," I'll be back for dinner." Once it came out spontaneous rush, it forced itself out; now it's reflex.

David Baddiel

I know you see me as some crazy old bitch nagging at you," she said, "but you forget the reason I ride you so hard and give you so much shit is because I love you. Everything I have ever done I've done from a place of love. If I don't punish you, the world will punish you even worse. The world doesn't love you. If the police get you, the police don't love you. When I beat you, I'm trying to save you. When they beat you, they're trying to kill you.

Trevor Noah

Be kind to one another. Bye, bye.

Ellen DeGeneres

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

Bill Maher

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Steven Wright

No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Groucho Marx

The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.

Roseanne Barr

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

George Carlin

Two people occupying the same air. Nothing else in common. Just oxygen.

Dawn French

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.

Bob Hope

A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.

Bill Cosby

People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.

George Carlin

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Stephen Colbert

See what I mean? You gotta be crazy. Ain't no time to be sane.

Robin McLaurin Williams

At least watching dirty movies can be kind of fascinating if they aren't too horribly strange. And even the horribly strange ones are still more interesting than televised sports.

Merrill Markoe

And don't go whining to God about it. It was pretty clear that there was no God up there, no kindly old gent looking down, keeping score in a notebook. You did good, you did bad, it didn't make any difference, did it? This one's going to heaven, this one's going to hell, this one's going to Disneyland.No. God wouldn't have let any of this shit happen. If you were going to believe in anything, then believe in the devil. He was much more real than God. Up there causing mischief. Laughing at the chaos he'd created.

Charlie Higson

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

Jerry Seinfeld

One good thing about New York is that most people function daily while in a low-grade depression. It's not like if you're in Los Angeles, where everyone's so actively working on cheerfulness and mental and physical health that if they sense you're down, they shun you. Also, all that sunshine is a cruel joke when you're depressed. In New York, even in your misery, you feel like you belong.

Mindy Kaling

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you were sitting) Libby let off the smelliest, loudest fart known to humanity. It came out of her bum-oley with such force that she lifted off my knee - like a hovercraft. Even she looked surprised by what had come out of her.

Louise Rennison

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Rita Rudner

Theater owners dodged construction costs, cutting corners and employing nonunion labor. Shoddy methods caused the death of vaudeville comedian Rube Dickinson in Kansas City. Booked at a brand-new venue, Dickinson stepped outside to have a smoke and was standing underneath the large wooden marquee advertising him when it collapsed. As the marquee caved, so too did his head—killed under the weight of his own name.

Kliph Nesteroff

Ultimately, we are all products of the experiences we have and the decisions we make as children, and it remains a peculiar detail of human condition that something as precious as the future is entrusted to us when we possess so little foresight. Perhaps that's what makes hindsight so intriguing. When you're young the future is a blank canvas, but looking back you are always able to see the big picture.

Simon Pegg

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

George Carlin

I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.

Bill Maher

In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter.

Pat Paulsen

We might not know we are seeking people who best enrich our lives, but somehow on a deep subconscious level we absolutely are. Whether the bond is temporary or permanent, whether it succeeds or fails, fate is simply a configuration of choices that combine with others to shape the relationships that surround us. We cannot choose our family, but we can choose our friends, and we sometimes, before we even meet them.

Simon Pegg

It takes twenty years to make an overnight success.

Eddie Cantor

Bedtime is fraught with fear and disappointment. When it is just me alone with my restless body and mind, I feel like the whole world is asleep and gone. It's very lonely. I am tired of being tired and talking about how tired I am.

Amy Poehler

Only in America can you be pro-death penalty, pro-war, pro-unmanned drone bombs, pro-nuclear weapons, pro-guns, pro-torture, pro-land mines, and still call yourself 'pro-life.

John Fugelsang

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

Bob Hope

The internet was supposed to liberate knowledge, but in fact it buried it, first under a vast sewer of ignorance, laziness, bigotry, superstition and filth and then beneath the cloak of political surveillance. Now...cyberspace exists exclusively to promote commerce, gossip and pornography. And of course to hunt down sedition. Only paper is safe. Books are the key. A book cannot be accessed from afar, you have to hold it, you have to read it.

Ben Elton

I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

Bill Hicks

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

Steven Wright

I used many times to touch my own chest and feel, under its asthmatic quiver, the engine of the heart and lungs and blood and feel amazed at what I sensed was the enormity of the power I possessed. Not magical power, but real power. The power simply to go on, the power to endure, that is power enough, but I felt I had also the power to create, to add, to delight, to amaze and to transform.

Stephen Fry

Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at but I wouldn't like to own one.

W.C.Fields

..why sit on the sidelines of life at any age?

Dick Van Dyke

The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

Bette Midler

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness.

Bob Hope

I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But I had practiced alone in my room lots of times, trying out different cadences and into nations: 'Fuck, fuck, fuck you, fucknut. Shit, shitstain, fucker! Go fuck a duck, you asswipe!' My favorite was, 'What a fucking cocksucker.' The plan was to say this casually to one of my new friends while one of our teachers walked by. No one in kindergarten ever really got my sense of humor, so I was hell-bent on making my mark in the first grade.

Chelsea Handler

I really don't like art with a message, unless the message is crystal clear.If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fuckin' say it! Don't hide it in indecipherable lyrics... a sculpture, it's a play, the subtext... just fuckin' say it, 'cause the people who need to hear messages are dumb as shit--the masses of humanity are dumb as shit, and you're really just pandering to your friends. Say what the fuck you mean, just say it! Title the song 'eat more leafy greens'. 'Give a hoot, don't pollute' is as much message and art combined, 'cause I get that, it's a poem but I'm pretty sure you're saying 'don't pollute'. But if you have something... 'ooh, I have the cure for cancer...and I've hidden it in this Rubix cube!!' -- just fuckin' say it! - Before Turning the Gun on Himself [2012]

Doug Stanhope

Be so good they can’t ignore you.

Steve Martin

Of all the things I miss the thing I miss the most is my mind.

Lotus Weinstock

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Bill Cosby

There is a certain type of greasy hair that you get only when you are writing with no breaks.

Mindy Kaling

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

Craig Ferguson

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Chelsea Handler

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep & conformists.

Bill Maher

You can talk all you want about freedom of speech, but it's freedom of hearing that counts.

Tommy Smothers

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.

Craig Ferguson

I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it has nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave myself the power to say that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will cease to be. Because we are all what we choose.

Margaret Cho

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

Eugene Mirman

Ladies and gentlemen you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

Jackie Mason

My mother always said that every time you do a good deed here on Earth you're storing up a treasure in heaven. Which means Mother Teresa's probably got some beachfront property up there and I'm up to a box of Milk Duds and a Pez dispenser.

Robert G. Lee

I can always be distracted by love, but eventually I get horny for my creativity.

Gilda Radner

It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!

PewDiePie

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

Bill Maher

Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!

Bill Maher

We humans who art on EarthHumanity is specialOur kingdom has comeDo what we innately know to be rightOn earth, because that's all there isShare the bread we haveTry not to screw upWhen others screw up, understandWe can't have everything that tempts usDeliver ourselves from evilBecause this is it, the Earth,The power to do right and the glory to come if we do is oursNow and forever,Hu-man.

Marcus Brigstocke

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 … 10 Next