Quotes by Comedians - Page 6

The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.

Bill Hicks

And while we're on the subject of ducks, which we plainly are, the story, 'The Ugly Duckling' ought be banned as the central character wasn't a duckling or he wouldn't have grown up into a swan. He was a cygnet.

Russell Brand

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

Henny Youngman

The future is not a gift - it is an achievement.

Harry Lauder

From space this Earth is incandescent with abominations - the gods write their signature in our entrails

Steve Aylett

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

Bill Maher

We forgive sometimes, and sometimes we don't. One thing that's consistent is, at least in the early going, we love to punish and we need to find a villian.

Whoopi Goldberg

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

Gilda Radner

Forget ideas, Mr. Author. What kind of pen do you use?

Stephen Fry

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Jon Stewart

I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.

Red Skelton

Girls, if a boy says something that isn't funny, you don't have to laugh.

Amy Poehler

Commenting on print journalism at the Commenting on print journalism at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner: “Thanks to Obamacare, millions of Americans can visit a doctor’s office and see what a print magazine actually looks like.

Joel McHale

Laughter is a tangible evidence of hope.

Michael Jr.

Life’s short when compared to eternity, but eternity is only worth it because of life.

Scott Thompson

Look in the mirror and say, 'There is none other like you and for that reason alone you are beautiful.

Miranda Hart

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

Mindy Kaling

It seemed as though he had a fundamental belief that the merit of his argument depended on the strength of his feelings about the matter, and since he always felt uncontrollably passionate about everything, then clearly he was always right. This irrational claptrap, coming as it did from a swarthy, excitable, plump Celtic demi-dwarf, struck me not just as thoroughly impertinent but also as a noisy and ignorant attempt to undermine the most basic principles of the Enlightenment.

John Cleese

And you know who's especially stupid? People who look at how unexceptional and bland and boring they are and say, "You know how I can remedy this? I will take solace in the accomplishments of my entire race. That way, I can draw attention away from the fact that I personally have not accomplished shit!

T.J. Kirk

Science knows it doesn't know everything; otherwise, it'd stop. But just because science doesn't know everything doesn't mean you can fill in the gaps with whatever fairy tale most appeals to you.

Dara Ó Briain

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.

Joan Rivers

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit

Doug Stanhope

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

George Carlin

We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.

George Carlin

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

Chelsea Handler

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Vadivelu

Life wasn't too bad. The trouble with Man was, even while he was having a good time, he didn't appreciate it. Why, thought Milligan, this very moment might be the happiest in me life. The very thought of it made him miserable.

Spike Milligan

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Chelsea Handler

I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.

Bill Hicks

Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.

Caroline Rhea

I had a very happy childhood, but I wasn't that happy a child. I liked being alone and creating characters and voices. I think that's when your creativity is developed, when you're young. I liked the world of the imagination because it was an easy place to go to.

David Walliams

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.

Stephen Colbert

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

Bill Maher

aphorism 90: I am incorrigible. I would have every object of the universe mechanically predictable but myself.

Matt Berry

I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized...I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?

Margaret Cho

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Steven Wright

Of all the consumer products, chewing gum is perhaps the most ridiculous: it literally has no nourishment – you just chew it to give yourself something to do with your stupid idiot Western mouth.Half the world is starving, and the other’s going, ‘I don’t actually need any nutrition, but it would be good to masticate, just to keep my mind off things.

Russell Brand

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

Scott Dikkers

One of the unexpected and wonderfully fair things I have learned in my career is that if Hollywood were filled just with perfect-looking people, then soap operas would be the most-watched things in the world. But they're not. Looks are great, but they're not compelling enough. I've noticed that successful actors with long careers are usually talented actors with charismatic screen presences, and all of them exude one thing: confidence.

Mindy Kaling

One guy, seeing that I was hungry, insisted on buying me a huge lunch and when I thanked him for his kindness, he simply said, 'Pass it on.' I liked this selfless concept - repay me by rewarding someone else entirely with a generous dollop of goodwill.

Tony Hawks

In Britain, a cup of tea is the answer to every problem.Fallen off your bicycle? Nice cup of tea.Your house has been destroyed by a meteorite? Nice cup of tea and a biscuit.Your entire family has been eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex that has travelled through a space/time portal? Nice cup of tea and a piece of cake. Possibly a savoury option would be welcome here too, for example a Scotch egg or a sausage roll.

David Walliams

Isn’t it amazing, amazing, amazing that something so specific can be so resonant? These are the filaments, filaments, filaments from that Walt Whitman poem. It makes me think that the thoughts that I have in my head that make me feel the most lonely because I don’t think anyone else thinks them, are also the thoughts that have the most potential that make me feel connected. I just have to get them out some how gossamer thread.

Ze Frank

It never ceases to amaze me how much people talk about relationships, think about them, read about them, ask about them - even get in them without a clue how to move them forward.

Steve Harvey

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Phyllis Diller

As a politician he does everything to keep out of trouble often by not asking questions. However it does bother him that every time the doorbell rings his maid hides in the dryer.

Jay Leno

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

George Burns

Once, in his first term, Cartwright had been bold enough to ask him why he was clever, what exercises he did to keep his brain fit. Healey had laughed."It's memory, Cartwright, old dear. Memory, the mother of the Muses... at least that's what thingummy said."

Stephen Fry

New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer one...just like President Obama wants to do with his secret army of ACORN volunteers. Green Bay, Wisconsin, has a population of one hundred thousand. Yet this sleepy little town on the banks of the Fuck-if-I-know River has just as much of a chance of making it to the Super Bowl as the New York Jets--who next year need to just shut the hell up and play.Now, me personally, I haven't watched a Super Bowl since 2004, when Janet Jackson's nipple popped out during halftime. and that split-second glimpse of an unrestrained black titty burned by eyes and offended me as a Christian. But I get it--who doesn't love the spectacle of juiced-up millionaires giving one another brain damage on a giant flatscreen TV with a picture so real it feels like Ben Roethlisberger is in your living room, grabbing your s

Bill Maher

Ignore what other people think. Most people aren't even paying attention to you.

Amy Poehler

when you’re winning, it makes them feel like they’re losing or, worse yet, that maybe they should’ve tried to do something too, but now it’s too late. And since they didn’t, they want to stop you. You can’t let them.

Mindy Kaling

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

George Carlin

If you're too serious to make life a laughing matter, then you seriously need to make laughter matter to you today and every day!

Jeannine M. Luby

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

George Carlin

I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day.

Ellen DeGeneres

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

Spike Milligan

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

Jon Stewart

The sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.

John Cleese

Gender is like a Rubik’s Cube with one hundred squares per side, and every time you twist it to take a look at another angle, you make it that much harder a puzzle to solve.

Sam Killermann

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

Jeff Foxworthy

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